Tired, Ocd, Mom
Hii. So ive been wanting to vent for quite a while now. I'm so tired. My mom keeps being chaotic, tho I know she means well it constantly drains my energy and my mood. Also suddenly memories from a past time are surfacing and it's so strange abd subtle and weird. I don't know what my emotions wanna tell me, but I'm too scared to sit with them even tho I tried. Also I don't experience catharsis on crying for the past two years. It's really hard to express my emotions. And to top it it off I hv neurodivergence, which is why I constantly crash after school, and I'm so tired of OCd constantly being excluded in neurodivergent spaces. The good part is my friends and My self-love, but idk other parts like chaos in my family and other things just feel unstable. My parents aren't bad but it's really hard to accept that I'm never getting a second pair of parents to be there for me. It's also my psychological need to stay up late to control at least this keeps clashing with my biological circadian rhythm and I keep staying up late. But they don't wanna understand. Where're I try to explain it's like I'm facing a wall of constant advice and misunderstanding. Also everyone thinks I'm straight, but I'm really not. And this is dark but I like pretending I am bcoz I don't want to be hurt. In my head I've never, ever been ashamed of liking girls. Not when I was a kid, and not now. But outside of my head, putting any other label feels so strange. Ofc my friends and family know that I'm an ally, but nothing beyond that. And first I thought it was okay, but it's getting really tiring to put 'he' or 'they' pronouns to refer to some crushes. Also I've not even been able to open up to any therapists. I think I'm also just not able ti trust guys in any form, whether it be brother or friend or crush. I've become so wary after experiencing so much. I'm not saying I hv anything against guys, but warmness tends to build after a few experiences. Also I get really irritated when my family refers to my "future husband" or whatever, especially in a phase when I'm not even feeling any genuine attraction towards them. Also I'm really scared of change abd the sudden internal emotions even if subtle and the resurfacing of memories is really scary after all the change already. I just want stability, but maybe a part of me wants freshness too. Also, if any of u hv ideas on how to sustain my peace along with my relationship with my mom, that be helpful (I've tried talking to her and it's only further drained me btw) Anyways so thank u for listening. Sometimes I just get so tired of this world, this society.
@reservedVase8999
It sounds like you've been dealing with a a lot for a long time. You mentioned that you have self-love, which is a very good thing, as that's our healthiest resource for strength.
It also sounds as though you long to be your authentic self, and feel accepted by those around you. I think is you get older, you will become more independent, which will give you more opportunities to be around other authentic and accepting people. With that said, in my experience, typically a person has just a handful of friends who are truly and unconditionally accepting, and remain loyal.
However, that just may be my perception as an introvert.
Your emotions probably what to tell you a lot of things, including many feelings that seem to be in conflict with each other. Such feelings are common among young people as they approach adulthood.
It has to be difficult to face the expectations of those around you, based on the assumption that you are straight. However, I think you are doing the right thing with regard to trusting your judgment about not revealing your sexuality until it feels okay to do so.
One thing to keep in mind is that your current circumstances are not going to last forever. In the coming years, you will gain greater freedom, and more opportunities to be with people who will love you for the valuable and beautiful person that you are.
I'm glad that you appreciate that your mom means well, even if it's difficult to be around her.
I used to stay awake all hours of the night. It made going to school pretty rough. It was a bit different for me though, as my parents weren't engaged enough to be concerned about how much sleep I was getting.
It really is hard to feel surrounded by other people's expectations of us, especially when it's family.
I think my personal peace was facilitated by being both a loner and introvert. Sometimes, life was so chaotic that I would hide in the bathroom, close my eyes, and clear my head.
Typically it takes several sessions over a period of weeks before a feeling of confidence and trust can be established with a therapist. It's pretty common that the first few sessions don't accomplish much.
If you think it will help, feel free to message me.
Yes I do cultivate self- love. And I think it's been helping me a lot thru this. And I hope I will get more chances to be authentic in the future. Dw, I suppose I too appreciate a small tight-knit group of friends. I think there are subtle internal conflicts I've been having to deal with, and tho I show up for myself it's been very confusing trying to figure it all out. Yes, sometimes I feel a little strange very few ppl know, (and no one out of the ppl I talk to daily,) but I think I want to feel safe before I'm ready to come out. I'm sorry u had to go thru that experience in school. I hope ur doing better now. Thank you for your support and your kind words. I appreciate it.
@reservedVase8999
Good morning dear lady, I just read your sharing post, "Tired, Ocd, Mom". It does seem that you have the weight of the world on your shoulders at the moment. Too many things crowding in, and down, on you can weaken even the strongest person.
You say you have been unable to "open up" to a therapist, may I ask why? You know your conversations with therapists are protected by "Therapist/Patient" confidentiality, at least they should be, maybe you might ask that question.
May I ask, is your therapist male or female? You know that in the majority of medical/paramedical establishments you also have the right, if you and your therapist are not a good fit, you can request to consult with another therapist and make sure to specify that it should be male or female.
As to putting labels on yourself based on your own thoughts alone, especially if you are feeling pressured and weighed down, may often be the incorrect way to proceed because you may well be experiencing things that you don't have the correct name for, this can lead to an increased sense of isolation and sensation recognition.
I won't lie to you, I am a guy. I am a guy who has been through a life changing experience that began in 2000 so I have quite a bit of knowledge, and self work, under my belt and while I understand you may NOT want a guy's perspective on this I assure you I look only at the facts and I am quite secure in my "self" and who I am. I would, if you'll permit me, like to help untangle this ball of wool for you.
I hope to hear from you.
Peace,
D.
HeyI think I'm nor able to open up for several reasons, including old wounds,and maybe just habit, it takes long for me to build trust, and by the time I do they let me down. My first therapist didn't even hv a professionall degree but I was there bcoz I was in survival and I only had her to tell everything. After that the other therapist I couldn't open up to, and I don't think she knew what to say. The third one I went with an open mindset, but she really hurt me. So I think my trust tank has completely collapsed for now.. And yes labels do feel scary right now. I like myself how I am, but I'm scared I'll be oppressed if I'm seen that way in the outside world. All I know is, I'm definitely not straight at all.. and I'm just not able to heal as long as I'm in the same home as my mom. Thank u for ur offer to help. I suppose I'd like to hear your perspective to consider what I should decide.
@reservedVase8999
Hello again dear lady,
There appear to me to be different levels to your situation and I think the most constructive approach would be to somehow "isolate" those issues and deal with each one separately. Trying to deal with everything at once can be exhausting and, ultimately, self-defeating.
Firstly: Your problems with finding the "right" therapist for you seem to have come to a dead end. Be assured, the right person is out there, somewhere, the trick is finding her. I am getting the strong message that you need a female therapist to relate to and that is fine. I believe that what you need do is find a therapist who is receptive/friendly to LGBTQ people to find your "fit" with the right therapist.
Secondly; Labels are something that OTHERS need to make you fit comfortably within THEIR world view. I'm going to go in hard on this one and say the only person that needs define and approve of you is YOU. Other people, in general, do not matter. If you are happy with yourself that is fantastic. Stick with your own beliefs and needs. This may cause some "outside attempted interference" but hold fast to your own strength of belief in yourself and who you are. As I said, with the possible exception of close family, hold true to YOU.
The third point/issue; This may be a little more difficult to solve. Are you able to move out of the home you share with your mother? This would give you the space, without constantly feeling that "pressure" to make your decision regarding your mother and your family. A delicate question, if I may, have you "come out"? Have you "Come out" to your family? This will probably be difficult so I would suggest, if possible, to put a little distance between you and them while they come to terms with your life decision and needs.
I know, a lot of "ifs and buts" in there but I truly believe in breaking problem situations down into their separate parts and allowing yourself the space to decide what priority/priorities are most important and should be dealt with first.
I do hope this gives you some ideas and helps you to settle on a course of action in your mind. I will remain following this thread so please, feel free to come back here as often as you need and I will do my best to help.
Namaste,
D.
Hey. I guess I will try to see if I can solve these issues separately. The problem is, there's no one time solving. All these issues come in layers, and sometimes I don't either know what do, or have the strength or energy to do so. While I may be happy in my life, and my self-love, I'm constantly running low on energy.. in fact I can't remember the last time I actually had high energy. I will try to find a queer friendly therapist, but I may need some time. After what happened the last few times, I think my trust tank is completely running on empty. I like ur idea of how I don't need to label everything. I feel as tho, tho I do relate to some labels, there are so many boxes the world tries to put u in, that even if I relate, I feel exhausted trying to label everything. While I'm not currently able to move out, I probably will next year, and as for coming out, no I'm far from coming out even to my friends, let alone my family. While a few friends from the past know about this, no one in my current life i aware. My parents hv seen me advocating for lgbt rights or watching those shows, and while they don't think those identities are inherently wrong, I don't think they rlly understand either. With all the tension at home, and seeing as I'm not financially independent as of yet, I doubt coming out to my family will be the right decision. Thank u for ur perspective, and your reply yet again. I really appreciate it😄
@reservedVase8999
I really do wish you all the best, I know, from experience, how difficult these "tangled" times can be.
If you wish to call on me again just to bounce ideas or thoughts off, please do not hesitate. I am here to help and support in whatever small way I can.
Namaste,
D.
Thank you so much. I'll keep u updated