vent (looking for advice!!)
I keep on thinking about h*rting myself, maybe even k*lling myself... And I don't know what to do. I can try my best to distract myself, but when I'm by myself, or laying in bed it's all I think about. And I know it's bad to think about sh, and even worse to actually do it, but once I get an idea or thought, it's hard to make it go away. I'm scared of myself for thinking about this, and I also hate myself for being so selfish. One part of me is so tired of everything, and life has become so futile, but the other part is thinking about how much my life could improve once I get to college and move out.
I think my mental state is worsening, and I don't know what to do about it. It's weird to ask my mom to get me a therapist, since I brought with her a couple times already, and I don't think we have money to spend on a therapist. And just bringing anything up about it makes me anxious, because of all the questions she will ask and she partially knows what is going on since she read my journal.
I debated on telling my friend, in the hopes that'll she'll help, since she is going through depression and is getting better. But at the same time I don't want to burden her with my problems when she is dealing with her own. And the big reason I haven't told her yet is because I don't even know how to start the conversation.
Also it's already almost 3 weeks into summer, and it's already a big blur. I've wasted so much time doing nothing. Not only that, but I feel tired and anxious most of the time. And when I think about h*rting myself, I feel nauseous. I wish I could stop thinking all together. I feel so desperate but I don't know why. I find myself disregarding other's feelings, I don't even care that my friends care about me, and I feel like crap thinking like this.
I guess I'm writing this to get help, and advice. Also if anyone has any coping mechanisms to help me get over this, please let me know. At the end of the day, I just want to get better.
@bobaTeaa1234
I am sorry you go through this... I guess it is part of living... you ain´t alone, and you can beat and get better. Hope is anchor of our soul. Dont ever lose it. Things got better for me, when I WAS SURE they won´t. Took some time really.
Dont be afraid, do not fear... dont be alone for that. Have supportive people around you. Seriously.
Then what is the reason u r feeling like that, the mental state u in?
@Amazinggracethatsavedawretchlikeme there isn't one specific reason for why I feel this way. Most of the time I don't know why I feel like this. It just a bunch of things like school ending, complicated relationship with my "boyfriend", insults from my family disguised as jokes, and like so many other things. For a long time, so many things have begun to chip on my self esteem and mental health. While some days are better than others, I can sometimes be stuck in this state for weeks or longer, without knowing how to make it better.
@bobaTeaa1234
I see, I think... that your solution is finding the answers to the questions of life. You know what I mean?
Where did I come from? Does God exist or no?
Who am I? What is my value...?
Why am I here? What is the meaning of life and of my life?
How should I live? What is the right way to live?
Where am I going after I die?
You gotta find those.
@bobaTeaa1234
if a friend has found something that works, she may be open to talk to you about it.
I think of all the times I missed reaching out. Most people want to help if they can.
What worked for them may not for you but opening up and talking may let you see somethings differently. even talking to a listener may help.
@bobaTeaa1234 Hey, thank you for coming here with your trouble. It take some effort to do it.
You are so right, your life will change in ways you can't predict. You are in a place of your life you can change your life in so many ways over time...
Would you like to share what feels most painful now? Could you think of any specific wish about your future no matter how unattainable it feels today?
And about you wondering if sharing with your friend is a good idea. It might be. Like, when you are struggling the knowing you are not alone can mean so much (also for them). It is very delicate so it is worth starting gently. Like probing if they want to talk about it with you or not. Saying something like: "I know you were struggling on your side. I feel not so great myself and I wonder how you are doing." Like imagine somebody telling that to you? Would you appreciate the trust, feel relieved to not be alone or feel defensive? Each answer is ok. I think it might be worth trying gently to see where it lands for your friend... and if not your friend or a therapist, then 7 cups have many wonderful listeners and in many cases working with listener is said to be as effective as a paid therapy.
@bobaTeaa1234 you really feel like you want to end your life . There was a time I went similar route. How do you feel now ?
@bobaTeaa1234 i feel like this often too, even now. it feels like no matter what i try, nothing seems to get better. the feeling always comes back. i hate myself so much for ruining other's lives, and my own mental health being the cause of it. and no matter who i talk to, no one ever seems to understand it. when people give me ways to make me feel better, they never seem to work. "think of things you feel special for", or "try a therapist". im not anyone special, or even close. i dont really know why i feel this way. all i ever do is rot in bed and think of how lonely i am.
i would try distracting myself with music, or maybe going outside and enjoying nature when i have thoughts like this.
i really do hope things get better for you, boba. even if it feels like it never will. youre amazing.
