word vomit

Im on holiday (and have been for a few days now) and all I have been doing is getting food (over eating) and staying in bed and doing nothing, so basically what I do wile im home

There is a beach like 10 min away that typicly I would be exited to see but I cant seem to care

I just dont care about going outside and doing anything or exploring this town 

On one hand I am completly fine staying inside and doing nothing, on another I want to want to go outside and explore becouse I'm not sure when I'll be back - I just dont want to nor know what explore

Here's my thinking I go out and do what? Shop? Not my thing. Eat? I dont want to eat so I can 'explore'. What is there to do if not eat and shop?

Its like I just dont care anymore about doing anything

I was thinking last night when the last time I trully smiled or laughed was, and I couldnt find the answer, it had to have been 2+ years ago, wich is shoking becouse I remeber a time in my life where I couldnt go more then 3 hours without laughing. Then I saw a post that asked questions that made me relize how alone I was and how when push come to shove the only person I have is my mom and i am fine with that but I feel like I should have more people around me but I also dont care

Then that leads me to a thought that has been in the back of my mind for a while but never really formed a thought, witch is maby I am not the type of person that has a so solid group of freinds or go's out or im not fun or things of that nature and I do want that but also how but also do i want that, I dont know

I suspect I have depression but I cant seem to care

Ive had it a majority of my life so at this point its just a part of life so what does that even mean

Like I have depression great life moves on and it wont stop becous I cant seem to get out of bed

But also what a previlage is it to even have a bed to stay in all day and have phone with coverage and data to scrool all night, how privilage and also intetled thing to say I dont care about the world so I wont interact with it/I dont feel like it so I wont/ let my feeling determin my action

Im so lost and every time I try to find direction I feel like I get more lost and I think that is why I cant seem to get out of bed or care about anything becouse my life is in flames and im throwing water to try to take it out but its only growing it and I dont know how to suficate it but it feels like I should care that its a sunny day and birds are churping in the bacgrounf while im deeling with the flames

I also think thats why I have been a bit meaner, resentfull, angeryer becuse this past year has been the harderst, some of the darkest, and just the worst by far and im letting it change me