A little bit of crazy in grief.
TW.
My husband died 9 months ago.
Most likely by suicide. But I'll never know for sure.
There are many times when I don't recognise myself.
When I do seriously crazy ***.
I hope its the grief.
But quite often I'm afraid I'm losing my mind.
Today my dog hesitated to come when called.
I lost my ***.
I was furious with her for being scared of me.
Guess what, it made her more scared, and me more furious.
She ran away from me. Away out into the rain.
Then it hit me.
I'm a cruel horrible person.
My husband killed himself because he couldn't stand to live with me anymore.
I was bullied at school because I was unlikeable.
My parents labelled me the difficult one, because I was unlovable.
And now my dog can't stand to be with me.
I'm tired of trying to be good.
Tired of trying to believe I'm good.
I'm tired of trying to fight this self negativity.
I didn't ask for it.
What do I do?
No one can help me.
No one can convince me I'm not horrid.
Because people who know me for years (parents, classmates, husband, dog) all conclude I'm horrid.
What do I do?
I feel like I'm wearing family and friends out with this negativity.
I feel like I'm getting worse.
Do I or don't I want them to know that.
A&E?
Yep, someone to talk to who won't be affected by this ***.
Car key, open house door. Still no sign of dog.
Open car, dog appears, hesitates, I reach for patience in desperation and she slinks the car.
Result.
Bit of relief she's not gone forever.
I can just ignore her in the back, while I sort myself.
Start car.
It's that song on the radio.
That song we all have that means something.
I crank the volume way higher than I ever have before and bawl.
And drive to A&E bawling in the pouring rain.
And stop 2 streets away.
What am I doing?
I'm OK. I'm just grieving.
I got a bit hungry. A bit lonely. A bit impatient. A whole lot catastrophic.
I'm going home now.
For a toasted cheese sandwich.
The people driving past have no idea what just happened.
Tomorrow I will go to work. Tomorrow I will speak with friends and family.
No one will know what just happened.
Can people who haven't experienced such pain understand these crazy moments?
I share this in the hope that it might help someone else experiencing a little bit of crazy in grief.
We're OK.
@Clio9876
My condolences for the loss of your husband.
Waves of emotions are normal, but when the lows are that extreme getting help is probably best.
You don't have to wait for the next wave to hit, you can get things in place ahead of time to help ride it out, soften it a bit.
I had so many moments like this when my grief was fresh, and when I was just having a bad grief moment. When it happens, I often feel like I'm in a bubble and the only thing I am surrounded by is my internal chaos becoming external. I promise, you're not alone.
Today I received a letter from my doctor, inviting me to a cholesterol clinic.
Today I ate a toasted cheese sandwich.
Do I need to learn where my cholesterol is coming from?
Do I worry about what I eat, in the hope that it might prolong my health in the future? Or do I just eat something, so I don't end up in A&E?
Sometimes the help someone tries to give just isn't helpful.