Struggling to Move On After a Breakup
Hello guys,
I’m going through a really difficult time after my breakup and could use some advice or support. My narcissistic ex seems to be doing really well thriving in her career and bragging about her new relationship. Though I’m happy for her, it’s hard not to feel like my contributions during our relationship played a part in her career success, and now I’m left feeling stuck, depressed, and unsure of how to move forward.
I just want to know if anyone has been here and how did you find the strength to focus on your own growth and happiness? Any advice would mean so much to me right now.
Thank you for listening. 💛
@tealKiwi2767
First you are correct about you helping her.... how do i know .. because every relationship in our lives are either a blessing helping us move forward and thrive... OR a lesson that also teaches us how to change and grow.
i feel you need to focus on you and quit paying any attention to her life now be open to your growth and changes and remember it is not a competition
Thanks @toughTiger6481 I think the major problem I have is she still reaches out to me regularly for assistance with work and business so this constant communication and seeing the progress she’s making makes it much difficult.
I have been in a similar situation quite a while ago. It sucks being reminded. Just a thought, if there’s anyway that she could reach out to someone else instead of contacting you, that would probably be the best option if you are trying to heal from that at least for a while. If you guys work together sooner or later, you’re gonna talk to her, but maybe just remind her we aren’t together anymore and nicely say I can’t talk to you for a while exes or exes for a reason old she can Get whatever type of help you needs from you, from someone else, just tell her to do that?
@tealKiwi2767
Honestly, I am going through the same thing it has been almost a month since the breakup, Sometimes I feel like I have moved on and that Idc what he is doing with his new relationship, but deep down I can't forget him, what about the plans we made, what about the things he has said to me? I honestly don't know how to move on, it's like he is always trying to make me notice the things he's doing even tho he blocked me. I really hope you find the answers you are looking for because me too.
@adaptableTangerine6527 I’m sorry for what you are going through. I know the feeling very well as some days you don’t care and you think you have moved on, while some mornings you wake up and can’t breathe while just missing the person. I think we just have to hang in there and hope for better days .
Hi there,
First of all, I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. Breakups, especially with someone who drained your energy, can leave you feeling stuck and questioning your worth. But let me remind you of something important, you're not defined by their success or what they’re doing now. You are defined by your strength, your resilience, and the incredible person you’re capable of becoming.
It’s natural to feel like you contributed to their growth, and that's completely okay, never regret being a good person, but now, instead of focusing on what you gave them, ask yourself this: What can I give to MYSELF now? You poured so much into that relationship, and now it’s time to redirect that energy into your OWN growth, happiness, and dreams.
Remember, healing takes time, but every small step you take matters. Start with little acts of self love, whether it’s journaling your feelings, trying something new that excites you, or setting small, achievable goals that remind you of your capability. You're stronger than you think, and this chapter is yours to REWRITE.
And don’t compare your journey to theirs. The fact that you’re still standing after everything says so much about your inner strength. They may seem like they’re thriving, but trust me, appearances don’t always reflect reality, and even if they don't feel it, because those people don't see the good things and ones, they're villains and that's exactly who they like to be surrounded by, she already lost a treasure by losing someone like you, someone who contributed to her success and is supportive. Focus on your path, because your happiness and success will look different, and it will be ENTIRELY your own.
You’ve got this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Your story isn’t over, and this tough time is just one chapter of a much greater life. Trust in yourself, YOU ARE WORTHY of all the love, success, and joy you dream of.
Take it one day at a time, and remember: YOUR BEST IS YET TO COME.
Thanks so much @intellectualCherry8631 thank you so much for the amazing and supportive response it actually uplifted me. You are extremely right in your summation and I’m just trying to move one day at a time even though it’s not easy but I’m hopeful that soon my situation will change and I’ll get back to my good self. I can’t really wait to get back there.
@tealKiwi2767
Bravo for wishing her well! That's the first step. It's gonna be a long post. Please try the following:
1. Feel to heal. Feel your emotions in private, it can be rage, sadness, interrogative, confusion. Just feel but do not internalize to overthink. Do not suppress feelings, cry if required in private.
2. Stop looking at your narc ex. Especially with a narc, you should totally opt out of their life and go NC. Do anything to save your energy. Deactivate the social media accounts or if not possible, ask someone close to monitor you every damn day. You can use app blockers and block certain pages.
3. Forgive yourself and her for all the mistakes. Forgiving without reconciliation is the key. People mistake forgiving for getting back or writing a long letter or msg to the ex. No. Forgive for your own peace. How? Knowing that everyone does the best they can from the level of consciousness they're at. Forgiveness is not something you have to do immediately. You can always postpone it but not forgiving will keep you attached to the person.
4. Watch content on narcissism if you were abused, it may be emotionally or otherwise, to get more educated if not already. This will make you realize how lucky you're without them and you're actually set free. Warning: This is may trigger you at times and you may indulge in overthinking all day by remunerating on past incidents.
5. Journal. This may help some people. Either in a book or digital journal. Just write, vent out your thoughts. Otherwise if you don't like writing, make private vlogs and save in a folder.
6. Indulge in a lot of self care. It's okay to look selfish to the world. They don't know what you're going through deep down. Cooking for yourself, dressing up, grooming or even just going on a luxurious coffee date all by yourself. Eat well and sleep well.
7. Work on yourself. Glow up and grow. That's the best answer to someone who is faking happiness on your face but never try to show it to them. Rekindle the hobby that was long forgotten or explore new areas of interest which would've been impossible with a relationship that too with a narcissist.
8. No matter what, please DO NOT break NC or allow your narc ex back EVER. The pain of going back and staying with a narc is way more than the pain of breakup. Stay strong.
You share business or something? Ask her to use another common person to mediate, tell her to exchange only emails as you want to move on, try to ignore informal talks, go cold on informal things. Speaking formally as you speak to any other client/colleague will help. This can test your patience and resilience but you can do it. Better to tell her to understand your privacy as narcs are "good" people as they claim. Avoid and ignore at all cost. It's a matter of your self-respect.
9. As you're wishing well, continue doing that. That doesn't mean you fall more in love or put them on pedestal. Along with forgiveness, this will remove hatred for the person which will completely detach you and slowly will make them look like a stranger. Eventually you'll grow indifferent towards them. Hatred binds you to a person similar to love.
10. You must see your contribution to their growth as a help you did to someone and they're what because of you. Misusing you tells about her and helping her tells more about you. This is a spiritual perspective.
11. Thoughts will pop up. Try to reflect on it and see what was the take away, lesson out of it and how you can choose better and be better in the future relationship. Please learn from this.
12. Meditate. This helps a lot but consistency is the key.
13. Connect with your loved ones who genuinely care about you or join a support group. Take therapy if required.
All these steps will not be easy but are NOT impossible. The key is consistency and works only when you do day in and day out. You'll definitely toggle between forgiveness and anger. Love and hatred. It's okay. But do not stop the process. Recovery is a process and takes time, like the growth of a plant. Requires care everyday.
Always know that there are billions of people out there and you deserve to be with a person who treats you best who will definitely be better than your narc ex, but please do not jump into a relationship just because your ex is in one. Narcs move on easily. Take time to heal.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks if you read all and made it till here. You're so strong and a beautiful soul. You can do it. You got this!
Thank you @DeepaR21 your post is the most amazing and insightful post I’ve read on this app. All your recommendations are accurate and I’ve tried most of them but I just confess it’s not easy . Most days you wake and think you are making progress and the next day it’s like you have fallen back to square one where you can’t even breath without them .
as you recommended I’ll try my best to try some of the things I’ve not tried. I try to feel good knowing I helped with her progress and though it’s hard to see her excelling and glowing I will keep trying knowing I did it out of my heart even if she acknowledges it or not as most times she doesn’t even acknowledge it but I just move on.
thank you so much for all your recommendations I honestly do appreciate it and will keep trying even though I know it’s not easy at all.
@tealKiwi2767
Happy to know that I was of some help!
I have gone through a breakup with narc hence I was able to relate. A man who molested me, abused me in all possible ways and took money from me and hasn't returned yet. He married his ex whom I had warned and she had agreed with similar emotional abuse. He is jobless and she gives him all career opportunities, money. I actually came here on this platform to get out of depression as I felt he never got his karma. He has gotten away with everything - a man with a history of drugs and indulgence with lots of women. I gave everything to him, was ready to fix him (no one can actually fix anyone) yet he broke my soul.
Only spirituality, letting go, meditation and faith on God that justice will be served tho I may not see it - has helped.
And the glow up they show may be a facade they're putting up. What we can only control is not how universe functions, but our thoughts, actions and reaction/response.
I think so once we heal and grow confident, we won't be bothered by how happy they're after using us. We would value our happiness and peace more than anything.
If you are interested in spirituality and psychology, please watch the contents of Aaron Doughty on YT. It has helped me find peace.
All the very best!
Hi &DeepaR21 I am so sorry to hear this . I went through similar situation, I sacrificed my 13 years career to move to be with her but she broke me down and made me feel like I was not worth anything. I know how you feel and just hang in there as with time hopefully we’ll be ok. It’s been over 2 years but I still wake up every day feeling like it was yesterday.
@tealKiwi2767
I agree that when you want to forget someone, it's a really bad idea to follow or check her or him on social media. It's self-destructive. And might be very unfair when you are already seeing someone new. For me not observing or blocking seems like the only choice, if the breakup wasn't long enough ago to heal and on friendly terms. I am afraid nothing will help if you don't follow some basic safety rules.
May I ask you how is your relationship with your new girlfriend developing? On another thread you mentioned you both were both expecting a baby?
Thank you @tealKiwi2767 I appreciate your feedback and you are absolutely right about looking at her status . I’ve actually deleted her on all social media but we still communicate based on our work so that open communication still makes it difficult to move on.
As for my new relationship it’s touch and go, she knows about the situation with my ex and she doesn’t like it but she tends to be understanding to an extent but I know she would soon get frustrated.
I have been divorced twice in my life. It always hurts, at first, but when you see, she was not right for you, and all the new things you can do, new life, new experiences and a new woman. Soon you will see this. I have a relationship with a wonderful woman. I am very happy, after 2 years alone. Just never give up on life.
@tealKiwi2767 People here have given such wonderful advices that I don't have anything additional to suggest.
But I would like to share that I was in your place a couple of years back. Like you, i went all out on my relationship and contributed to my ex's growth in career and overall way of living life to the point i sabotaged my own opportunities for "love". And then when we broke up, I was so angered and grieved my lost time, energy and opportunities. It was then I decided to start prioritising myself and put the same effort for myself. I guess my healing journey started then. It was not easy, at times i remembered my ex and felt angered and sad. But I kept going and always took any decision keeping my best interest in mind and now i am at a much better place in life than i ever was. This change has also attracted good people in my life who do not take me for granted and who respect me and my boundaries.
I pray you find the strength to move past this too and make yourself your biggest priority and do wonders in life.
Thank you @gentlePower8755 I appreciate your advice and honesty can’t wait for the time when I’m totally healed . Most days I wake up feeling dead inside, I can’t really appreciate anything in life because I always ruminate about basically sacrificing my life just to make the relationship work so at the end of the relationship, I didn’t have a career, a sense of purpose, nothing to go on that life was not worth living . I’m someone that hardly love so for me to put my whole life in that relationship to make it work I feel pained and just useless for most of the decisions I made .
im really glad for you that you have moved on and made serious progress in your life . I hope someday I’m at that place where I can say same .
I hear you, man. Breakups are tough, especially when you’ve invested so much and see them thriving after.
It’s okay to feel lost right now, but take it one step at a time. Focus on reconnecting with what makes you feel good, whether it’s hitting the gym, picking up an old hobby, or just taking time for yourself. Healing takes time, and it’s alright to lean on others when you need it.
It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and stuck after a breakup, especially when it seems like your ex is thriving while you’re struggling. Instead of comparing yourself to them, shift your focus inward by acknowledging your emotions, recognizing your own value, and setting new personal and professional goals. Surround yourself with supportive people, engage in activities that bring you joy, and take small steps toward growth. Avoid dwelling on the past and use this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Healing takes time, so be patient and kind to yourself. Ultimately, this is a chance to build a fulfilling life on your own terms.
@tealKiwi2767 Hi there, first of all never forget your feelings are valid. It's ok to have, feel and express them. It's a great first step posting here and especially reaching out for support and advice from those who may have gone through something similar.
It can be super hard moving on from this type of situation, and knowing the truth that most people will never understand. It can be easy to feel sorry for yourself or get down, and that is all a part of the process. Eventually, there will come a point where you will be able to make a decision on how you want your life to be. When that time comes you will know.
The biggest advice would simply be to have grace on yourself. Know that your journey belongs to you, and only you have the power to create the life that you want moving forward. Healing takes time, and sometimes longer than expected, but once you get to that turning point where you're ready, then you will know.
As cliche as it is, begin focusing on yourself. Think about your passions and what really drives you. If you could do or be anything for the rest of your life without worrying about money what would it be? Allow that to be your driving motivation. Take each day one step at a time. If negative thoughts try to come in, replace them with positive. Do some reading, get out into nature, spend time learning or relearning how to love yourself.
The fact that you realize how much of a contribution you were able to make to the success of someone else, shows that you have a good heart and qualities that are valuable to the world. Give the same excellence and dedication to yourself. As you begin rebuilding your world from the inside out, things will start to change.
Find or stay connected to people who genuinely care for you if you can. Wishing you the best, and know you've got this!
