Good moments 🌈

You have been doing such a great job in posting every day. It is really going to help turn things around for you I think.

I apologize that I haven't been posting. My good news is that I got a contract to teach next year. I am still working through all of the details emotionally (It would be really easy to just fall into anger and despair here over how I was treated, but I know that doing that destroys no one but me). I am focusing on gratitude. But the last few days have been beyond hectic.

For you, I am glad about the following: April is going quickly, you ate blackberries which are indeed pretty awesome, some good food and feeling a bit better physically, that teachers remember your name, that you had a good new year with new clothes, that your hair has been feeling good, that English continues to go well, that you are still seeing your friend some and enjoying each other's company, that you read your book (books can often put you to sleep more easily than technology), that you are talking to small children on the bus and enjoying being with them, that you survived the dentist appointment.

Wow that is so much good stuff. I can feel you slowly turning a corner. Your sleep is certainly not perfect but it isn't bad every night. You are doing this thing called life and surviving. I am very proud of you. 

19th april (saturday): my sleep last night was horrible and i was up at 5:30 am and overthinking and panicking. but i had a tiny good moment there. i sat up in my bed and could feel a cool breeze coming in through my little window. and there was a teeny bit of light in the sky which looked good. as i stayed awake for another half an hour or so, walking around my room, using the bathroom, occasionally checking 7 cups, i started hearing birds chirping, which is something i rarely get to hear because on school mornings i'm in a huge rush. after all that i eventually did go back to sleep this morning.

my mother woke me up at 8:30 am which is good because i was up till 2 am and was awake a lot in the middle of the night too. i think my mother has given up on my 8 am wakeup time because she knows that if she wakes me up at that time, i will complain a lot and be slow and lazy. so she's waking me up at 8:30 am every day on holidays/weekends.

i was feeling extremely sleepy and tired when i woke up, but somehow i pushed through the morning. @bestVase7265, your message was a bit of a good moment to read. and breakfast was a very weird, sticky sabudana khichdi but kinda fun to tear into pieces and eat (it was this one big piece all stuck together, and too sticky for me to cut with a spoon).

i somehow managed to do some basic cleaning on my room in 30 minutes after breakfast, and then i sat down to do homework at around 11 am. i emailed some stuff to my father because i needed print outs, and when he got home aroung 8 pm, he did bring them which is good because we haven't been talking and i wasn't sure if he'd do it. but yeah, i did some stuff this morning which i'm happy about. and there was this question i got stuck with so i googled it and got some answers that made no sense. and then something just struck me and i figured it out and it makes much more sense to me than what i found on google.

my mother has noticed some bedsheets gone missing and she told me to give them back if i had them. and i did. the good part is, she didn't ask me to explain why they were with me and why i was hiding them. i'm glad she didn't ask because i don't know how i could possibly explain it. i guess she knows why i did it though.

my shower today wasn't great but i got done with it in less than usual time and when i went looking for my mother, i stopped outside her bedroom door to find her so busy talking to herself. the door was open and i saw her (without stepping in) and when she saw me, it was a bit of an embarassing moment for her. we both started laughing and really laughed it off. of couse i didn't ask her to explain herself because i knowwhat she was doing. don't we all do it sometimes? i sure used to do it as a kid (don't do it much now), and i didn't like to be questioned about it if someone walked in on me talking to myself lol. just a funny moment today.

after lunch today i got extremely sleepy but knew i had to push through and do homework. and listening to some good music did wake up me enough for me to do something. not sure what to write about the rest of the afternoon and evening, except hearing back from a friend i was worried about, because my thoughts have been consuming me and i've just been so panicky for most of today.

my mother and i went out in the evening to go get some stationery, my meds, and after a lot of requesting, ice cream. i got a new lock for me locker because the old one stopped working well and i've since been using a not-so-great lock. this is a regular lock and not a number lock, meaning i will need a key, so i got to use the keychain my friend had given me for my 15th birthday. this sounds nice. and i did manage to have ice cream after dinner tonight, after a lot of, convincing. i really wanted it. 🍧🍨

lying in the dark for a bit in my room was good. it finally calmed me down a bit and made me sleepy. i had to push through a bit to type here and stuff, but i will sleep now because i have a lot to do tomorrow. i had trouble convincing myself to do to sleep because i feel like i haven't done enough, but i'm too sleepy to do it now, so i will sleep now and do it tomorrow when i am hopefully more awake. 😴

20th april (sunday): i'll type tomorrow, it's 12:28 am and i better pack my bag, get ready for bed and sleep now or tomorrow in school, i will die (not literally). i am utterly exhausted and have a 6 day school week ahead of me, wish me luck. i will share today's good moments tomorrow.

21st april (monday): lol i spent too much time typing yesterday, i'm too exhausted to type for today. will do this tomorrow hopefully. (keywords so i don't forget: english class, jokes, hair wash, hair fall, youtube, nap, cooler, sharing jokes with maa, crying crying crying, hide away, relatively early bed, adjust cooler, time slow)

looks like i've missed a lot of days again. i'm sleepy now, but hoping to do this tomorrow.

27th april (sunday): what a h3ll of a day. i'm supposed to write here but i don't know what the h3ll to write. but i have to write something.

fine, so i got permission to nap this morning. at least it helped with my headache. and my mother wan't mad about me "taking too long to get ready today morning" (i actually went back to sleep for a bit but she didn't find out).

and i washed my hair, that's supposed to be good, right? and my mother apologised after yelling at me. i'm glad she did, that's all i need. she's been yelling a lot though. but yeah, i had ice cream after lunch.

i found some nice stuff on youtube, it helped a bit. and not related to youtube, but i cried a lot today, which is good. like lots of crying, tears rolling all over my face, falling into my books, going into my mouth, my whole face feeling wet. crying helps a bit. and for a little bit this evening, i felt comforted.

i was laying in the dark for a bit and also was talking to someone and it was good in the beginning. and i finally heard back from a friend i've been missing a lot.

i got an ice pack to out on my stomach. it hurts, could be two possible reasons, i dunno which it is. ugh.

Your post is a fine length with lots of good things in it even though it was a rough day. I call that a huge success. You were able to recognize the ice cream, your mom's apology, cooler weather, some tears calming your brain, and getting to sneak in a little extra sleep. That is five or more good things!

You know that some days I struggle to even come up with one and really have to think. For me today it was getting the new plants in the ground and realizing that we mistakenly bought plant food instead of dirt yesterday. So all the plants got some unexpected fertilizer. Hopefully it will help them grow. Being without rain hasn't been good for them.

28th april (monday): spending the first 30 minutes of my day laying in bed hugging my pillow because i didn't wanna get up and go to school. it was kinda comforting though. especially since it was relatively cool at that time. and i managed to get ready on time even with hardly any sleep and getting up late.

somehow i was feeling quite fresh and clean for most of this morning. like yesterday's pain wasn't on my mind that much and i felt fresh mentally and physically. which is rare on less than 5 hours of sleep. gotta love days like this.

french was a free period and i got a bit of stuff done during that time. also hearing a classmate talk. the one who was once upon a time my bench partner and had an impact on me. i absolutely love hearing him talk.

our english teacher gave us a very tedious book report project today but she is pretty clear on what is expected, so that's nice. the rest is h3ll. this is wayyy too much work for 10 marks, i'd rather study for a 50 mark exam and write that. but she is trying to make life simple a bit.

laptop amd phone got taken away today but i did manage to get them back and it helped. i found a bit of comfort talking to someone who seems pretty kind. and listening to music. it helped. i badly need comfort and am trying to remind myself about some comforting stuff. it has been helping.

dinner was weird. in my mother's room in the dark because my father was cooking something and i couldnt eat in the kitchen where our dining table is. so i went to my mother's rokm because she said i could go there. i can't exactly explain it here but i liked it. and i had mishti doi, which i love.

i did one maths question at home today. that counts?

we had a little power cut an hour ago and it was totally dark all around. it was nice for a bit, i like darkness. normally power cuts aren't a problem for us because we have an ups but that's not functional now so it got problematic but the power came back quickly which is good.

i'm in bed now with my cooler which is keeping me alive and not a half dead and floating in a pool of sweat. thank goodness i have it. time to hug my pillow now, it is extremely late and i badly need sleep. i wonder if i should have skipped this thread today. 1:17 am.

19th april (tuesday): so my good moment for today would be making it to the bus on time despite getting up really late and not skipping my morning shower. it was very hurried, but i got to the bus on time which is good.

our pe class today didn't exactly happen. it was just timepass and i was just sitting. i like this because i really suck at pe and i just hate it. i'm glad the class didn't happen properly. and somehow i made it through maths and physics even when i'm so lost in class.

laptop wasn't taken away today when i got home from school, meaning i could use it after showering. this is obviously a good thing because i want cups and youtube. and music, which has been a good moment for me this evening.

it was nice hearing back from a friend at a time when i needed it. and being able to take meds for my period cramps helped me feel better, it really does help a lot.

i had ice cream after lunch and mishti doi after dinner. i really like them both. and also i had jowar bhakri for dinner, which is not something i have often. and they were pretty soft and nice. also, i ate quickly and my mother gave me dinner early too. and my father wasn't home today, which is good. i was all done with eating by 9 pm, meaning it increases my chances of going to bed earlier. it's 11:43 pm and i'll be going soon.