What's On Your Mind?

4sure i die at age 40. everything is so predictable i know how everything is going to turn out.

my brain is ruined beyond repair im a bloodied spattered trainwreck stagnant irrelevant i will never make it in this life ineedmiracle y did my family have 2 live n california the impossible state where i will never make it icantfix my life idont know how i will ever crawl out of this hole idontthink i can succeed at life i got no clue how things could get better. pity the world is governed by chance. dont have energy the motivation the belief in hope to stay afloat. im floundering praying without a clue all is dark there is no horizon just drowning in my muffled screams. nothing will ever get better. there'snosuchthingastomorrow it's all the same day here. pity the world is governed by blind randomness and chance.

imameaningless accident. i nevershouldve been. loneliness has killed me ripped me apart. first time i talking about ending my life was at age 11.

y am i still here. my life is a total waste.

needmiracle. o Lord hear my prayer. i need help. ican swim no further in this bottomless quicksand. can breathe no further in this chemical cloud of hot poison miasma. life sucked out of me. no colors left. no pulse. flatlining. lifeless. marooned. exiled. buried. finished.

everything goes into your account as reward if the unexpected impossible miracle happens and overturns the paradigm of suffocating sterile permanent solitude. shall these bones live. shall these bones live.

no im already dead inside the coffin of my dried out corpse choked on the glass-broken heart.

OVERDOSED ON HEARTBREAK I AM SHATTERED. QUARTERED BLED OUT ON THE TABLE ETHERIZED PLEASE EUTHANIZEME VAPORIZE ME. let me vanish into the void where there is no more pain. IM A PATHETIC PIECE OF TRASH. IM SO STUPID. OF COURSE THEY ALWAYS REJECT ME AND SEE ME AS WORTHLESS AND PATHETIC. EVERYTHING IS PREDICTABLE. IM BRAINDAMAGED.

i am wasted away

on the rotten red corpse highway

withering

wadded up

in a welter of hectic blood red

a slaughterhouse

piled up with the mountainous wreckage

of all my dried red bones

till i am whited out

erased

from this nameless place

theres no other way out

a million million million miles

of infinite red pain

shed and outspread

along the endless aimless one way lane

i am a dying fountain of blood red

crying out the acid rain

of perpetual pain

miles and miles of pain

splattered inkblotted indecipherable

all the cyanide tears of red

i am raving half dead

half asleep

100% raving rabidly insane

I'M A CORPSE ROTTING IN THIS DISEASED HUSK OF NONSTOP EMPTINESS SADNESS LONELINESS DEJECTION DEPRESSION DULLED ME OUT OF LIFE IWANTSOMUCH WHAT I CAN NEVER HAVE. I HAAAAATE EVERYTHING I HAAAAAAATE THIS WORLD I HAAAAAAAAATEMY LIFE ABORTMEeuthanizeME THEIR INFLEXIBLE SILENT REJECTION HURTS ME I AM ALWAYS SEEN AS UNATTRACTIVE UNDESIRABLE NONE OF MY GOOD QUALITIES MATTER. IWASBORNTOSUFFER.to starve from this futile aching desire forever unsatisfied unfed stuffed with pain unfettered never feeling that one thing i have wished prayed cried and died inside out for nothing to lookforwardto imgood4nothing. NOTHINGCHANGES NOTHING WILLEVERGETBETTER I KNOWEXACTLYHOWTHISISGONNA TURN OUT NOTHINGTO LOOK4WARD TO XCEPT THE SCYTHE OF THE GRIM REAPER SCRATCH ME OUT ERASE ME IAMNOTHING IAM4EVERUNLOVED STUCK. IM SUCHAFAILURE. BROKEN. TWOULD B A BLESSING TO FALL ASLEEP AND SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY SLEEPING. LET MY HEART SLEEP. LET ALL ITS ANGUISH VANISH AND GO FOREVER SILENCE. HIT THE ULTIMATESNOOZEBUTTON. NO NEED TO SET THE ALARM. ZZZZZZZZZZ. ready to crash. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How frequently I need to reevaluate what I'm doing. Am I happy? Am I where I want to be? If I feel that I need to take a step backwards, why?

I am feeling bored and hungry. I am so ready to get out of here.

Thinking about the upcoming week

Being a better parent and making up for what I can while being a better child to my own parent before it