stuck

I don’t know how or why but I try to keep thinking positive, keep hoping, and keep using my future as a way to keep me moving forward and be excited for some thing every day.

But the truth is the future doesn’t matter because it isn’t real, I mean, of course it matters, but I mean it shouldn’t be used as something to motivate me because like I said, it’s an idea and it’s not real.

I’m saying this because I realize in my every day, thoughts of the future don’t help because my every day is ***. Maybe not *** but hurtful in so many ways and most of them, I can’t control, or have to put up with because of my circumstances. I have to work, I have to finish school, I have to live with my family and I am in no position to do anything other than those things. But in my every day of trying to get these things done, there is no love, and I have been on auto pilot, pretending like it doesn’t bother me that each of these things bring me pain.

Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I had real and actual connections in my life, friends, and people that actually care about how I feel and my well-being. So that work wouldn’t feel so much like work and school wouldn’t feel so much like school and that I at least had someone to talk to about the things going on at home. And ultimately could remember through sharing laughs and hugs the joy and wonders that can be found in life and living.

But I don’t have that, I’ve tried and for some reason it never sticks, never works. So most of the time I usually try to rely on my siblings for that sense of connection but I’m disappointed every time because I know they will never care about me in the ways I need. Our conversations have always been empty. Empty enough to talk, but still not know each other. There’s been a wall built since before I can remember from parents who never taught us about how to be open and communicate. I guess I’m just in the wrong place, with the wrong people. I feel suffocated.

I bury myself in the idea of becoming successful so that I can move out and cut ties and maybe build a life around who I actually am and want to be. Where I’m free and don’t have to do or be anything I don’t want to. Work included. At least none that I’m forced to do.

But some days, most days this week or maybe month that dream, that peace just seems so far away and unrealistic.

It’s getting dark and I don’t want to use that as an option, but what other way out is there?