Advice

Hi, my name is Lucy. I'm struggling with the loss of my triplet brother. We were 5 at the time, and I found him late at night dead, and we drove to the hospital and tried to revive him but he ended up passing. I get nightmares about it, especially this time of year because he died June 11th, 2013. I know where he is buried, and I feel like I never got to say goodbye because I was so young and I didn't understand what was happening. I want to bring flowers to his grave and visit him, I guess. But the last time I was there it was the funeral. I tried asking my parents a couple of years ago if I could visit him, but they told me if I ever want to, I shouldn't, and we can bring flowers home and I can pretend is like visiting him, but that isn't the same. Now I'm wondering should I ask them or not? And what should I do if they tell me it isn't a good idea? I get why they're worried, about the trauma response and all, but this is something I haven't gotten to do in 12 years and I don't feel it's fair keeping me from my brother.