need support

TW: mentions of DV, SH (the word mainly) and SI (the word mainly) ‼️⚠️

Has anyone genuinly been super scared of their parents? like im not just talking abt being afraid of being hit but like worse? i dont like brining this in things, however i do see it alot, thats not to shame the area or culture, is just a area of issue in the society, alot of rural areas have deep abuse . like deep deep, im not just talking abt DV but literally pyschological. i wanted to maybe post this in the trauma area, however my ocd does not feel comfy with it so im not going to risk it becus it might cause distress and rn i do not have capacity for more distressful feelings, but i do ask if anyone responds to be someone whose expeirnced CPTSD and OCD. or atleast CPTSD. I dont rlly want to post this but support it not present rn, so im trying this, if it does not help idk. i just want someone to validate me and show support and compassion, i also dont want to feel alone in this. idk if someone can relate, however i understand OCD is like a protector + manager part. I do not like it when ppl critize protective responses / trauma responses as they are there to protect and are signal of unprocessed feelings, actions and memories. something that has made me feel uncomfy reaching out is unsolstic advice, like "why dont u just leave th-"....... I know what to do, i need support not a block. Im not going to explain myself, ive tried alot to help me i dont need someone misunderstanding me or giving unsolstice advice. I just need to know im not alone in this situation, compassion, support, and understanding. Im going to share some abt my compulsions now. Becus i am alone in my situation, and my parents feel unreliable altho they show reliability but then dont, that actually i heard gives more trauma and confusion to the nervous system, my ocd became present and was the protector at first, then it has become the manager. It has gone to the point, this situation where i am trying to recover from SI however i keep being interrupted by my parents behavior and the community's and its doing horrible things to my physical wellbeing and mental wellbeing. I have become kinda uncomftorable speaking abt my situation and things, becus alot of ppl dont understand and the amount of ppl that have dissapointed me in safe space is.. not good. rlly not good, and someone whose already in burn out can only take so much before they start becoming distrustful. Im going to mention also me and my mas relationship is very confusing, first she claims to love me then hurts me and theres not true healing repair, even if she apologises, so if it shard to trust, theres the reason. My ocd has reached a point where i have to ask it permission to do things, i think this was a way of making me feel comftorable, or feel some control or order or safety but its become to the point where sometimes my ocd might mimic the abus ei went thru as i keep hearing insults, i keep having thoughts of SH, i keep fearing of accidently hitting me when i accidently nudge me, its hard to do mistakes becus im scared ocd will give me a panic attck becus ocd rn feels like the most reliable person rn, and i cant just stop it its a protective response and removing it instantly or quickly does not work, it needs a safe space, and im trying to atleast make my room safe but its har dbecus compulsions are present in anything i do even as i type this, if i dont do them i feel this feeeling of like im unconsious or sad and its uncomfy, and it makes me want to delete this message but i want to see if im alone as it might help me feel less judged and like horrible. yk?