Thoughts
I just wanna share my general situation.
I'm facing the most difficult part of my life. I thought, that this couldn't be worse then my past but life show me how wrong i am.
Try a business, lost money and a lot of timefor the seek to improve economically and move out to the city i study. Im a chemical engineer student. Thar business take a lot of the time I use to study and now maybe I lost my subjects this semester, I dont like that because I love to take good grades, my ego doesn't like it 😂. And all of this is even worst, because I tried to enter nuclear engineering and fail catastrophicly, another hit to te ego. Nuclear is my dream career, even studying a lot, and losted more time for my actual career doesn't help the cause.
So I wanna share my thoughts goods and bads about little things. Yes at least I'd try, right?. And that's actúa a really good thing, ik. But that put me in a situation I don't really like, to feel so vulnerable in academics, im drawing, that's how it feels. And Ik I have more capacity and the natural skills for learning, the problem is I don't know how to exploit it efficiently. I have to loq my head be humble and then try again.
On the other part of my life, at the same time, I facing three situations. My "home", if I call it like that, is a mess, and I blame my brothers. Im always the support for all of them, one have depression and the other one is actually a really bad person and abusive, I'm the only one confront him, a lot, and true the years that drain me energy. Imagine, clean all the house, you took a nap and wake up to see all the progress is wasted in seconds because someone else makes a mess of everything at every opportunity, that my life for a decade. Clean half or an hour just simply to cook 20 minutes.
Of course, I olso have my older sister, She leans on me whenever she can, I help her with everything I can. The problem is, the majority of the time the only thing she does. I have to hear all her problems. Solve any problem she had. Help her with my nephew's, and i actually love it, I love them and I do what ever I can do, but she doesn't understand I'm not her husband or the father's of those children's.
So, my life is a mess in and out of my house, and olso is a mess in my heart.
Im a 26 years old man, never been in a relationship, and for a long of time that kills me and hurt me a lot. Now im glad for that because I just realized how broken is in the matter of sexuality our society. Hypersexualized, lack of connection, people traumatized for their past relationships. I recently convert to islam, i'm Muslim and thats one of the two goods things recently pass because that took of a lot of weight. But now I facing my true problems. Pornography, i have and addiction to that, and I really feel ashamed, ik is a common thing, honestly doesn't help that. The problem is, if I resist I feel horrible, my body and mind play tricks with me, send me a really shiny and detailed images as an impulse. My chest hurts, my hands and body shake, stress to the roof. But If id fall for the temptations, I feel horrible because ik is not healthy and Im making more problems. Of course I feel guilty because I fail to Allah. But every time i fail, I clean up, pray, and ask for forgiveness, always returning to the odd one, and ik that's what he wants. But doesn't take away all my suffer. I have a good relationships with the woman's of my life, but I don't like the way I saw woman Instinctively. So I control my self, always.
Im asking to him, because I'd realized this days what actually want, even more to be a nuclear engineer. I wanna find someone, who believe in Allah to and build a deep relationship like He wants between a woman and a man. My deepest desire is to have a children, to protect them, my wife and my children's. To contain them. To allow them to live as safely and stably as possible so they can flourish.
At the same time my mind goes "haha, ur asking a lot man. You never find someone like that.". This feeling and thought born true traumas with woman's in my past. They always use me, improve their life, learn from and with me and then they discard me. Recently, a woman destroyed my heart, at the same time all those things are happening, yes.
I know her about some time. We were always very close. She, like me, had very intense pasts. I weighed 140 kg, but now I'm perfectly fit and healthy. My self esteem was horrible, but now I know my worth. Of course a lot of things and stuff. She had bad relations with some people in her life and that traumatized her to certain point. I helped her a lot with her past, showing her how to process all the things in a healthy way. There was always a strong attraction between us. One day I decided to take the plunge. I was surprised to hear her say yes and think the same thing. Hearing her say he was the only man she'd ever want to have children with warms anyone's heart. But something happened as the days and weeks passed. It was like walking on glass. Any misstep and a wave of anger that I still don't understand would appear. I've dealt with it with her in the past, and I've always been able to help her cope, but this wasn't the case. All I wanted to do was fix things, or at least finish them well. But she didn't want that. One day, she texted me and decided to cut everything off, leaving me with things that weren't really worth it to mention. That combined with the rest of the problems brought me to this edge of having no energy for absolutely anything. But the only thing I do is keep going, process all the things the best way I can without developing recentment or hate to anyone. The only thing I do is workout at the gym, heat, study with the little energy I have. Travel 5hours per day to go to the college, learn English, pray, thats my life right now.
Dealing with the feeling of loneliness because well, the only people how talk to me is because they need something, so haha. Im trying to lean to my family, The side that doesn't drain me, my grandmother, my uncles, my mother.
But I have no energy haha. I'll keep going because it's the only thing left. When the semester is over, I'll move heaven and earth to But I don't have the energy, haha. I'll keep going because it's the only thing left. When the semester is over, I'll go all out to move to my university city. And live alone. That's a dream.
At the same time I'm trying to process my relationship with women but haha, I admit that while I don't develop hatred, I do develop fear. At the same time I'm trying to process my relationship with women but haha, I admit that while I don't develop hatred, I do develop fear. And some women, I don't know if intentionally, try to take advantage of that. They don't respect my boundaries with touch. I'm Muslim, but they doesn't care, they invade my personal space and don't respect my boundaries and beliefs.
Of course I'd is just a feeling this fear, ik there good womans. Anf this one, Even though he hurt me unnecessarily, I don't hold any resentment. Just understanding, I know it was her traumas speaking for her, and in the end I didn't make her feel safe.
This new year is the most intense, in both good and bad ways. But at least I've been aligned with several things. Living alone. Deepening my closeness to Allah. Gaining several kilos through muscle gains and becoming more disciplined in doing so. Discover what I really want beyond a meaningless, empty connection. And learn two lessons. Three. The first is that at least I tried and failed. Now I know how much I can handle, and that makes me strong. On the other hand I have humble myself and understand that if I failed my subjects it's okey. The last one is... I'm trying in everything in my life, in shaa Allah, if may god wants, id find someone some day, or live alone, or pass my subjects, I'd do what ever I can anf the outcome depends on him. I'm trying.
Thx for reeding ik is a lot and maybe I make several mistakes in how I express, I'm still learning this language. I hope at least you have a cousy, relax, day, and if you are in trouble to, I'm here too to hear you. Wish you the best. 😁☺️
@Franse
Something someone taught me recently was;
when feeling stuck, or overwhelmed, or uncertain, just do the next right thing. And then do the next right thing. And then the next. Don't worry too much about the future, just do the one thing that seems most right for now.
Doing this, some of the worries will sort themselves out. The others, might need dealing with, but those can be dealt with, when the next right thing to do, is dealing with them.
Getting up, going to college, studying and then repeat each day, might not be exciting or glamorous. But if it is the next right thing for you to be doing in this moment, then it's the best thing to be doing.
@Clio9876 I know man, ur right on that. What else i can do?, i dont wanna get down and do nothing, even if i fail with my subjects, and thats sucks because i really like to prove myself i can get high grades. The problem is, every time i sit and study, is a ***, everytime i wake up and go there too. Where ever i go my body tells me no. Sure i can ignore it and keep going, thats what im doing, even if i dont wanna go to the gym. But im going to be honest, at least, today, after the exam of inorganics, my head for his own is starting to plan every thing for catch up with this subject and termodinamics. Maybe i dont pass is part of the semester, but if i make and effort and pass the second one, i can reach another last chance to get the first one. If staying and study in my house is ***, and olso in the college, at least, there, i dont have to deal with my brothers, i can sit down with the laptop and some musics, drink mates and study there, then back home, even if i go back late, because wel... i have to travel minimum 2:30hs minimum to come back. Reach home, make dinner and the food for the next day, shower and sleep.
@Franse
I think it is great how you are planning how to catch up. That's a good way to get it done- focus and get your head down.
I wondered, did you talk to the college? Explain to them what happened? I know it is really hard to admit to a mistake. But if they know you admit it was a mistake, they might be more forgiving and help you catch up.
@Franse
It sounds like you’ve taken on a lot of challenges in a short amount of time. When I was in college, classes alone were enough to keep me really busy. You are taking classes, working on your spirituality, and dealing with family issues. In addition, you’re dealing with the disappointment of a lost relationship.
That’s a lot to deal with all at once. What are you doing for self-care?
I think it can be hard to find a woman in a western culture who immediately understands the differences regarding the meaning of physical touch in your culture. It may call for forgiveness, patience, and gently explaining how you feel about it. I also think there are different value systems and attitudes towards sexual expression between cultures. In some cases, couples from different cultures find ways for those differences to become something to celebrate, and it brings them closer. At other times, the differences gradually lead to tension, and the relationship coming apart.
I like to think that failed relationships aren’t failures as long as we learn from them. In my own life, a failed relationship was exactly what was needed for me to encounter someone I’ve been happy with for 32 years.
I can relate to
wanting to live alone. I’ve always wanted my personal space and
privacy. It took a very special person to inspire me to share my
space with her. I’m quite fortunate that she’s as particular
about housekeeping as I am. I grew up in a messy home, and don’t
think I could ever live in one again.
When it comes to
sexual thoughts and porn, it may be worth considering that we are as
we were created to be. We are born with an existential and DNA
programmed drive, designed to facilitate procreation. It’s not a
perfect system because we’re not always in a position to fulfill a
reproductive agenda. I don’t think any guilt should be associated
with sexual feelings. They are part of us, just as other aspects of
our body and mind. To me, feeling guilty about those feelings makes
as much sense as feeling guilty about height or hair color.
However, of supreme importance is how we manage and respond to those feelings. As long as you’re respectful of women and their boundaries, I think you’re doing okay.
I’m not sure, but I don’t think at 26 years old, many guys have been fortunate enough to be in a good long-term relationship. I think you still have time, and maybe with all the schoolwork, fewer distractions might be better. It also seems to me that the most successful families are among those who started them when they were in their 30’s.
Wishing you a fulfilling and less stressful future.
@Spiritriver
The only thing im doing to self-care is just, eat the better i can, exercise at the gym, at least try to sleep and pray alot, thats the only thing. Also im giving me the oportunity to process all the things, at least a little time. Im stuborn, its difficult for me ignore the problems even if that disturb my mental health in the moment, i really hate to ignore it. Is a doble edge weapon.
Yeah i think is going to be pretty hard to find someone, especially here in Argentina. The people, and the youth are too consume for horrible ways for expressing sexual attraction. Honestly i feel lost in this part of my life, and is going to be like this for a long time.
And yes, failed relationships, we can learn about them, i learned a lot, in a very bad and hurting way, but, yeah, i learned, yei (?. But really, not only i learned how actually women works, now i know better ways to deal with them in a healty maner. At the same time, they traumatized me, a lot, and i have to learn that i horrible selecting.
It must feel wonderful, honestly, to have been with someone for so long, who knows you so well. Someone to lean on. But hey, all I can do is dream and pray that it happens. I don't want to think about it too much because it's too painful for me. I'm really happy for you, my friend.
Regarding pornography, yes, I understand perfectly. I'm trying to get rid of perfectionism. Learning to deal with this problem in a different way, something that doesn't destroy me in the process. But at least trying has allowed me to relax more around them. I've stopped feeling that regret for a while now, and I see them as just another human being. Obviously, I always treat them with respect, sometimes too much, unnecessarily because they didn't earn it. But I lived and live surrounded by very good women in my life; they all taught me to treat them with respect.
And yes, I have plenty of time, and I'm still very young. In fact, the weight of being a virgin and never having been with anyone vanished as soon as I became Muslim. By these standards, I'm still young, and that's normal. But at the same time, I'm afraid it will never happen. It really seems impossible to me, even more so now that someone who loved me for no reason I still don't understand and can only speculate about decided to run away. So yeah, its actually hard to fight against those thoughts, but im trying.