okay, i feel like crud. (TW)

(TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, mental illness-type stuff?)

so not only is my mental health bad, my physical is bad too, which just makes my mental heath even worse.

just a stuffy/runny nose. no big deal, right?

well when it's a stuffy/runny nose mixed with sore throat at times, gender issues, conflicting thoughts always being against you, having your period coming which fucks with you emotionally, hard time sleeping due to those conflicting thoughts, etc etc...

i was raised badly. i don't know how to handle my emotions, feeling anything negative, i mentally resort to violence. i'm not gonna seriously beat anyone up or anything like that, but it frustrates me.

my thoughts seem to always be like...i'll be thinkng about whatever, and there's some opposing thought asking like 'aren't you supposed to be doing that?' just always like...imagine the most skeptical person ever. questioning everything you do in a way that makes you feel like it's wrong, like you shouldn't be doing that, even if what you're doing is justified, harmless, etc. THAT voice is always, always, always in my mind. sometimes i'm like falling asleep with a nice calming song in my mind and when i hear that voice i just go 'go fuck yourself, i'm gonna do what i want, and right now i'm gonna relax', but that's rare.

long story short, i have a lot of issues right now. everything is kinda just...dormant, usually, imagine a muddy sea floor or whatever, there's a bunch of crap there, and it's just sitting there, but when a fish or whatever comes along and...what's the word...it's not dormant anymore, it's all shaken up and everywhere? like that.

all my issues are here. some are passively bothering me (*cough cough* MY THOUGHTS *cough cough*), but a lot of the time i'm not focusing on it. but when something comes along, shakes it all up, everything seems so big, so irritating, it upsets me, and i don't know what to do to handle it, i don't really FULLY feel...like, anything, because my heart is practically just fucking nonexistant, it's so numb, and if it wasn't, i'd feel my emotions completely...like in my heart. but it's practically like nothing's there, so what gives?...

my thoughts are getting worse, it's all getting worse. my urges to self-harm have gotten more violent, although i haven't self-harmed in a while (surprisingly didn't self-harm before my period, happens every time), sometimes i want cuts instead of what i usually do. which is bad. i don't want to seriously hurt myself, which very well could happen with cutting and the like.

do you ever just feel like...having to care for yourself is a burden? you feel all this emotional crud and it's heavy on you, but remember to drink lots of water, eat healthy food, take a shower every day, make your bed every day, wash your sheets every week, clean your cat's litter box every fucking day, exercise a lot even though you feel like rotting in your bed until you pass out so the pain isn't really there anymore, do this, do that, do this, do that...it's fucking impossible.

i mean, i drink water pretty OK, haven't drank much today because you know that feeling when you don't wanna drink water due to a sore throat, swallowing hurts and stuff...i always have a cup of water (with a lid so it doesnt spill) by me. and i don't take a shower every day just because that kills good bacteria (i shower every...2-3 days??? i hate measuring time like that, when does one day end and the oter begin? does the first day count?), eating healthy food for me is kinda like...just happens regardless because i like 'healthy food' and have this..spite????? towards junk food (cept ice cream, ice cream gets past my radar.)...but like...

sometimes it feels like all the shit you have to do to sustain yourself physically feels like a total burden. because you're never 100% healthy, your body feels heavy to walk around with (even though i'm not really heavy for my height, i guess..), you just wish you could eat things you like, have your cat there, draw maybe (and not drown in perfectionism over it), talk to your friends... you just want it all to be okay.

but your mind isn't healthy enough for that. even when you're talking to friends you'll get a random rush of sadness and you ignore it to not be a pain, because it is a pain for you too, because it's always there. you're always sad deep down, you never REALLY feel good, your mind hates you, your body isn't healthy enough to walk around and excerise but laying in a bed is bad too (your blood flow is like... bad. i've felt it before, it's not fun), and just..everything is a burden. you have good stuff left, but all the bad stuff is so, so up-front, you CANNOT ignore it, you just want it to all be ok, to all be ok, you'll heal and by after that you can handle this stuff. but you're broken, you aren't healed, and life throws crap at you anyway.

it's a burden. there are things not as heavy and clear, just...numbed pain, because it's not so horrible and it's partially numbed you don't reach the bottom of this emotionally so you don't learn some big lesson from it like usual. yes you can trek on but you're still unhealed, get something with cracks in it, keep using it and it'll break.

sorry for talking so much and sorry for the bit of spirituality (heart stuff), i just have a lot of issues and ranting is good... letting it out is good...plus i think watching the emotions go from 'something on mind' to full-on rant rambly-ness, to that...chill-ness. relaxing after it, the healing..i think just watching that is interesting. i've posted things exactly like that on other places and yeah, it's nice, but i'm worried that the readers (often friends) see it end on a positive note and in denial that i'm in this pain, that that's that (2manythat), i'm not gonna feel that way again, i did the rant and i got better, but i always sink back, i absolutely am not trying to at all, but it just happens... just because i healed once doesn't mean i'm permanantly fixed, i still have a lot of persistant issues, i still need help...

i just..have so many issues. half of the source of all this is due to my family, the other half due to years of mental, emotional, sexual etc self-abuse...i self-harm, i get dysphoria which is inevitable being trans and all, i have that damned perpetually conflicted voice in my head, i tend to get irritated at my family and that results in self-harm, i have a distrust towards people which has been making me really want to isolate myself more which is the last thing i need right now, i'm afraid of straight people and men which is a burden, i'll imagine abusive situations in an attempt to feel loved, i have several friends but still feel unreasonably unloved uncared for and alone, i don't live in a remotely supportive enviroment when it comes to emotional and mental stuff, i'm bad at sleeping which just adds to the burden, etc, etc, et fucking c....

i have things that make me happy. i've been thinking about getting a binder + packer (trans stuff to help dysphoria) which would make me happy to have those, because my body isn't really...right, what i imagine it as, it's not comfortable in that regard, my cat is still here and she cuddles me, sleeps up against me every time i do and her presense overall is nice to have, i can listen to passion pit which helps me cope so much, i talk to a friend pretty much every day which i like a lot, i know things that make me happy....but all my issues aren't going away by themselves. i don't know what to do. i don't really want a typical irl therapist, i don't want my family to know about all my issues, and i've heard with some therapists it's just they get you SO deep in your issues and then go 'oh, your time is up', i sure as hell wouldn't trust JUST me to try and fix all this, to make it all better...i don't know what to do. i have this weird-ass complicated fear of.. progress??? like i'll see things about recovery of self-harm and be like 'nyeeeeeghh i don't want to' just something about this idea of throwing it all away....but then i see things like 'studies suggest self-harm may actually benefit mental health or whatever' and i'm just like nOPERRINO AND CHEESE THAT'S TOXIC AF GOOOO AWAY THANKS. like i'm afraid of this whole dedication and commitment to getting better but at the same time wouldn't dare do NOTHING to try and help my issues.

...meh. i figure this'll be useful. i might enjoy reading it in the future. but right now, i'm hungry as crap, so i'll go focus on that. if you read all this you're hardcore. have a brownie or cookie or sushi or whatever you like.

i am not suicidal. sometimes i have sortof suicidal self-injury thoughts but i try to push them away as to not indulge in this horrible idea that suicide would make it better, it won't.

i forgot to mention that like...BECAUSE of my sickness i can't not focus on it, so even if i laid down with a song i like, mentally being kind to myself, that badness is still there. so i'm probably just gonna feel worse and cry...which would make me feel slightly better.... but not really cause i'm sick and it sucks.

i'm sad and gay and sick and also on my period but most importantly right now right now i am very very hungry so i will go do The Eating™. bai