Stuck.
*sigh*
another day of isolation, depression, anxiety and pity for myself. I’m in my early 30’s. A mom of 1. In a partnership of 10 years where I’m still having to beg to be treated with mutual respect and care. A ton of trauma. I feel stuck. I struggle with showing up for anything. I can hardly work my part-time job. I feel like my son works harder than me by going to school. He has to show up 8 hours a day for school and I can barely show up 3 days a week for work. I feel really horrible about myself. I don’t have support here. I don’t have family really. My mom died and my relationship with my dad is scarce. I’m stuck. I don’t have energy to do anything. I don’t get to have fun. I’m not making fun memories. I’m just a blob. I want to change. I want to make money so that I can support myself. I want to have friends and have things to look forward to. I want to be able to commit to things without flaking. I’m tired of the constant exhaustion. But I genuinely don’t think things will get better. The hope I have for my future is so bleak. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be heavily involved in church, school, work, life, etc. Even on my worst days when my parents’ alcoholism left me feeling dead inside, I had purpose. Leaving the church 10 years ago was hard and I genuinely haven’t recovered. Never knew it would be this lonely. Never realized how much I relied on the support of others. I can’t even seem to find the energy to do small things like - take a walk.. write some poetry.. do a few tarot readings. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep. All day everyday. :(
@KathyLeigh I'm really sorry you're going through so much. Please know that you're not alone in this, and you truly matter 🤍
I hope you find the support here, and things start to feel a little lighter 🍀 Sending lots of love to you 🐾💕
@KathyLeigh
Hello. I am sorry to hear you feel like that. From your description it looks like all your negative experiences have piled up to the point of depression, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed. Being out of fuel, out of power and inable to move...
From my story and the stories of my friends: Childhood traumas and bad experiences are like savings in bank—but in a negative meaning—they may cumulate, grow and overlap more and more with every passing year. Eating up your mental energy resources just to let you forget about the wounds that didn't heal.
Have you ever tried to talk to a professional therapist (or anyone else) about your painful childhood/adolescence experience, and its influence on your present life? Unfortunately, when it comes to the depression, it may not want to go away without taking some steps.
Do you have any ACA/ACoA (Adult Children Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics) 12 Steps communities in the neighborhood? They work a bit like a religious community (though non-religious in essence). You might go there, just sit and listen to what other people say, without any obligation to speak yourself. As far as I know, some English-speaking groups should also be available online.
It seems like now you are seeing your leaving your church community as a mistake? May I ask you what made you isolate from them?