My girlfriend's mum seriously depresses her..?
So I was trying to write this up last week when things happened but I never had the chance, and things have got worse.
So basically we're both in university. I'm still living at home and she's an international student. We started getting close after so long and we got together in November.
But that week when we got together, she was suffering financial trouble. Her mum and dad were getting nasty with her telling her to find a job even though she'd tried. I offered to help her out until her university scholarship came through but she refused my offer.
All her mum did with her over Skype was scream at her. She said to her own daughter that she looked like a drug addict and she's no future and things like that.. Eventually, her mum did send her a bit of money to tie her over, but then she got her scholarship and her mum demanded some of that money. She sent her mum about 300. See her family are in financial difficulties at the moment too, she's from a poor country as well, so she wants to help her family out. My family invited her over for Christmas where she opened up to me about finial difficulties. She even told me that before she met me, money was so bad for her that she was contemplating selling her body.
Anyway, it was just after New Years, I was stopping at hers quite often. She was stopping in some shared, private rented accommodation. This house was disgusting. The kitchen walls were falling down and plaster and mould was everywhere. I told her she couldn't live there anymore and so my family welcomed her in and she's been living here since. But her mum was never happy about it. And it's nothing to do with us, she's saying that she doesn't want my girlfriend getting in the way or annoying us. I found it awful that her own mum would accuse her of being annoying.
Since then, occasionally her mum will just scream at her for not having a job yet. She wants her to come back home and slave for the family business all throughout summer. She's worked for her family before but her mum just has nothing to do with her. My girlfriend told me that on her birthday last year she just spent the entire day crying. She wants to go home and see her dad and sister and I know she even wants to see her mum. But her mum expects her to find a job now and then just give it up and come work at home in a few months.
Anyway, it kicked off last week. Her mum had a go at her and calling her nasty things. I was going to have a bath but I gave it to her to cheer her up. She was crying her eyes out, saying she didn't want to be alive anymore and she kept putting her head under the water. Her mum depresses her to a point where she doesn't want to be alive anymore. I thought that was bad..
Yesterday we had a walk around the village where I live. She was handing her CV's out. My mum recommended that a disabled lady on our street was looking for a carer, so we talked to her and she took a CV. She then handed it in at a care home in which have night shifts going. She phoned her mum up to let her know that she might have found work, and yet she screamed at her for not thinking about her family and helping out during the summer. She gets screamed at for not having a job and gets screamed at for trying to find one..
Well she cried all day. And she's been up a lot of the night being sick because of it. I've never seen her or anybody in such a state before. She's really depressed and I feel so helpless. Her mum is bad news and treats her awfully..
I want to be there for her so much but I just don't feel like it's enough.
@Jlawson118
I'm sorry to hear that she's feeling like she is and you feel it's your duty to take away all the pain; that's a lot of stress and responsibility. I'm sure what you're doing is more than enough. Being there for her when she's sick and upset is just what she needs. She knows you can't do much about her mother so she won't expect anything other than your love and support. You're doing well!
@Jlawson118 I can relate to your girlfriend. My mother was like that to me all through my childhood, teens, and as a young adult. I remember I used to have to pay her $400 for rent when I was 19 and still living at home! I worked a lot, but I didn't realize at the time how outrageous and unfair it was that my own mother would charge me $400 for renting a room! I could have moved into a studio apartment for $400 w/heat and electric included! But, I was too young and naive and more worried about boys and partying. This will unfortunately damage your girlfriend if her mother keeps treating her this way. It really messed me up. After I finally moved out, I was moving around place to place and working different jobs and my final resort was prostitution and I did that for almost 2 years. My mother found out and didn't care! She just wanted the money! She let me move home for a little while and escort out of the house! I got out of it and got into fixing cars and then met my now husband, but my mother continues to bother me. This time, she is alone, in an assisted living complex, and has very little money. My husband says God is having her pay back for all the mean stuff she did. Who knows .. but your girlfriend needs to pull away from her mother and find her own job and school and just leave that woman alone. I know how it feels. It hurts a lot. That is her mother, but being harsh and cruel like that messes a person up as they turn into an adult. I hope she will find her own way.
@Jlawson118 ...
I am really sorry to hear that, her mom is obviously a very negative person and have negative thoughts about her daughter... the only way is that your girlfriend start to realize that what her mom does for her is only because of her mom and not because of her, and that her relationship with her mom is very unhealthy and she shouldnt feel guilty about what her mom says to her!!
I recommend this book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward… you can find a free copy online