Tiring feelings (giving up?)

Have you ever remembered something you did in your past which now feels so bad that continuing life seems like a challange to you? You're overthinking, feel like you don't deserve anything anymore and once a thought goes away you remember, one by one, all the things that make you feel ill, unworthy. The dreams and passions you once had feel like they're too good to be achieved by someone like you, even being loved by friends, family, lover or simple aquaintences feels bad. You feel like your past defines you, like the immature things you did when you were young are like commiting disgusting things some people do with no remorse. You feel remorse, you never supported the things you did, you hate them and you always did, yet you still stick to the past. What can you do do about that? It's tiring to keep thinking, I'm done. I know I am not like that, I keep looking at people thinking what would they think of me if they knew, I can't expect love from anyone, and the one who is the most dissapointed in me is myself, but still others who see who you are now would be so dissapointed in your big mistakes too. Is healing even possible? Every night I stay up and feel a bit better, next day I wake up and close my eyes again and again even if I'm not sleepy. At this point I'm losing hope, maybe the only way is if I stay up all night and never sleep again, but that's impossible. I just want a big hug and getting it would make me feel unworthy and guilty yet loved at the same time. But would anyone even love me like that?