After Effects of Grieving

With recent losses last July 2024 and December 2024, for the first two months I felt my brain had shutdown. The first month and a half (Aug. to mid-Sept), all I felt was sadness. Then, when I started seeing a counsellor for grief and attended a group support (that lasted for 3 months), I still felt my brain was not working normally. The sadness was no longer on the surface, but hidden somewhere. It actually seemed like I lost all my feelings and my mind was often blank. This is how I explained it to my counsellor, "I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, and my mind is blank. Either blank, or that it has so many complex emotions, that I cannot pinpoint what's what anymore."

Since I couldn't function, I took a leave from work. So, I was going through counselling, support groups, and monthly check-ins with my GP for the past 6 months. I'm finally returning to work now, but on a Gradual Return to Work program. I finished 2 weeks of 4 hour shifts (twice a week), and this week, I'm moving on to 6 hour shifts for two days.

Up until this day, I still feel my brain is not processing things the way it used to.. I'm not sure if it's a temporary after effect, or it will be a permanent change.. I'm struggling with short-term memory, and last week at work, when someone asked me a question, I couldn't process what was being asked. I ended up saying that I didn't know, as I haven't been working much. But, when I heard that person asking someone else the same question as they kept walking down the hallway, it wasn't until then, I realized what was being asked. It was clearly something I should've known, but at that moment when I was asked, I felt my mind went blank.

Does anyone get these problems after grieving for your losses? My GP says that my loss had became an emotional shock to me, so it resulted in my brain to shutdown, and after feeling sadness for one and half months, it decides to shutdown further, almost like a self-defence mechanism, where subconsciously, my body does not want it to be hurting anymore. So, it might as well, shutdown all emotions. I feel that this emotional shock has altered my brain in ways of how it process things. So, right now, it's taking longer to process questions being asked to me, and with the short-term memory, when I'm given a list of tasks to do, I either need to ask the person again to confirm, or I end up forgetting it.. but these tasks, these are things I'm suppose to be doing for my job.. it's the normal duties that I did before my grief.. but with the slow processing, I feel like I'm stepping into a somewhat new job.. there's some familiarities, I think, it's based on muscle memory.. but at the same time, I feel like with my absence of the past 6 months, it seems like I'm stepping into a new environment altogether.. 

Let's just say, I'm not looking forward to these 6 hours shifts.. earlier, when I worked the 4 hours shifts (4pm-8pm), the staff that was left at work was like a quarter of the amount of staff in the morning. Working 6 hour shifts, means I'm starting at 2pm, which means the maximum amount of staff will be there. I'm just afraid that my brain will be overstimulated. Luckily, as I'm on this Gradual Return to Work program, I'm allowed to take as many micro-breaks as needed. And if things get out of hand.. like, if my brain is overstimulated and it causes other problems.. I can request to leave earlier, but I'll just need to report it to my Case Manager. 

I feel that I'm not able to multi-task the way I used to.. Maybe it does take time to get used to working again, after being away for 6 months.. but with my work, mistakes cannot really be made, and tasks cannot be not completed by the end of each shift, in preparation for the next day. I feel that is the normal expectation from others of me.. So, returning to work, and be able to function the same way as I used to.. I really don't know how long it would take me to readjust and return to my old self. Or has this grief permanently altered my brain?

Does anyone also came across these problems? How did you deal with it?