Struggling
I've never really posted much here before, but I'm struggling. I feel so alone, depressed, and it feels like there's a wall of anxiety around me whenever I think of trying to do something. I'm not sure how to face it, or even what all the emotional pain is or where it comes from, and I keep seeking distractions, which not only means I feel worse but I'm also watching years of my life wasted, just sitting at home distracting myself with books or food or organizing and reorganizing my space or something I momentarily hyperfocus on, because doing much else brings up intense pain and/or anxiety. I sometimes get bursts of motivation to try change and actually work on my stuff or sit with my feelings or try take steps to do something more with my life, but very quickly I fall back into my old patterns. It's also more complex because I have a chronic illness that limits me a lot and is currently preventing me from working, and also a tonne of dissociation. I do go to therapy and I believe in Jesus and He's the only reason I have any hope right now, but I'm just not sure how to change and I'm feeling a bit angry with myself for continually failing to sustain any good habits or anything I try starting. Also questioning if I have adhd, but I'm not sure, and I can't afford an assessment. Anyway thank you to anyone who stuck with reading this long post!
@flowersandmeadows
Thank you for being so honest and open.
That's never easy.
Things can feel overwhelming and we don't always know why we drift from thing to thing.
But it's important to know, one day at a time, all we can do is our best and it's important you find something you are passionate about, this will allow you to feel like yourself đź’™
You’re dealing with a lot, yeah? The clinical issues I won’t speak to, since I lack proper training. However, one gentle piece I can offer concerns the anger at yourself you mentioned. I’m not Christian but have done a number of meditation and poetry workshops for churches when I lived in more rural areas. (They had needs; I had skills.) And I remember hearing an Anglican priest say to a parishioner who struggled with self-judgement and blame: what would Jesus tell you to say to a loved one; a friend; a neutral person; a stranger; and then an enemy who was acting in similar fashion ? And we did a meditation session based on just this. ( That suggestion of his was a spin on a Buddhist practice I had taught him.) Idk if this would help you or not. But it’s what came to mind that I can give. Wishing you peace, freedom from suffering, and contentment.
@flowersandmeadowsÂ
im sorry and im really glad you’ve come here and told us about this. Having a chronic illness must not be easy but the fact that you’re still reaching out is huge. Keep holding onto Jesus. I am too. I’m going through a period of change and i don’t  know if I’m really doing anything meaningful with my life but he’s our only hope. And please dont push yourself too hard to be “productive”. Sometimes at certain phases it’s okay to keep it to yourself and really feel your sadness and anxiety. It’s okay to let it run hot and have it slowly simmer down. But regardless take care of yourself and your health and keep talking here if you need to get it out of your system cuz we’re  always here to listen dawg