The War
Idk what this post will turn out to be. Short, long. Emotional, unemotional. Idk what this is… I just know I need to express it.
There’s such a deep, intense spiritual battle inside me. Between the best that God has for me, and the nothingness I choose for myself. I’m definitely under major demonic attack.
I feel nothing. I feel everything. I shove down emotions and forget things on purpose. It helps me survive. I turn off my emotions at will, to survive.
I’m so isolated. I barely hang out with anyone. I barely leave the house to do much beyond work, errands, and occasionally eating out.
I feel like a beaten dog, and I don’t want to fight anymore. Working to get healthier seems an impossible task. Doing anything, even getting off the bed, is hard and overwhelming. I can barely even bring myself to shower. I have so few real friends, and I never see them. My phone is full of phone numbers of people who… idk. Maybe they care. Maybe they just put up with me.
I’m ashamed of my stomach. I’m gaining fat because I eat to cope. I’m disgusted with my body.
I’ve been dealing with one crisis, one emotionally soul-destroying issue, after another, and it’s knocked me to my knees, on the floor sobbing. While I outwardly pretend I’m ok. I don’t know how to get off the floor again… A mountain is on my back pressing me down.
I feel like a failure and a burden. I eat garbage, I eat a TON because of my ED, I feel like I’m wasting money by coping in the best way I know how (eating). I feel awful because I’m so irritable with my mom because I simply can’t cope with life right now. I feel scared because food is money, and money keeps us alive, and I’m being SO DANG GREEDY! I’m eating all the food, reaching for comfort, and I’m such a pig.
I know God’s taking care of us, but I’m so worried about money (and my ED!) that I’m tempted to eat less, or not eat at all.
I feel like I’ve been backed into a corner.
My thoughts torture me all day. Not even just worry. Just repetitive thoughts and my mental radio that refuses to turn off (and some of the songs give me anxiety) and my stream of just inane chattering thoughts that play over each other that WONT SHUT UP. It’s enough to make someone scream inside. I’ve compared my thoughts to flapping bats’ wings before. My brain feels like a dark cave full of scary sounds and confusion and darkness and fear, and creeping things that you fear, but you can’t see.
Am I crazy? Am I just sleep deprived?
Does ANY of this go away??? Ever????
Who am I, without my mental illness?
Will anyone ever see me, look deep into my eyes, and see my pain? And ask me how I’m REALLY doing?
Because I’m d*ing inside. And no one sees.
I’m safe, by the way. I’m just… in crisis mode while not being in crisis. Idk how to explain it. Idk how to cope.
And yet, I still do. I still will.
I bend but don’t break. And it’s God who’s keeping me from breaking.
I just wish I could fix me.
I want to be normal!!!!!!
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am keeping you in my prayers, friend
peeks in,
hey kiara, thanks being so brave to share with everyone,
you are not alone, you are loved and cared about, even if we just strangers on the internet,
im sorry its such a struggle right now, i see your pain, how hard it is to just cope and surivive, and how hard it is to dig out of the cycle of cicumstances that are often outside of your control
i hope you give yourself some grace, its never good to judge ourselfs on how we surive and get through the worst days. i hope it gets easier tho :/
sits with you, 🫶
@jesusredeemedme2425
Kiara, your words are incredibly raw and they reached my heart 🥺 The way you described the "dark cave" and the sound of "flapping bats' wings" is so vivid that it truly makes one feel the weight of the mountain you’re carrying. The hardest part is feeling isolated in the middle of all those voices in your head, being "bent but not broken only by the grace of God.
Everything you’re going through the exhaustion, the desperate wish to be normal the struggle with food and money none of that diminishes your value or makes you a burden even if your mind tells you otherwise under the pressure of crisis. You aren’t crazy or strange; you are a human being in deep pain, trying to survive in the only way you know how, and that in itself is an act of immense bravery even when you feel your weakest.
I see your pain, and tbh totally with I truly understand it , and I see how hard you are fighting even when you can't bring yourself to get out of bed. You don’t have to find answers today or "fix" anything right now, it’s enough that you spoke up and shared what’s in your soul. You are loved and valued, and the way we see you is so different from the reflection you see in the mirror right now. You are Kiara 🌷✨the one who is enduring a season of incredible darkness and just being here with us is enough💖✨