Community Lessons: Boundaries - What are they really? Discussion thread!
Setting boundaries is challenging if you're unsure what they are or how to establish them. Boundaries are personal limits and guidelines that define how you want to be treated by others as well as how you will treat yourself.
I grew up with little to no knowledge of what boundaries are, and it was confusing and frustrating to say the least. I let myself be pushed around but quickly realized that that’s not okay, and I have every right to stand up for myself. And in order to stick to my guns, I had to treat myself like I was worth the effort.
Setting boundaries is about asserting your needs and creating a sense of safety and respect in your relationships, and extends to all types of social interactions, too. As you become more familiar with the concept, you'll gain confidence in defining and maintaining your personal boundaries. For the whats and the whys, we have a fantastic guide on Boundaries I highly recommend reading that sums it all up much better than I could.
What I want to accomplish in this post is to start a conversation. Here are a few questions I would love to hear your answers to (feel free to pick) and invite everyone else to chime in and talk, empathize, offer tips, and learn from one another.
1. How can a lack of boundaries impact your well-being and mental health?
2. Is there a time yours were violated? What do you wish you would have done, looking back on it now?
3. What would you say to someone who struggles with setting boundaries due to fear of conflict or upsetting others?
1. How can a lack of boundaries impact your well-being and mental health?
It can limit some stressors and even potentially prevent trauma. It can help with achieving balance in life by not stretching oneself too thin.
2. Is there a time yours were violated? What do you wish you would have done, looking back on it now?
With the medical system, there have certainly been some things. Asking lots of questions ahead of time may have helped, but it's one of those situations where you don't know what you don't know. I do tend to ask a lot of questions as it is.
When I was younger definitely a lot of situations that could have been done differently just by using my voice.
3. What would you say to someone who struggles with setting boundaries due to fear of conflict or upsetting others?
Practice with someone who is safe. Learn to get over the initial discomfort as in the long run it tends to prevent a lot more of it.
Prepare ahead of time, if possible.
TW for inappropriate touching, sexual harassment
Public transit comes to mind for me. I learned that embarrassing those who get too touchy-feely but in a way others don't easily see works well. It takes some confidence to yell out get your hand off my leg but it gets easier when a bunch of people turn to stare and the offender curls into themselves, humiliated. I think people who do that enjoy making someone like me feel shame, turning that around is very effective.
On sundays when I go to church, there are old people there. They're kind, and always walk up to me and ask how I'm doing- but only after they grab my arm, shoulder, or pat me on the back. And woah old lady grip is strong. Anyway, my response is usually something like "I'm doing fine, but could you please not touch me? It makes me uncomfortable when people do that. It's nothing personal." (autism) And hopefully it starts sticking soon. But yeah- plenty of people want you to be comfortable, they just don't know what your boundaries are sometimes!
@Heather225
Hi H! 😊 ❤️ Thank you for creating such a wonderful forum post! What a great topic and one that can be useful for all situations and settings in life! Thank you also for providing the link for the training guide as, I too, have found it to be most helpful.
1. How can a lack of boundaries impact your well-being and mental health?
I feel like having a lack of boundaries and or not expressing them can make you feel stuck, trapped, confused, frightened, powerless, lots of different things really dependent upon the situation. It can certainly effect your well being and mental health in a variety of different ways. Being around someone with negative intentions and especially long term can create mental health issues in us as individuals.
2. Is there a time yours were violated? What do you wish you would have done, looking back on it now?
Triggering Warning for child abuse/neglect:
H, I like you, had a difficult upbringing to say the least. Boundaries were not an option. That would have been unheard of and quite dangerous to express a boundary. What ever it was that was being done to you, you had to accept it. When you cried you were told to stop crying or "I'm really going to give you something to cry about" so you had to try and stifle the cries no matter how hard you were being beaten or they would do it to you more.
Boundaries were not an option and even expressing basic needs such as food or water were not allowed. If you remained silent and compliant there still could be times when you were told that "I'm sure you will be bad tomorrow so I'll go ahead and beat you for it now".
Looking back on it now, I wish I would have had more courage. I wish I would have told someone that boundary issues were being violated in hopes of being removed from the home. I was kept isolated and knew to never tell for fear I would not be believed, not helped and make the situation worse for me. I wish I had spoken up, I wish I had tried.
3. What would you say to someone who struggles with setting boundaries due to fear of conflict or upsetting others?
I would tell them that they are not alone. I would tell them that I understand and that a thousand mile journey truly does begin with the first step. I would let them know that it's a difficult thing to do, but that I am there to support them every moment of the way. ❤️
I would let them know that many times we can finally find the courage to set the boundary, however....once you set the bar with some that thought treating you that way was a good idea in the first place, they likely could limbo right underneath that bar that you set. I think it's a good idea to hope for the best while also thinking ahead of what will be the next step if the boundary is crossed once again as there needs to be a consequence for the behavior. What is it that one will do if that happens lest the original words become empty?
I would tell them to keep trying and it's not easy. I would also tell them it's okay to reach out for help and support. ❤️
H, again, many thanks for such a great forum post that could be considered for online here on the platform as well as translates quite easily to real life situations.
*high fives* 😊 big *hugs* ❤️ and stay great my friend! 😊
@Heather225 setting boundaries is hard. I had no rights of voice for 18 years. Its left me disabled so I need 24 hour care. Carers to help me get dressed and to give me a shower 😞 I hate being touched. And I cover my body with blankets as much as possible. I don't live in fear anymore. But those things are not nice and embarrassing. I'm not in a position where I can set boundries. I wish I could live on the moon alone, and be healthy
