Unsure
Ok so I just downloaded this today so im still figuring it out ***. Tried to post this once but idk if it went through. I have been feeling so hopeless and depressed for a long while now. I am just so unsure about what to do, how to take the first couple steps, again.
So im just gonna say the main things that bother me atm. This year, actually a week ago today, I turned 21. This is supposed to be a milestone in my life. A happy one meant for celebrating. And I did. But this means I am now older than my mother.
I lost my mom when I was 2 years old in a car accident. She fell asleep behind the wheel. My mom was 3 months away from her own 21st birthday. So knowing that I was the same age she passed, seeing how young she was, and now aging past that. It hurts.
This brings me to another point in which I'm tired of hearing that it is so much easier for me because I don't remember her. And people are right that I don't remember her, but don't understand the hole in my life it has left behind. Seeing other people have these moments with their mothers is hard. Because I don't know what it feels like, and I never can. I won't have her at any of my big milestones, because she wasn't able to experience her own.
This is also a very hush hush thing for my family so I don't have people to talk to. I feel kinda silly telling this to strangers. But this is only a fragment of my life that bothers me. I just wanna focus on one thing at a time though. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I'd really appreciate some guidance on how to make this feeling more bearable.
@Mantis333
Welcome to 7 cups! There's a Member Welcome Pack
This is the only thread of yours that I can see.
Happy Birthday!
Knowing you have outlived your mom - it's understandable that brings up a lot of emotions!
I think it's also perfectly ok to grieve that what could have been and the relationships you see others have with their moms that you didn't get to have.
Do you have any extended family more open to talking or are they all so hush hush about it?
@Mantis333
People may tell you that grief gets easier with time, but truly, you might just stop feeling it the more time goes on. Some people can't understand your situation, so to lighten the mood, and to prevent long conversations about something that hurts you- they wish you well and remind you that it'll pass. That's completely okay of them to do. Some people may not understand, but a lot of others' will. Your pain is acknowledged, and I share my deepest condolences and wishes for your mother to live a better life, and for you to be happy regardless of what happened. Happy birthday, as well, I hope this year you will be able to move forward with strength and courage despite knowing you're older than your mother now.
I want you to try to notice something important. Suffering often becomes even heavier when the mind continually asks, "Why couldn't it have been different?" or "I should have had those experiences other people do with their mothers'." These thoughts arise naturally, but if we cling and hold onto them, they can keep reopening the wound. This doesn't mean pretending the loss doesn't matter- it just means that you have to learn how to hold it with compassion instead of fighting reality. Something that might help is a brief recognition of your mother in your mind- not trying to imagine memories you don't have, but acknowledging the love that exists despite the absence. You could remind yourself that although you two had little time together, you thank her for giving you life. You can carry her kindness forward in your own life, and wish that she may be at peace now. Whether or not you believe she can hear those words isn't an important part- this is about about allowing love to exist without needing to erase grief.
Your mother's life was incredibly short, but the value of her life isn't measured by its length. Every life, whether twenty years or one hundred, is impermanent, too. When you are able to realize this, you can gradually shift your focus from "She should have had more time" to "May I use the time I have wisely, in a way that honors her."
I'm incredibly proud that you've been able to share something so personal with the 7cups community. That's a step forward on the healing process already! Even if you cannot talk to your family about her, perhaps you can talk to a trusted friend, a counselor, or even in a journal. Giving your grief a voice can lessen the weight of the pain you have to carry in silence.
Most importantly, you should be gentle with yourself. Healing is a gradual process, and you're not going to wake up one day never feeling sad about this again. Healing means that when sadness comes, you learn to acknowledge it mindfully rather than with resistance. One day, you'll think, "Grief is here today," instead of "I shouldn't still feel this." Like all mental states, it will arise, change based on certain conditions, and pass.
I wish you the very best and hope that you may find peace on your journey through your own life. May your mother's memory, whether held through stories, love, or simply the life she gave you- be a source of compassion, rather than a source of pain as time goes on. Take care of yourself.
