long vent..

I've been in my head too much lately, so writing this in hopes of getting out of my head. 

One of the many things in my head is a former best friend. I knew her since 4th grade and we slowly started drifting apart in middle school. Now we don't even text. I've tried my best to keep our friendship, and I guess I'm thinking about her because her birthday is next month. In 2024 she said happy birthday a day late, and I haven't heard about her since then, until my friend's birthday like five months later. At that point we barely texted expect for the occasional hi, or holiday related text. At the party, some of my former best friend friends were there, and were talking about her. Apparently she was going to hangout for her party, and when I heard this, it really hurt. Because she maintained contact with her newer friends but not with me. I tried so hard to maintain our relationship but she never put any effort into it. I wonder if she never really liked me. I gave her so many chances already, because in elementary school she would steal my stuff, but I still forgave her for that and other incidents. Even now, I would still give her another chance if she would reach out. Because of her, I distance myself from my friends in the fear of getting too attached. I wish she knows how I feel like, because of her.

Also been thinking about death. Last week my dad told me that his friend's daughter k*lled herself, and she was 2 years younger then me. I wonder why she did it, and even though I don't know her at all, I wish I did. I wonder if she feels similarly to how I feel right now. A question popped into my head that night when I was going to bed. What I care if I d*ed right then and there? If it was quick and painless, I would say no. Even now I would say the same thing. Maybe I'm just desperate. And I think dying is different than k*lling yourself. Even if it's the same result. In my question, I didn't mean dying in the terms of k*lling myself. But now I consider it. Last night I thought about hurting myself again, and slashing my wrists till I cry on the bathroom floor. I realized that I'm a very morbid person. I would never k*ll myself or hurt myself, but I can't stop thinking about it. Sometimes I wish to d*e. Maybe by a car accident. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous. I wonder if I just had everything I wanted in this world, if I had what I'm so jealous of others having, would I feel the same way. Would I want to d*e or live..? Maybe it's because I'm so unhappy, and I want to d*e. Maybe it's because I hardly get what I want. Maybe it's my family. So many maybes. I keep telling myself just 2 years till I leave for college, but I wish it would come much sooner. All of these thoughts are getting worse and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Another thing I'm thinking about is my classes for next year. I'm unfortunately a band kid. I wanted to quit before highschool but got guilt tripped to doing it on 9th and 10th grade. Now I'm here. I've done 5 years of band, and I know it looks good for college apps. So why should I quit?? Well, i really hate band. I put so much effort into it, and I'm at the point of giving up. Also it's a lot of stress to play well, especially in solo parts. It annoys me to see so many people doing better than me in something like this. I'm just a jealous person I guess. I want to quit band and do creative writing instead, because it's a dream of mine to write a good book. But I don't think my parents will let me. It's either I tell my parents to let them know I'm quitting and changing the class to creative writing, and they get mad at me and might prevent me from quitting or I don't tell them and still change classes, meaning when they find out, they will b e really angry. So either way they will be angry at me especially since they want me to do marching band. And this year I practically did "nothing" they want me to do more stuff next year, but I don't want to do a lot of things next year because of the SATs and I'm taking more harder classes, and I know I'll have a big workload. I also still want to have time for me, and do writing and design projects. But my parents don't like me doing that stuff. I don't really know what to do about it.

I still have my things on my brain but I guess these are the big things at the moment. If you read all of it, then thanks, I don't expect too many people to read this since it's a super long vent. Anyways bye don't know what to say at the end lol