the ache of existing

i used to be muslim and the thought of not wanting to live was always there quiet and constant but back then faith kept me holding on the idea of mercy and forgiveness used to stop me after i left islam everything changed there was this strange freedom and with it came silence no fear no afterlife to hold on to and in that silence the thoughts got louder i used to silence them with faith but now there is nothing to stop them i tried to talk about it but i realized people dont really listen not because they are bad but because everyone is just trying to survive their own pain even my family and friends life goes on and no one notices you slowly fading maybe thats why now it doesnt feel like an emotional reaction it feels like acceptance life just doesnt feel meant for me anymore before i used to believe that being born had a meaning but after leaving faith i started to see myself as a small random cosmic accident existing for no reason my presence or absence doesnt change much i really wished my story would feel different i never wanted to feel like this but maybe this is how it was always going to be