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bobaTeaa1234
1 408 M Embraced 3
surviving
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts120 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes96 Current upvotes96 Age GroupTeen Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 29, 2023
Bio

Don't really know what to write...

Just trying to get through high school and go to a good college.

I love to listen to music! Favorite artists at the moment are the neighbourhood, Arctic monkeys, Conan Gray, radiohead, and more indie/alt/rock bands. Also enjoy kpop groups like skz, cortis, and enhypen.

I like to read, write and scroll through Pinterest.

Dealing with stuff and needed to put it out in the world somewhere and just started using this website!

Also if I don't reply or chat back, it's because I'm socially awkward and anxious, so I don't know what to say and end up not writing back...  😭😔



Recent forum posts
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vent (looking for advice!!)
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 June 22nd
...See more I keep on thinking about h*rting myself, maybe even k*lling myself... And I don't know what to do. I can try my best to distract myself, but when I'm by myself, or laying in bed it's all I think about. And I know it's bad to think about sh, and even worse to actually do it, but once I get an idea or thought, it's hard to make it go away. I'm scared of myself for thinking about this, and I also hate myself for being so selfish. One part of me is so tired of everything, and life has become so futile, but the other part is thinking about how much my life could improve once I get to college and move out. I think my mental state is worsening, and I don't know what to do about it. It's weird to ask my mom to get me a therapist, since I brought with her a couple times already,  and I don't think we have money to spend on a therapist. And just bringing anything up about it makes me anxious, because of all the questions she will ask and she partially knows what is going on since she read my journal.  I debated on telling my friend, in the hopes that'll she'll help, since she is going through depression and is getting better. But at the same time I don't want to burden her with my problems when she is dealing with her own. And the big reason I haven't told her yet is because I don't even know how to start the conversation.  Also it's already almost 3 weeks into summer, and it's already a big blur. I've wasted so much time doing nothing. Not only that, but I feel tired and anxious most of the time. And when I think about h*rting myself, I feel nauseous. I wish I could stop thinking all together. I feel so desperate but I don't know why. I find myself disregarding other's feelings, I don't even care that my friends care about me, and I feel like crap thinking like this. I guess I'm writing this to get help, and advice. Also if anyone has any coping mechanisms to help me get over this, please let me know. At the end of the day, I just want to get better.
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Rant
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 May 29th
...See more I wish my parents listened to me. The other day my mom said that they're tough on me because they care. Even though I'm not a parent, I don't think that's how it works... I don't think they know how much I hate them sometimes. Maybe I hate them because I never get what I want. Which seems kinda babyish and dramatic, which I am according to my mom,dad, and brother.  The main problem is that I want to quit band. And take creative writing instead. But my parents want me to do band till I finish highschool because it looks good on college applications. My mom says that I need something to stand out from others. But it's not like I'm going to an ivy league or smth. If I apply to 20 colleges I'm sure I'll get into half of them even if I don't do band for the next two years.  It's not like I'm dumb, I'm literally taking 3 AP classes next year. I want to take writing cause it's something I enjoy and improve on. It's my dream to write a book that changes people's perspective on life, so I really want to take the class. But my dad says it's dumb and my mom says I should take it with dual enrollment, which is like taking a class outside of school hours for college credit, but I don't want to that. Last week I told my mom that I want to do creative writing, and then she told my dad while we were HAVING DINNER. And she made it sound like the most ridiculous idea. And it was like they were offended that I wanted to take creative writing. And then my dad was like, it's not like you can call CPS on us because we aren't letting take writing class. Like wtf was that supposed to funny cause it's not. It's not like what I'm doing will affect their lives, so let me decide and deal with the consequences myself. And then they're like, you have so much talent and potential. Well I don't care cause I hate band. So I've decided to take the writing class, and I'm going to tell my mom trmw, I don't care if I can't take it cause they can't force me. I don't care if they slap me, yell out me, and take all my stuff away, I'm still going to do it, because I'm tried of not doing what I want to do.  So yea, end of rant I guess  Have a good day to whoever reads this!
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long vent..
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 April 24th
...See more I've been in my head too much lately, so writing this in hopes of getting out of my head.  One of the many things in my head is a former best friend. I knew her since 4th grade and we slowly started drifting apart in middle school. Now we don't even text. I've tried my best to keep our friendship, and I guess I'm thinking about her because her birthday is next month. In 2024 she said happy birthday a day late, and I haven't heard about her since then, until my friend's birthday like five months later. At that point we barely texted expect for the occasional hi, or holiday related text. At the party, some of my former best friend friends were there, and were talking about her. Apparently she was going to hangout for her party, and when I heard this, it really hurt. Because she maintained contact with her newer friends but not with me. I tried so hard to maintain our relationship but she never put any effort into it. I wonder if she never really liked me. I gave her so many chances already, because in elementary school she would steal my stuff, but I still forgave her for that and other incidents. Even now, I would still give her another chance if she would reach out. Because of her, I distance myself from my friends in the fear of getting too attached. I wish she knows how I feel like, because of her. Also been thinking about death. Last week my dad told me that his friend's daughter k*lled herself, and she was 2 years younger then me. I wonder why she did it, and even though I don't know her at all, I wish I did. I wonder if she feels similarly to how I feel right now. A question popped into my head that night when I was going to bed. What I care if I d*ed right then and there? If it was quick and painless, I would say no. Even now I would say the same thing. Maybe I'm just desperate. And I think dying is different than k*lling yourself. Even if it's the same result. In my question, I didn't mean dying in the terms of k*lling myself. But now I consider it. Last night I thought about hurting myself again, and slashing my wrists till I cry on the bathroom floor. I realized that I'm a very morbid person. I would never k*ll myself or hurt myself, but I can't stop thinking about it. Sometimes I wish to d*e. Maybe by a car accident. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous. I wonder if I just had everything I wanted in this world, if I had what I'm so jealous of others having, would I feel the same way. Would I want to d*e or live..? Maybe it's because I'm so unhappy, and I want to d*e. Maybe it's because I hardly get what I want. Maybe it's my family. So many maybes. I keep telling myself just 2 years till I leave for college, but I wish it would come much sooner. All of these thoughts are getting worse and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Another thing I'm thinking about is my classes for next year. I'm unfortunately a band kid. I wanted to quit before highschool but got guilt tripped to doing it on 9th and 10th grade. Now I'm here. I've done 5 years of band, and I know it looks good for college apps. So why should I quit?? Well, i really hate band. I put so much effort into it, and I'm at the point of giving up. Also it's a lot of stress to play well, especially in solo parts. It annoys me to see so many people doing better than me in something like this. I'm just a jealous person I guess. I want to quit band and do creative writing instead, because it's a dream of mine to write a good book. But I don't think my parents will let me. It's either I tell my parents to let them know I'm quitting and changing the class to creative writing, and they get mad at me and might prevent me from quitting or I don't tell them and still change classes, meaning when they find out, they will b e really angry. So either way they will be angry at me especially since they want me to do marching band. And this year I practically did "nothing" they want me to do more stuff next year, but I don't want to do a lot of things next year because of the SATs and I'm taking more harder classes, and I know I'll have a big workload. I also still want to have time for me, and do writing and design projects. But my parents don't like me doing that stuff. I don't really know what to do about it. I still have my things on my brain but I guess these are the big things at the moment. If you read all of it, then thanks, I don't expect too many people to read this since it's a super long vent. Anyways bye don't know what to say at the end lol
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I'm think I'm really pathetic...
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 March 30th
...See more I really have nothing going for me. In my house, I'm not known for anything. Just lazy and someone who back talks. My sister is the creative one who has good grades. My brother is the gamer who has a lot friends. And I'm the girl who reads too much and has grades that always should be better. My sister is doing more stuff and has good grades. And I'm not involved in school things like clubs, so apparently my grades should be better than my sister's. She has band after school for 4 hrs, and all I do is waste time at home. My sister is the one who will make money creating things, and baking. My brother is the one that will definitely be a millionaire entrepreneur when he grows up. But me, I'll be boring. I'm not recognized for anything. I'm never good enough, I'm just so average. And it pisses me off. Every day my parents always mention my sister, saying to sell her art and how she'll make money cause she good at it. My dad said that if she learns drumming she'll be good, same with my brother too. And I'll be sitting right next to them, but they don't mention me. They don't know me, and I'm sure they can't imagine what I'll be when I grow up. It's like everyone else has something, a purpose, or hobby, but I really have nothing. I don't even know what classes I'm taking next year for high school. I really don't know what I'm doing in my life. I'm just so tired of everything. I have 2 more years. I dealed with 3, so what's wrong with two more. After that I'm leaving this place, it's really suffocating, and my parents don't know that. I honestly can't wait to leave, it's what I'm looking forward to. So what I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I don't care if I have friends. I don't need them. I'll leave and go to college, get a job, and do whatever I want. I'll have some freedom for once. I won't have to worry anymore and everything will get better. It will, i really hope it does get better.
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I don't think I'm okay
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 March 19th
...See more Actually I know I'm not okay. And I don't know when i started feeling this way, I just know it hasn't ended. I feel sick, in an uneasy way, like when you know something bad is going to happen. And I'm anxious most of the time. I don't know why, I wish I did. When did life get so hard... Is it weird to find talking to friends an obligation? I wish there was a way to fix this feeling I have. I want to get a therapist but my parents can't afford it, I should probably get a job. But I really don't want to put any effort into that, or anything in that matter. I'm just tired all the time. I'm really tired. I keep waking up super early like at 3am, and I keep on having weird dreams that I hardly remember. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe for attention I guess but that sounds really greedy, and selfish. Maybe I'm just an attention seeker like my dad and brother say, that would be funny, i don't know why, it just would. Actually I might be going insane, because I have nothing to do for the rest of the week. And I just realized I wrote a lot, I mean who is reading this anyways, I feel like no one really cares unless you're about to hurt yourself or smth. I'm tired and my head hurts again so I'm going to bed. I'm going ice skating with a friend trmw and hopefully it will put me in better spirits, at the very least, I'll pretend to be in better spirits. 
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vent
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 March 2nd
...See more I thought if I could hold myself accountable, I'll get better. This week I've tried to be more productive by getting my work done and getting up and going to sleep at decent times, washing my face, having a routine and even working on creative projects, but I feel the same. Every time I go to bed I feel the same way, empty and sad. I want to cry, but I never do. I have so many problems with myself and others and I can't fix them, don't know how to. I'm stressed, anxious, and tired. I'm so tried. I just want to get better, why can't I get better. I shouldn't feel this way, because I have no reason to. And my thoughts, I hate my thoughts. Thinking about things I can't change, thinking about horrible things about myself, just thinking and thinking. I hate it. I wish I can stop thinking. I wish I can stop everything. I want to reset my life. I must've done something in my 16 yrs of life to turn out this way. I just want everything to go away, my feelings, thoughts, everyone. I just want to get better.
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breaking up with my bf??
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 January 27th
...See more I made a mistake when 3 yrs ago my boy best friend and I found out that we had feelings for each other. I should've said something about how a couple weeks later, people started referring to us as bf and gf and saying we were dating.  I should've stopped whatever it was right there, because I just because I said I liked him didn't mean I was automatically in a relationship right? At the same time I was in middle school so I didn't know any better. Jan 25 is our anniversary, yesterday i guess, and he told me he loved me. I didn't text him back. And now I'm stressing out because I want to break up with him. I've wanted too since last year. I just don't like him anymore and I never loved him. I feel like I have lied to him for the past 3 years and i can't go back, I want to stay friends but I'm scared that this will ruin everything. I was going to break up with him on Friday, and didn't so now I have to break up with him today or trmw, just Monday which is today, time is kinda confusing rn cause its almost 2 am. And every time I think about breaking up with him I get a dull ache in my chest, I don't why but it only makes me feel more unsettled. I hope that when I break up with him, I would feel lighter, because this problem has been weighing me down for a long time.  I hope I even have the courage to break up with him, because I'm scared of confrontation, and if I do it, I hope I get my point across Wish me luck I guess..
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How do i pull myself together?
General Support / by bobaTeaa1234
Last post
 December 31st, 2025
...See more Or as my dad would say snap out of this funk? I stay in bed till my mom or dad get me up, I barely brush my teeth, never wash my face, only take a shower when I need to wash my hair, and I'm just so lazy. Every day, week, and month are the same, the only thing that changes is if I have school that day or not. And it's been like this for more than 2 years. Almost every day I think that if I could just pull myself together I could get better, be more productive, and actually take care of myself, and I say I'll start trmw but I rarely do, and if I do, it's only for a day or two. And the phrase is so simple, pull myself together, snap out of it. But I can't do it, I don't know how to get myself out of this hole i have dug and I'm scared I'll never change, I'll be lazy forever, and only do good in things that matter like school and all I want to do is get better but I don't know how to
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