I am grateful to learn about oversharing and trauma dumping
One day after seeing a post on a subreddit, I offered to listen to a person with cancer, because for the things they shared they had grief, I felt like I could say something helpful.
I tried my best to not say anything insensitive. I don't have any experience with cancer so I was afraid to say the wrong thing. Just asked questions and whenever I felt like I could say anything supportive, I said. The person said they felt lighter after someone gave them space to talk, all they met before was people advising them.
Later I felt like I couldn't listen to them anymore. It's like I don't exist to them at all, and I'm there just to support them. I for some reason felt too tired to listen to them again. I only listened to them once more and gently told them that I feel isolated and can't provide support anymore. I expressed it to them before I got too angry at them and lashed out.
Today a new meditation popped up to me. It says, "Oversharing and Trauma Dumping". I read about it in the internet and it matches with what I've been feeling. It's nice to find a definition and words to express my feelings, I feel so much lighter. The words are- they were not considering how their words would affect me, if I had the capability. And they were not open to suggestions from me or anyone else, like the things they could make better themselves instead of dumping all on me.
This might be a reason many people can't sustain relationships. It's a useful thing to know. I might have dumped on other people before, but after gaining some significant experiences I realized that there is no such fulfilled person or destination from where someone could pull me out of my hollow. The person I was sharing everything with also was going through stuff and I wasn't considerate of them. I'm not sure if they felt I was trauma dumping, I wish they just let me know if I were. If they gently let me know instead of other people who made me feel unworthy and having less value for making a mistake.
So anyway, I'm grateful to learn about "oversharing and trauma dumping", it explains why sometimes I feel worn out by some sharers.
@seashell145 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns about being careful before offering to listen or help someone. It's an important aspect to consider, and I appreciate you emphasizing its significance.
@Mya000
This post was about this guy using me as a supply, he took me for granted. It was humiliating and violating, it would be humiliating and violating for anyone. If he didn't receive any support from me, he wouldn't want to use me as a supply. I would be just another person in the crowd who doesn't give him anything. You were not there how he talked which resulted in me feeling resentful, you don't know the details.
Cancer isn't the only trauma that exists and it's not separate from other hurtful human experiences. Traumatic experiences can help us understand each other and connect even if we don't have that same particular experience.
You don't know me, you never talked to me or received support from me to know if I approach situations thoughtfully or not. You are quite sure while commanding me "approach support with thoughtful consideration", as if I'm not a thoughtful person. How can you be so sure only after reading one post? This is really condescending.
This is a gratitude forum, I was expecting celebrating with other fellow humans like, "I'm so happy for you!" I was happy to finally understand my feelings, after being haunted by my inner critic for so long. And your comment tries to overwrite that understanding, "no that wasn't the reason I felt that way, I felt that way because I lacked the capabilities". Which is so hurtful, you don't even know me.
I think you misunderstood and wrote advice that doesn't apply.
@seashell145 I simply responded to the information you shared in your initial message. I don't possess the ability to infer the details that you haven't mentioned.
While cancer is not the only form of distress that exists, it remains incomparable to other types of trauma. Each experience is unique, with its own distinct characteristics. Our personal traumas do not automatically grant us an understanding of other people's traumas, especially if they differ from our own.
I can only know you based on the information you have provided. I didn't imply that you are not a thoughtful person, but rather that in the specific situation described, you might not have fully assessed your capacity to provide a listening ear to this person.
True support and active listening do not entail blindly endorsing and encouraging everything, instead, they involve sincerely listening and, if applicable, sharing one's knowledge on a subject that they are well-informed about.
I sincerely apologize if our conversation has caused any distress, it was never my intention, quite the opposite.
@Mya000
Note: One big point I want to highlight that must've been misunderstood. He had cancer, he was not currently a patient during our interaction.
Yes, I could see you wrote a really thoughtful post, well structured sentences and really good vocabulary. But you only focused on the only ambiguous part of my share, that is, I didn't have cancer, so that means I don't know anything about it. I wrote so many other things, I said I may have unknowingly overshared with other people. I even wished people told me before abandoning me that they reached their emotional capacity like I thoughtfully told him. I thought I was at fault. And you ignored all of that.
I am not a native English speaker. If something you don't understand or is ambiguous in my imperfect writing, you could ask me for more details. If something about my experience feels confusing to you, you could ask me questions. If you truly wanted to understand and support me, you would ask me questions about what what you don't understand.
I am a member. I deserve support.
Listeners guideline says listeners aren't supposed to advise.
I agree, cancer is incomparable, if I don't live in their experiences, I wouldn't know how it's like. My personal trauma doesn't entitle me to say, "I know everything". But that doesn't mean I wasn't capable, you can't make that judgment only based on "I didn't have cancer". You don't know the depth of my emotional capacity and it can't be shown like a paper certification, it can only be felt.
You don't know I had online friends with people with cancer. You don't know I read several posts made by cancer patients and actually tried to feel them. You don't know how much inspirations I received from them, and despite having cancer (in the past) how some of them loved me instead. I didn't receive support from people dealing with cancer during our interaction.
Again, if the information provided wasn't enough, you could've asked me if you truly wanted to understand and support me.
Another condescending paragraph teaching me about true listening capability with the assumption that I am not a good listener and don't have the knowledge. Mainly pointing out that in that case I wasn't a good listener, was just being a dummy. The first line in my post said, "I offered to listen to a person with cancer, because for the things they shared they had grief, I felt like I could say something helpful." I didn't assume I could give them well-informed answer about their situation, but I could provide them with empathy, and I had experiences with the things they shared. Listening takes empathy as well.
You won't find many people who say, "I'm afraid to say the wrong thing". Many people aren't this much thoughtful of other people's experiences that they themselves haven't gone through.
Anyway, I don't feel safe sharing here anymore, I have met with critical responses before. Nor do I feel encouraged to support other people.
You found one point in my post that has no concrete evidence and decided to teach me on that. Do you really want to support me or want to find flaws to attack me? You are really good at logic, I can tell that, but have you felt what I wrote? If you wanted to support me, wouldn't you understand after reading my post what I wanted to express? Or ask me question to better understand what was ambiguous instead of forcing your judgment on me? I was seeking support, not judging people.
Have you been thoughtful of your actions before replying, so that your triggers don't hurt me?
Have you assessed your capabilities before trying to support me?
Edited July 10, 2023
@seashell145
and the fact that your post mentioned something as awful as saying about the person “this is why people can’t sustain relationships”. That is a horrific statement to make about someone and black and white thinking of the population which is not true at all.
(Edited on 10th of July, 2023 to remove unsupportive and advice-giving statements)
@Coconut8001
Your comments are way off what I wrote, even simple details, like it wasn't on 7cups but on reddit.
I am a member, I'm allowed to seek support, I was sharing my experience and how the person treated me, it wasn't to tarnish him. I deserve support.
I didn't call them a narcissist.
I didn't say he wasn't allowed to ask for help, I said his behavior made me feel humiliated.
I didn't say that him sharing that he had cancer was oversharing. I was fully compassionate to him while I listened to him and when I reached my limit AND felt bad for how he treated me then I gently told him I can't do this anymore. I was thoughtful of my actions so it doesn't hurt another person because of my weakness or trigger.
"This is why people can't sustain relationships"- I guess I missed a word, like "many" people. I'm not a native speaker and sometimes I make grammatical and writing errors. Again, it was on a subreddit, on reddit. It wasn't on 7cups.
Do you really want to support me? If you wanted to support me, wouldn't you understand after reading my post what I wanted to express? Or ask me question to better understand what was ambiguous instead of forcing your judgment on me? I was seeking support, not judging people.
Edited July 10. 2023
Hey @seashell, I can relate to this...
I've been on both sides. I'm usually everyone's rock, the person who supports others when they're down or not feeling great.
I used to not share about my life, but when I did, people would tell me it's "too depressing" and to just basically go back to being "happy". (People usually describe me as "bubbly", "smiling", and "funny", they don't know what's behind that mask... I'm extremely depressed). I've been through homelessness, eviction, losing my car, having my little one taking away into temporary custody, was starving and couldn't afford food at some point, escaped a 3 year long abusive relationship, and I have no family, since they're also abusive...
It kind of hurts when people tell me to "lighten up, life will be better" or "Wow, you made me depressed hearing that". I'm learning to not over share or trauma dump anymore. I try to keep it to myself for that reason (unless online I suppose? Like places like this).
However... When others go through things, I sit and listen (like you did, very kind of you btw to provide support to that person
). Sometimes I offer advice, but I found out that some people find advice annoying(I do sometimes, I usually try to solve my problems on my own, and people give...advice that doesn't pertain to me), so I just let them vent. It's only frustrating when my friends keep ending up in bad situations over and over. So, I can also understand the flip side of getting frustrated from someone else's trauma dumping and them not doing anything to better their situation.
Anyways, thanks for sharing this post.
I honestly need to work on not over sharing anymore...
I also need to set boundaries on people who over share their life to me as well. It can be exhausting (depending on topic).
I'm just open. If someone asks, I'll bring it up my past, otherwise not really. I don't want to be defined by my PTSD or trauma anymore. I just want to live my life. I'm thinking of just keeping it quiet about my life for a while and just see where it goes.
Apologies for the rambling. Your post gave me something to think about.
@ImpudentIncognito
Impudent, I really like how thoughtful you are in your responses, and your writing is beautifully organised.
I'm really sorry you have to support most people but there are less people to support you.
What you went through is extremely painful and depressing, anyone would feel how you felt if they were in your situation. Your feelings are valid.
We have met in the positivity room, you shared some of your experiences, as I have said before, I'm really sorry you went through these experiences.
So the statements by your friends that you mentioned are really invalidating to your experiences and feelings. They aren't being helpful by saying that. From my experience, it feels like they are trying to run from feeling the pain when they hear what you are going through. So these aren't the proper responses, they won't solve or progress the situation, won't make you feel any lighter or supported. I learned about the validity of my emotions after being invalidated by my friends and family for years and now I can confidently say how I feel.
I understand why you would want to keep it to yourself.
Offering advice can be helpful if it's really going to move the situation forward, it has to be relevant. Sometimes we can use some proper information to understand our situation and then move forward. But if the advice doesn't move the situation forward, for example, if you share that you don't have a job and can't manage food, if someone advises you to just get a job, you would get frustrated. If you could manage a job then you won't be in this situation. During these helpless situations a listening ear can be a gift.
And you being frustrated about friends not improving their situation is also valid. If they only want you to make them feel better by offering a listening ear to them where they have the ability to make their situation better, then it's normal to feel frustrated and feel like they are using you (for the lack of a better term). And not doing anything to make the situation better, where they have the ability to do so, this can be frustrating.
I appreciate you wanting to set boundaries on people who overshares with you. You really need to protect your energy if other people aren't respectful.
And about you oversharing, I'm not sure if you do that, hope you're not being hard on yourself. I often feel anxious while trying to share with people, I wonder if the other person would get annoyed or if I'm taking advantage of them. Because of being abandoned in the past. So if you're in doubt about oversharing with people, I guess you could ask them, "Are you capable of listening to me right now? Do you have the emotional energy?". I guess it's best if the other person gently tells you if they run out of energy instead of you having to worry all the time.
If someone offers to listen to you, you can share with them without worry. If they abandon you without telling you why, it hurts but it's their problem.
As you said, "If someone asks, I'll bring it up my past, otherwise not really", I support this. I really appreciate you wanting to not be defined by your trauma, hope you can be kind to yourself if your past memories bring you pain. Hope you can acknowledge you have been hurt and that it's okay to love yourself during those moments. I need to remind myself that too.
I didn't mind your post, it was helpful for me. I find your approach inspiring. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad my post made you think.
@WendinCaring
I guess you meant "sharing" instead of "shaming"? Haha.
I like what you said, "Only a self reflective mind benefits from the moments of tables got turned". I've seen many people who treated me bad out of ignorance, then when the same thing happened to them, they couldn't understand that this is how I felt. I guess they don't really think how other people think. Sending you lots of love and warmth. <3
@seashell145 sorry I mean "sharing" not shaming. My Kindle Fire auto-corrected me for an unknown reason.
@WendinCaring
No problem, it's nice to hear you are using kindle fire to browse this site.
I found this quite interesting thanks for sharing abd it's normal to feel this way
@ToffeeNugget2009
Thank you for validating my feelings Toffee! I really appreciate it. Also I'm glad you found this post helpful, sending you lots of love, warmth and ease during the days <3