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sociableBirch35
1 1,778 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts144 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes75 Current upvotes75 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 7, 2015
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PTSD and fibromyalgia
Trauma Support / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 March 9th
...See more My mind is turning into mush. I have lost the mental capacity to want to do anything in my life. I haven't worked in over a year. I don't like going outside. I have been through a abusive relationship and I was raped by an ex. I never thought he would have done this and he denies doing anything wrong. I have lost both my parents to illnesses and death. I'm 37 F and I just feel like I'm existing but not interested in living. I trust going out as I feel stressed and fatigued. I'm not close to family and my friends are few and far. Ive distanced myself from everyone as I get overwhelmed. Honestly I don't know what to do anymore.
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36 and no idea what to do?
35 & Over Community / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 October 22nd, 2025
...See more I'm 36, I have fibromyalgia, lupus, PTSD, lost my parents and I've lost my way in life. I'm depressed and isolated. I am awaiting ADHD referral and I'm struggling with living life. I'm not sure where I belong and what to do anymore with myself. I have no one close to me. All I want is to find peace. I don't know where home is anymore. I'm want to find meaning, love and cause. I'm exhausted inside and wish I had motivation to be better for myself but I just don't know anymore. Depression is tough as I just want to happy and relaxed. Stress gives me pain. I get frustrated at myself alot and just want to snap out of it. Family is not something I feel close to share any vulnerability with. Friends I don't want to burden with my depressed self and I'm hardly in contact much. I feel like I'm living in a weird world were I can't feel normal or strong. I'm only existing to hope I have a purpose that gives me new meaning.
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I'm stuck in depression and hopelessness
Work & Career / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 October 31st, 2025
...See more I've been unemployed for about a year. Im 36 and I haven't had a career or ambition. Ive worked for most of my life while studying and now I'm just tired and unable to make any choices to working or studying. I'm just floating here. Both my parents are no more and I always thought I would be able to.make them proud of me. I'm not one to boast about myself. I've never wanted to be famous but I do want to.mke a difference. I have always found volunteering rewarding and comforting. I'm working on this part of me to help my self esteem and confidence. I'm finding the point of any job just exhausting and not interesting from a passionate perspective. I want to give myself to a cause but I'm in doubt of myself and capabilities. I don't want be rich but Im just looking for peace and calm.
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I'm messed up 😞
Trauma Support / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 October 22nd, 2025
...See more I've been rape and engaged in risky situations sexually. I know it's not what I want. But anxiety and judgement makes my head spin. I want love and connection but I struggle to believe it. I often shutdown when I have feelings or when I'm in a triggered situation. I want to be able to speak honestly and trust but I often struggle to be vulnerable and instead internalise me rejecting my own feelings. I wish I could be normal and free to be involved in self love and accepting others loving me. Im writing this to gain perspectives and hope that I'm not alone to feel this way. I've been in relationships that I felt deeply for my partner but I handle being hurt without self sabotaging things by allowing myself to cheat.
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4 years today
Grief & Loss / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 October 6th, 2025
...See more 4 years today I lost my mum to Pulmonary Fibrosis. Aged 63. My life has been drifting since she's gone. I haven't been able to focus on getting out of depression. I can't even decide on how to live life. I was her carer but before she had died I spent 10 hours alone with her in the hospice. My sister's came at 3.30am I tried to sleep on the sofa and woke up and my sister took me home. I was to exhausted to argue and as my other stayed I thought it's okay mums not alone. As we got home I remember being in the kitchen thinking I want a glass of cold milk and then I'll sleep. I went upstairs and my sister called me in the living room she told me she just got a call and mum just took her last breath. She started crying and hugged me, I froze I wanted to scream and cry. But my thought was I can't scream I'll scare the kids (my sisters) are sleeping upstairs I don't want to scare them or wake them up. I lost my voice I hardly spoke to anyone. I lost the one person whose love kept me alive. The one person that really matters to me. The one person that I felt had me. The one person whose last wishes I couldn't do because I was emotionally paralysed. Thankfully my older sister stepped up and sorted the funeral and did the last rituals. How I wish I had the strength after running mindlessly for weeks trying to sort care for my mum at home and being her support. I lost everything in one moment. Everything was surreal people talking etc. Even when I went to hospice to do her threading I was so scared I wanted to react I had tears in my eyes but I couldn't understand why she's gone. She's left and now I don't know what I'm going to do. The last 4 years - 1 month after her passing I found a job near to my sister's moved 4 hours away from my home town. Thought maybe I will have a better relationship with my sisters. This wasn't the case. I lived with my elderest sister and it was not easy. We never really had a good relationship. She would blame my mum for dumping me on her when she was a child. She resented the close relationship I had with mum. She would tell me how bad things were for her by our parents both are deceased. I would listen but if I would say anything positive or my experience I would get shutdown. I really struggled to grieve. The relationship I thought we might have was not the case. I threw myself into working but I was on autopilot. I was living a life that didn't feel natural just forced. I really struggled I would listen to my sister's opinions and she would want me to be helpful which I was mostly without thinking. I felt like I was robot. I couldn't share my feelings with anyone because no one really saw me. Today I'm just exhausted and depressed I can't move myself to be better anymore. I just exist broken praying God will show me why I'm here and she's not. I wish I was gone and she was here to enjoy her retirement she deserved it. I don't have a place here. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I'm living in this sadness and I just don't know what I want to do. When my mum would say when she dies I would say I'll disappear away from pretending relationships that were only so fickle and 2 faced. I couldn't keep up appearances after she's gone.
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No Direction and I'm exhausted.
35 & Over Community / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 May 24th, 2025
...See more I'll just get straight to point I'm 36, single and I'm at a point where I'm just drifting. I can't find anything that I want enough to do anything about it. I've been through a range of life killing times but I'm still here. Lost both my parents to illnesses and lack of parents taking responsibility for their own. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally from everything. I'm tired of people, drama, confrontation and being positive when the world is freaking me out into anxiety. I have health conditions that are always playing on my mind. Relationships these days just doesn't make sense. I've become numb and it's like Im giving up. I eat once a day my sleep is that I'm awake in the night and I sleep through the morning. I don't like talking as I feel like I'm fake in being interested. I use to be a people pleaser but now I'm not trying to push myself. I spend everyday alone I don't want go out or meet people.
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Depressed, lost & seeking a mum figure for guidance
35 & Over Community / by sociableBirch35
Last post
 December 20th, 2024
...See more Im trying to figure out what my purpose is after both my parents have died. I feel like I need a mother figure as I can't figure anything out. I have Depression, fibromyalgia, lupus and PCOS, I don't have any kids, pets or partner. I have 2 sisters near by one is divorced with 2 teenage boys that I love. She cares but out relationship is overwhelming as I get PTSD when she talks about our parents in a negative way. I have distanced myself as I find I'm anxious when I am alone with her. My other sister is very busy with two young kids and a husband who works away i struggle to open up as we never can have a moment to talk. I'm 35 and I've been through bullying and abuse. I'm now struggling with how to live as my body is in pain and I'm not able to think confidently about what I want and how to make it happen. I feel stuck and hopeless. I want to help people but I'm afraid to feel things. I don't know where I belong. I wish I could find a healthy mother figure or father figure to guide me as all I want is to feel safe and secure.
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