Thoughts on fighting loneliness.
I have been fighting - to be heard, to be invisible, to be strong, to be perfect. I fight for people, harder for them than I do for me. I fight to not hold it against them.
I fight to remember the past, I fight to forget it, I wrestle this dark twistedness inside me. I fight to believe in God's grace for me because I don't feel worthy. I shadowbox with demons and give more than I have to lose.
I am angry.
I am tired.
I feel I have been fighting on my own in silence, in fear, in knots, in shattered grief for as long as I can remember.
How do I stop fighting wars that don't exist? How do I know what is real and what is safe to let go?
When does the fighting become standing firm against strongholds, knowing I won't lose ground? When will faith feel like victory, this promised new creation feel like my own skin?
Because these days all I do is retreat to shadows and call it hope. Friends will come again, they come and go and some return; they haven'treturned. But the light is slipping through my grip and I am afraid of this breathless wait.
@jarfold416 Hey there! I know how you're feeling right now and it's never easy to be in such place. It's a clueless, stucked, dark place to be in. But I can assure you that you're not alone in this. But not everyone has the courage to talk about like you did. It's really commendable.
If you like to talk about it or anything else that going on with you, you can reach out to me.
Thank you. And please take care yourself. I know it's not easy in this hard time but I want you to know that you matter more than anything else
Thank you @TowardsTheR8Intent for reaching out, and for your kindness. Most sincerely.
I do not know whether I have courage, though I am trying to learn to be on my own side; I have always had a hard time believing my issues are worth speaking up about, however dark or small.
When I have spoken up before, I have been blamed or dismissed/not believed, or just not gotten much help, so I learned to cope in private and be silent.
That is what is catching up with me - my coping mechanisms aren't healthy, like a pretty tree that rots from the roots, from the inside out.
The community here validates everyone's pain without judgment and I really want this to finally be where I belong and can heal and help others too - You are all brave warriors.
@jarfold416
"I hear so much of your pain and exhaustion in your words right now. It sounds like you are incredibly angry and tired from this constant internal battle, feeling like you've been fighting in silence and fear for so long. You're wrestling with so many intense feelings – a desire to be heard yet to be invisible, the pressure to be strong and perfect, fighting for others, and a deep struggle with your own worthiness and faith.
It sounds like you're grappling with what's real, what's safe to release, and searching for a way to move from constant struggle to a place of feeling firm and victorious. And in this difficult time, it feels like even hope is just a retreat to shadows, and the slipping light leaves you afraid and breathless as you wait for things to change.
That's an immense amount to carry. Can you tell me more about what it feels like when the light is slipping through your grip and what this 'breathless wait' means to you?"
@Parth951 Thank you for your thoughtful response and direct question. I will try to be brave because everyone's comments here have meant so much.
It is inextricable from my faith. I do not want to trigger anyone, but there might be triggering stuff, nor is this meant to be judgmental. I am only speaking from my experience.
The light slipping away feels like even though I have all the knowledge, the tools to be stronger in my faith, I know who God is and I know how I am living is sinful - I have compulsively masturbated since I was a kid because of something that happened, and now I sometimes go to anonymous chatrooms for online sex even though sex is not what I want at all but the distance is safe- and it's eating me alive.
I do want to honor God and to know his peace and how his love expels fear and how his grace is for me no matter what, so it feels like I am fake, I am pretending and I will be exposed as a fraud and because I grew up a Christian, I didn’t experience a brilliant change of being set free in Christ. I worry a lot about if my experiences are real.
Since a kid, I have been hiding this darkness. I can stop for a while but it always comes back, especially when I'm stressed or depressed; it's this build up of restless anger and need for control. I can’t trust myself to be good, to do what is right, to live as Christ calls me to live, I keep giving in and rotting my soul a little more so I redirect the powerlessness on myself. I used to hurt myself in other ways, but now I punch my arms and legs. It feels like a better alternative, like snapping a rubber band, and I would rather feel physical pain than spiritual darkness. I am afraid I will never change or get better. I am afraid I will never be enough, that I can't be loved till I fix this.
I hate thinking about the future because I can’t see myself in it. That is the breathless wait. I want community and friends and love and joy and to belong in real life with real people, but I do not feel real. I punch myself to make the pain real, to exist outside my head, so I have proof. But my body does not always feel like me.
Sorry I didn't know I was going to write all that. Thank you for listening. Now I think I might go break down.
@jarfold416 Please know that you are never alone in your trials and tribulations. You are very resilient and this is evident by how far you have made it thus far. Keep on pushing forward. I am here for you every step of the way. Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk.
Thank you @dobielandry I really appreciate your kind encouragement, and for the offer of talking. I hope to soon.
I will try my best.
Take care and all the best,
jar
Hi @jarfold416
You are not alone with your struggles.
Your post resonates with me 1000%
@braindamag3 Thank you, I appreciate hearing that. I hope you are doing okay, and if you need to talk, I am here for you too.
Take care of yourself, friend,
jar
Friend.
Here is a fine Bibleverse for you. Isaiah 43:4 "You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you" Remember God/Jesus Christ does not lie.
@Helgafy
@jarfold416
It takes incredible courage to admit how overwhelmed and exhausted you feel, constantly fighting battles within yourself. I want you to know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to feel this way. It sounds like you’re carrying a heavy weight, trying to balance everything on your own, and struggling to find hope amidst all the darkness. Can I ask, what would feel like victory to you right now, something that could bring you some sense of peace and reassurance?
I appreciate you @adorableGrace87 and your gentleness.
Your question is actually really difficult for me to answer. I don't know.
I've been in a raw place for a few months and I have a hard time going to God with all my shame and backsliding. I repent and commit to being more faithful, then it starts all over. The shame and negative thoughts are so ingrained; even during periods when I am lighter, it's like I never fully shed those layers.
Trusting myself to be in control of my emotions consistently to resist temptation would be a victory.
But that feels like an insufficient answer.
@jarfold416
If you don't mind I plee the blood of Jesus Christ over you for your protection.
@Helgafy
@jarfold416
Psalm 91.4: "He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
@jarfold416
I can feel the weight of your exhaustion and frustration. It sounds like you’ve been carrying this burden for far too long, and it’s understandable that you’re unsure how to stop fighting battles that feel endless.
