⛰ clovers isolation cabin on a cliff side ⛰

im such a *** mess i can't do this ***.

im scared for my birthday. tuesday. the 19th. something about 14 sounds so off-putting and i don't know what about it. maybe because i made it another year that i thought i wouldn't make it to. maybe it's the realization that i'm no better at 14 than i was at 13. i don't know. im not ready. the attention is going to suck. "happy birthday emma" "do you feel any wiser?" "what are your plans for your party?" over and over and over until finally i'm home, but i'm not. when i get "home" i know i'm so lucky to have a family that celebrates me and gets me presents and cake like a stereotypical family does but i don't want it. i don't want any of it. i want to go home. i want my people. every single day i remember what someone has said to me. 2 years ago, they said i was going to set the worl don fire with my spirit. this year when i left, the last thing they said to me was, "set the world on fire right?" and believe me when i said i lost it. for the past year that was the one thing that she had said that kept me motivated, and the fact the she remembered what she said to me a year later is crazy. just crazy. now it's the wallpaper on my phone, and i think about it all the time. i think about her all the time. i miss my friends so much its so sad. i just want to see them, and give them hugs that last forever. i don't want to leave them if i ever see them again, i just want to stay. i want to play this summer over and over and over again. i still haven't unpacked. in the garage, theres just a bag full of camp stuff that i can't get myself to unpack. it's going to be so so sad i cant take it. its full of all the things i made and things people gave me, and i just cant. it'll be a rush of what i used to have, and what i no longer am able to have ever again. even if i go back to camp, it won't be the same. the people won't be there, i need the people. at this point, it isn't even the place, its just the people. i would go anywhere with my people, all i need is a couple more minutes with them. it's all i want now. i want the lake and the sunsets. i get pretty sunsets at home yeah, but nothing like camp. every nightat camp i would sit on the beach with this one person, who would just put her hand on my back and hug me while i fell apart. every. single night. i just felt so safe with her it's crazy. i need her back man, i need her back. i need it. dad got mad at me for saying camp was my home. "oh but emma, you know this house will always be your home, you can't call some place other than here without your family home" i told him over and over that it was yes, my physical home and he replied every time "it is your everything home." "you do feel safe here, your family is here" and every time i said it he got madder and madder and when i finally decided to get up, i was crying, he was yelling, over a camp. a *** summer camp that makes me feel more safe than i've ever felt, and there he goes telling me i can't feel the way i feel. [tw ed] im scared im scared im scared dude averys getting worse again. she was better, she was so so much better. meds were helping for the first time ever and now shes back to how she was. dad said she might have to go to inpatient and im scared. if she goes yeah she gets the help she needs but then im stuck here. stuck in this *** house with all the attention of 2 people who i hate to call my parents. something about them and how they act gags me. my mom is the most childish person in the house, and i often feel like i'm the one taking care of her. i can't do it. i've been spending more and more time out of the house to get away from them. volleyball every day after school, speech and student council tuesday wednesday and thursday mornings, njhs and volunteering after school after volleyball, just piling and piling up clubs and extracurriculars to get away. i need a break. im so exhausted. i've been cutting off all my friends too and i know it. my best friend of 8 years now hasn't heard back from me for 3 weeks now, and my friends from volleyball only talk to me at practice. people from camp are the only ones i talk to now, and my friends from school hate it. im getting quiet again too. i barely talk at school now, and my friends keep commenting on it with stupid *** comments like "oh are you depressed now" "haha emma ur so emo" "r u ever gonna talk to us now all u do is listen to music" they'll take my phone from me and take my airpods and won't give them back whenever i listen to music so now i sit on them so they don't take them. the worst comment i've gotten from someone was "u sound like sm fun at camp why cant u be like that when ur back ur so boring now" and that one *** stung. i wish they could know how good camp is for me, and how i need it tokeep myself going. i need it. i broke down the other night because i missed camp so much and i came out of it with an answer. im going back no matter what. idc if i don't make the team bc i need camp. then the next day i started thinking "what if volleyball doesn't even matter if ur willing to give it up for camp" so maybe thats the truth. maybe volleyball isn't for me. maybe i should quit. i suck anyways. i'm only getting worse. its still an escape from home but i would much much rather spend 6 weeks at camp than be on a high school volleyball team. *** i've gotta make this choice soon. im so freaking exhausted but i've been sleeping more than ever but waking up even more tired. everything is catching up to me at one time and im drowning. im drowning when i'm supposed to be setting the world on fire. ironic isn't it?