Anticipatory Grief and Preparing to Lose a Loved One

When my father's health started declining. For the last couple years of his life he was in and out of the hospital. Except I was living in another state at the time so it wasn't easy to be able to visit. He wasn't alone though, there was other family members that lived close by.

I got upset cried several times over those years knowing what was going to eventually happen, but not knowing when it would. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my mother and brother to see his health decline right in front of them.

I don't know if there's much advice I can give except if you need to talk and reach out to someone then do that with whoever your comfortable enough with. If you need to tell someone at work you probably should so they are aware. Be easy on yourself and don't start blaming yourself for anything. You cannot control what is happening here. Take care of yourself. Even when you don't feel like it you still need to eat, drink water, sleep, etc.

I just lost my dad last week, and I felt the same way as you described while he was at the end. Now, I just feel really lost. I also felt terribly conflicted because he was an Alzheimer's patient on hospice, and I was his power of attorney. I did not know if I should have broken protocol and sent my dad to the hospital for fluids. He stopped eating and drinking and he was unresponsive for an entire week. I cried every day. How can I just let him die? But, the hospice nurse did tell me that it was a process of death. I think what you are feeling is completely normal, and it may be difficult to move forward without going through these feelings for awhile.

@froggbones

Welcome and thanks for sharing with us. I went through something similar with my partner 5 years ago, including his experience with sepsis, which as you probably are learning, is a very serious situation. I'm glad for your sake that hospice was started in a timely manner, to afford him the opportunity for peaceful care until the end. That wasn't the case for us, and my experience has made me very sensitive toward people who are facing this situation, as we were badly failed by many professionals.

I once thought hospice was a place you went to, and in many cases it is, but sometimes it happens in a hospital. I know from our experience, in the days leading up the need to go to intensive care, and then sitting by his beside for the hours that we had left, that people who are actively dying refuse food, and sometimes even water. Dying takes a lot of energy, and the person's body doesn't want that added energy expenditure of digestion. But they are aware of us, and as you say, "I hold his hand and he squeezes so tight like he doesn’t want to let go." He may not be able to speak but he is telling you he loves you and that he doesn't want you to worry or be afraid.

You also said, "I just don’t know how to handle what im feeling right now. I don’t know how to get on with my life and pretend this isn’t happening." You're allowed to feel everything you feel, and I don't think anyone reasonably expects you to get on with life or pretend anything but what is happening: the loss of someone important to you. Let the feelings come, whatever they are. They will pass over you like a giant wave, and they will recede, only to come again later. Let them. It's the best way to handle the intensity, I've found.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself during this time. Be sure to drink water, especially if you find yourself crying because your body needs to replenish fluids. It's a trying and difficult time, so self-care is important even as your complete focus is on him and the funeral preparations and so on.

I am wishing you peace in the days ahead.

Thank you to everyone who responded here. You really helped me get through the week. My grandfather passed away today, and he went peacefully and is no longer suffering. It’s gonna take a while to process, but my family is very strong. Again, thank you all.