Genuine ways to express Empathy and How Context can guide Empathy

Hi all.

Thank you everyone who attended. You all gave amazing answers and to those who wished to attend and those who missed a few questions I give you an overview below on the questions covered and answers to them and links too!

Overview

1. What is empathy and what is not empathy?

- Empathy is being able to walk into the shoes of a person. Affective empathy says imagine you have their/his/her feelings. Cognitive Empathy says imagine what it is like to be in the other person’s situation. Behavioral empathy says to take action to help others based on your understanding of what you feel intentions, actions and perceptions are. It’s about helping the person to be reflective. This can be done through Paraphrasing (e.g. to show the person they are being listened to give them your interpretation of what they have shared with you focusing on the key words), Summarizing (e.g. this can be done when the conversation is coming to a close and it’s the exact same process to show the person you are being attentive).

- Empathy is about conveying honesty. Be honest if there is something you do not understand about what someone has shared but soften your language. Words matter. It’s important we approach a conversation with humility. Appreciating that we don’t know everything! This humanizes us in front of others and makes others see us less threatening to open up to.

- Empathy is having curiosity: An individual will feel more obliged to be open if you show an interest in them and towards what they are feeling. Some people are quieter than others so need open-ended questions asked to them to challenge themselves to be more reflective.

- Empathy is about normalizing the experience: A person seeking support may feel weird or fear being judged if they open up. You need to make it come across like it’s ok to have insecurities. If you have went through what they have gone through you can speak about your experience as long as the attention is directed back at the speaker (e.g. As someone who has been unsure of their own sexuality in the past it’s normal to…..)

- Empathy is not sympathy: Nobody wants to feel pitied or patronised for what they are going through or feeling.

- Empathy is not invalidating others: When you undermine what has happened to someone this can leave them feeling upset, angry and refrain from opening up.

- Empathy is not rescuing someone: This is something we easily abide by and we don’t realise it at the time. Has someone ever said to you that they think they are ugly and you say “No you're not!” or “You're beautiful.” This is not walking along in their journey of their emotions. Rescuing someone creates toxic positivity. Empathy is not always about being nice as this may encourage an individual to repress what they truly feel which would amaze you! Have you ever asked someone “How are you?” then they said “Ok”, Did you believe them? The speaker wants to really see are you comfortable with not so sunny ideas and perceptions.

2. Write down as many words as you can which you associate with empathy.

Kindness, Acceptance, Genuineness, Softness, Emotions, Intuition, Reflective, Calmness, Humility, Lightness, Diplomacy, Assertiveness, Unbiased (e.g. you are not deciding beforehand whether or not you choose to convey empathy because the speaker has same or different opinions to you), Hope, Growth, Curiosity, Interest, Boundaries, Respect, Sharing, Openness, Freedom, Liberalism, Development,

3. Why at times can it be difficult to show empathy?

• Topic is too controversial for you (e.g. cheating, politics)

• Speaker shows hostility, aggression

• Cannot relate to the Speaker

• This thought of “I want to be right”, “I completely understand what’s going on”

• Online people are not thinking of the offline nuances (is your non-verbal communication matching your verbal communication when you type?)

• The speaker reminds you of someone that wronged you in the past.

4. Can you think of any statements to convey empathy? Any good or bad examples of empathy conveyed through language?

GOOD:

• “I can really hear you when you say/mention” (If you can relate)

• “Can I just check in here?” (If you want the speaker to pause and if you want to check your understanding with the speaker)

• “From what I understand…” (If you want to check understand with the speaker)

• “What would you like to get out of today’s session?” (This shows you are being humble and not demanding of the speaker)

• “Do you have any further questions or anything you want to explore?”(You can use this statement if a speaker is really reserved or when you are near the end of a chat or cannot think of what else to say).

• “It's all really open to interpretation. There is no right or wrong in how you think.” It would be good to explore your opinion - I don’t want to take any attention away from your experience (e.g. this can be used when the listener is constantly asking for advice or when they are reliant on your opinion).

• “It’s up to you whether or not you want to answer this question. Please protect yourself. I will respect your boundaries either way. No pressure.” (this statement can be used if the speaker is really reluctant)

• BAD

• “I was just being honest” (this conveys that you are unaffected that the speaker was hurt by what you said).

• “I don’t have time for this now. I’m busy.” (In some situations as a listener you may be lucky to get many requests and then feel overwhelmed. It’s important you soften your honesty with them as this way they will feel less under the impression that you may not want to talk to them)

• “If only you told me this earlier” (This is blaming the speaker and implying they are irresponsible for not conveying what they feel clearly or their needs. You need to be sensitive to the idea that some speakers live with Autism)

• “You should have left him/her when you had the chance” (This makes the speaker think about the “what if’s” and feel really regretful. As listeners we have no say in why the person is feeling vulnerable. This is important to take this into consideration when communicating with those in abusive relationships).

• “Be positive”, “Be yourself”

• “I’m saying this for your own good” (This is justifying your need to have control and be right)

• “I’m sorry if/but”, “There are two sides of the story”, “Ugh fine. I said sorry. Are you happy now?!”

There are example scenarios also in the Active Listening 1 training you can complete: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe-YdSN09jvrtUJVB-HExOKQ8DkEo9ZtvoWt98zSJpe3P9Mow/viewform

5. People can feel empathetic only if they can relate to others. True or false? Can you give your reasons?

False: We can feel disgusted by hearing stories about how a person was falsely accused even if we have never been framed before and we can feel disgusted at trauma experienced by someone although we don't identify.

6. If someone (a member) reminds you of someone that mistreated or wronged you what way will you show your empathy? Can you give an example?

This is a difficult question to answer and takes a lot more thinking than if someone is already giving you a good impression. The best way to approach communicating is assuming you know nothing and that as human beings we are imperfect. If feeling like you really will be emotionally reactive and triggered please recommend they chat with another listener. Take care of yourself!

7. How does empathy vary and show similarity online vs offline?

Similarities: Both involve the softening of language

Difference: If there is not enough context, messages can appear rude online compared to offline (body language and facial expressions can be observed even if not enough context is given in words)

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