Strugging with my fiance's past sex life.. what do I do?
Hello everyone and let me thank you right off the bat for taking the time to working with me.
Short bio: 42/m .. only been in 1 relationship my entire life.. saved myself for marriage.. was married 14 years and now divorced. My ex-wife raped me a couple weeks into the relationship and I felt obligated to stay with her and so married her until several years ago when she divorced me. I've never been on a date (not even with my ex.. long story) and never had any other sexual partners.
The Issue I'm struggling with: I met a new woman, we're engaged now, and prior to dating her (through work) she mentioned a lot about her former partners through natural conversation. I'm struggling with the fact that she has had so many and doesn't seem bothered by it.
Now if she ever brings up an ex I internally get super angry and disgusted with her (though I don't show it.. but did ask her to not talk about them as it upsets me and so now she is careful about it). I love her and I feel like her past shouldn't bother me.. but it does.
I won't leave her over it because I would feel this way about any woman that came into my life and it's something I need to process and deal with.
There is more information of course to be provided.. but I wanted to start with a quick intro about my issue and am happy to fill in any gaps and answer questions.
The Problem: How can I stop thinking about her being with exes, or worrying that she's comparing me to them, and get over these thoughts and just let her past be?
Thanks everyone and I look forward to working with you all.
Well since your committed to being in the relationship, and you knew about her dating history prior to getting together then you don't get to be judgemental. She is dating you now, and has decided to respect your wishes. What right do you have to be critical of her even if only in your mind? Did she do anything to hurt you currently? If the answer is no, then everytime you think something negative about her catch yourself and correct it. You could do a journal of your thinking errors. Write the thought down then write what your afraid of, then answer these questions is this thought kind? Is it true? Does it matter? If the answer is no then write down a corrective thought such as my partner is honest and open about her past but careful to respect my boundaries when I asked. I adore my partners kind heart and love for me.
@CalmBeach44 I apologize for the delay in my response (I didn't get an email letting me someone responded?).
You are right that I don't get to be judgemental. I appreciate your suggestion about journaling my thinking errors (which I actually started doing a couple days ago using an app) and using it to talk through situations and where I went wrong and what to do next time. I think by writing these things down it will be practice for the next time and I'll hopefully have a better (or no) response when these thoughts come up.
I know I shouldn't be judgemental and I seriously don't want to be. What other strategies can I use to keep these thoughts from coming to my mind in the first place?
Hey brother,
That's the thing with intrusive thoughts. The more you try to keep them from coming the more they can occur. (I often have intrusive thoughts and like you negative thinking errors about people I love). The best thing to do isn't to suppress them but work through it without giving it control over your emotions. Other techniques that can be helpful with intrusive thoughts for me, are breathing techniques, grounding techniques, mindfulness meditation. Learning that thought arise and pass like clouds in the sky. They have no substance unless we attach a belief or emotion with it. You can simply note mental oh there is that thought again notice it and then return your mind to other matters. Hope it helps. You seem like a great guy. Your not alone. A lot of people have intrusive thoughts.
Cheers
@FrustratedMale
You may need to work on your past as that is quite the situation. Working through your expectations or what you thought was right you married a person you describe as your ***.
The no dating or experience is a big portion of time when people learn grow in accepting relationships and past etc
You must have understood that starting over and dating you would meet others that have had a different path and more past relationships. How did you think your thoughts on subject would improve as the relationship continued?
She is already trying not to mention anything in past to upset you. That is shutting off you from learning the real her..... as our journey and past is part of who we are.
most people unless very shallow........ the only comparison ever crossing a persons mind is how they are treated and how this person makes them feel emotionally..... and i do not think that is what you are thinking about ....
