4 years today
4 years today I lost my mum to Pulmonary Fibrosis. Aged 63. My life has been drifting since she's gone. I haven't been able to focus on getting out of depression. I can't even decide on how to live life. I was her carer but before she had died I spent 10 hours alone with her in the hospice. My sister's came at 3.30am I tried to sleep on the sofa and woke up and my sister took me home. I was to exhausted to argue and as my other stayed I thought it's okay mums not alone. As we got home I remember being in the kitchen thinking I want a glass of cold milk and then I'll sleep. I went upstairs and my sister called me in the living room she told me she just got a call and mum just took her last breath. She started crying and hugged me, I froze I wanted to scream and cry. But my thought was I can't scream I'll scare the kids (my sisters) are sleeping upstairs I don't want to scare them or wake them up. I lost my voice I hardly spoke to anyone. I lost the one person whose love kept me alive. The one person that really matters to me. The one person that I felt had me. The one person whose last wishes I couldn't do because I was emotionally paralysed. Thankfully my older sister stepped up and sorted the funeral and did the last rituals. How I wish I had the strength after running mindlessly for weeks trying to sort care for my mum at home and being her support. I lost everything in one moment. Everything was surreal people talking etc. Even when I went to hospice to do her threading I was so scared I wanted to react I had tears in my eyes but I couldn't understand why she's gone. She's left and now I don't know what I'm going to do. The last 4 years - 1 month after her passing I found a job near to my sister's moved 4 hours away from my home town. Thought maybe I will have a better relationship with my sisters.
This wasn't the case. I lived with my elderest sister and it was not easy. We never really had a good relationship. She would blame my mum for dumping me on her when she was a child. She resented the close relationship I had with mum. She would tell me how bad things were for her by our parents both are deceased. I would listen but if I would say anything positive or my experience I would get shutdown. I really struggled to grieve. The relationship I thought we might have was not the case. I threw myself into working but I was on autopilot. I was living a life that didn't feel natural just forced. I really struggled I would listen to my sister's opinions and she would want me to be helpful which I was mostly without thinking. I felt like I was robot. I couldn't share my feelings with anyone because no one really saw me. Today I'm just exhausted and depressed I can't move myself to be better anymore. I just exist broken praying God will show me why I'm here and she's not. I wish I was gone and she was here to enjoy her retirement she deserved it. I don't have a place here. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I'm living in this sadness and I just don't know what I want to do. When my mum would say when she dies I would say I'll disappear away from pretending relationships that were only so fickle and 2 faced. I couldn't keep up appearances after she's gone.
@sociableBirch35
My heart truly aches for you after reading this. The pain in your words is so clear, and it makes complete sense that you feel lost and exhausted. Losing your mum, especially after being her dedicated carer and sharing those final, traumatic hours, is an unimaginable loss. It's not just losing a person; it's losing your anchor, your source of love, and your reason for being.
It's completely understandable that you couldn't scream or cry in that moment. Sometimes, the shock and pain are so overwhelming that our feelings just freeze. There is no "right" way to grieve, and your reaction was a valid response to an incredibly traumatic loss. Holding everything in to protect your family shows how much you cared, even in your own deepest pain.
The hope for a new beginning with your sisters, only to be met with resentment and misunderstanding, sounds so isolating. To have your own grief silenced and to feel like a robot just surviving must be incredibly draining. You have been carrying this weight for four long years without a safe space to just be you and mourn.
I hear you when you say you're just existing, broken. Thank you for not pretending to be okay.(thank you for your trust)
I have a question for you, only if you feel like sharing: What is one small, cherished memory of your mum's love that still feels warm to you?
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm at a stage now that I suffer from Fibromyalgia as I have collected trauma by internalising since being a teenager and sharing carer duties with my mum caring for my dad whose wasn't the easiest person.
To answer your question the one thing I miss everyday is the daily morning hug I would give my mum every morning. It was a ritual I did purely out of love and safety. This action would ground me with my mum. Not having this has broken me emotionally.
I'm away from people that would have comforted me knowing my mum and me. Im in a place were strangers are comforting but family just destabilises me and I'm holding on as due to my health I'm safer here to receiving help from the NHS services if I return to my home town I will be waiting for support which will destroy me further into myself.
Thankfully I'm taking the time to work through my issues and I'm trying to build myself to be healthy and stable to make my decisions to live with confidence and respect.
@sociableBirch35
Thank you for trusting me with this. Your description of the morning hugs with your mum is so powerful. That ritual of pure love and safety is something profoundly beautiful to miss, and it makes absolute sense that losing that daily grounding has left you feeling emotionally broken. That wasn't just a hug; it was an anchor.
It sounds incredibly lonely to be away from those who knew that unique bond you shared, even if you are making the wise, self-preserving choice to stay where you have access to care. Acknowledging that family destabilizes you while strangers offer comfort is a huge and painful insight. You are making incredibly difficult choices to protect your health, and that takes immense strength.
It is truly hopeful to hear you are taking this time to work through everything and build a foundation of health and stability for yourself. You are fighting for a future where you can live with confidence and respect, and that is admirable.
As you work on building this new, stable foundation for yourself, what is one small thing that helps you feel a sense of safety or grounding now, even if it's just for a moment?
@sociableBirch35
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and the complicated grief you have been dealing with since. My mom, who was my best friend and my reason for everything, passed away last year in the burn unit. And following that, I faced a lot of oppression from my family. I understand that it is hard to find new ways of living. It is okay not to be okay, and I admire your ability to acknowledge that about yourself. It speaks to your inner strength that you have gotten yourself this far. The death of a loved one and the journey of grief resulting from it are challenging since reality has to be reconstructed. I am glad you found this forum community and shared with us the truth of what you are going through... What you are living through...If you need someone to talk to, my door is open; you're welcome to PM me. I also have some resources I could share that might help. You are not alone. Peace be with you.
