Either they ghosted me... or they're dead

@bestBanana7981

I hear you. I really do. And I want you to know that you are not alone in this, even though it might feel that way right now. What you’re going through is heartbreaking losing people who felt like home, without any closure, without knowing why it’s the kind of loss that lingers in the worst ways. The uncertainty, the not knowing, it’s like an open wound that won’t heal because your mind keeps searching for answers that might never come.  

It makes complete sense that your emotions are all over the place. Some days grief feels unbearable, other days hope creeps in, and in between, there’s that gnawing anxiety, that feeling of losing your grip on reality. That’s not you being irrational that’s just what love and loss do to us.  

I can’t tell you what happened, and I wish I could take away the pain, but what I can tell you is that your feelings are valid. Your love for them was real, and just because they’re gone wherever they are that love doesn’t just disappear. It mattered. It still matters.  

I hope, with time, the pain becomes softer. I hope you find ways to honor the love and connection you shared, even without answers. And I hope you remind yourself that you are not alone. You deserve support, kindness, and people who will sit with you in this grief, even if all they can do is listen.  

I’m here, reading this, hearing you, and holding space for you. You are not alone.

So today would've been our 6th anniversary. But the day's almost over and of course they're still gone... and I suppose you can't have an anniversary with a nonexistent person. Celebrating 6 years of a friendship can only work if the friendship's still alive. 

I've been scared of this day. But it didn't hit me as hard as I was afraid it would. I suppose that's because it hasn't been the first time. So now, for once, I was prepared. I was sure no one would text me.

Not getting any message for Christmas or New Year's or Valentine's hit me much harder... cause I didn't really see it coming. It used to be completely normal we'd send each other something... nothing super big, just a personalessage or some cute gif... just to show we appreciate the other. Especially Valentine's hit me hard. Cause where they live it's like a "general appreciation day" I guess... not only for lovers, not just a romantic thing... but you'd send a little something to everyone you care about, no matter if it's a family member, a friend or your bf / gf... it's about love in general. So it hurt super bad to not hear anything from them that day.

I guess Valentine's also was the day I started believing this might be something really serious. Back when they didn't text me for Christmas or New Year's, I was mainly angry, I felt hurt and rejected... I was wondering why they're ignoring me, if I suddenly don't mean anything to them anymore. I mean, I can't really imagine what it's like to have a Burnout or severe depression and whatever other serious mental and physical symptoms, so maybe it wasn't fair to be angry. But back then I really felt like... no matter what they're suffering from right now, that's no valid reason to make me feel like they literally couldn't care less about me. Were friends anyway and it's just no reason to forget about me. So yeah... I guess I was hurting in a different way back then, I was mad at them for doing this to me.

But after Valentine's, the actual real grief set in. Because in a way this is getting too big and it's been lasting too long so I could keep believing... they're "just too busy with their own bs" to notice I still exist. I can't imagine they'd go THIS far with it. Like we've been real close for years, we've been through all sorts of drama together and nothing could tear us apart, we'd always find a way to make it through, our bond was ALWAYS stronger than all the bs the universe threw at us. And I refuse to believe that after all that, with everything that connects us... they would just decide I don't matter to them anymore and their life consists of more important stuff than me. I do believe humans are capable of everything but... they were not two of those "untrustworthy average humans", they were special, all three of us were, our bond was. And I just don't wanna believe they could just drop me like in fact I don't mean a thing to them.

So after Valentine's, things turned to a different direction. I still can't grasp the whole extent of it all.

It's like we used to be some kind of solar system, a weird one with a weird gravity, cause it's hard to tell who actually was the sun. Sometimes there was one sun and two planets circling around it, sometimes there were two suns and one planet. One of my friends almost never was the sun cause he was very used to and very good at keeping everything bottled up. So I guess most of the time either my other friend, or me, or both him and me were the sun.

But now there's no sun and no planets in my life anymore. I'm the one tiny planet that's left, drifting aimlessly through the universe... and it's a real huge, empty, cold, black space and I dunno where I'm going and why. <3

I wrote this about a month ago... poetry, apparently... 😅🫣

I never thought this would ever be

My reality

That this could happen eventually 

The both of you leaving me, simultaneously 

I'm fighting to keep my sanity 

I lost all my stability

No chance to ever fill the gap

All I want is for you to come back

All I want is to know you're there

All I want is to know you care

And there are topics we can share

But I can't make you wanna reconnect

I can't make you wanna interact 

I can't make you wanna stay friends

It's not a decision placed in my hands

So is this where the story ends? 

There's just nothing I can do

How you spend your time is up to you

So I guess I need to get used to this life 

Cry these stupid tears and survive

It's dependency, stupidity

Thinking you're my home and my family

Thinking you'd always be here with me

And that we'd be one another's priority 

But with people there's no reliability 

Everyone leaves you eventually 

I just never thought this would ever be

My reality 

We feel alone at times but God never put nothing on us we can bare. Did they pass away? Or just can’t find them ?

@bestBanana7981

I understand your pain, and I want you to know it will be okay. I had a scenario similar, not the same, but similar, a few months ago. In this community, nobody will judge your feelings, so fell free to talk to a listener, make a new page, vent on this page (or don't if u aren't comfy with it). Either way, whatever you do, remember that this community is supportive and will help you through this. Sending hugs (If they are okie) 🤗

-Wishing you luck in the world, Lunar

So I know one of them is still alive. He was online somewhere a couple of times these days. I texted him but he didn't react. And if one of them is alive, there's at least a chance the other is, too. Because I still can't imagine one could survive without the other.

But as we haven't talked, I still don't know anything, I have no idea what's behind this. If they really just got fed up with me and ghosted me cause they don't want me in their life any longer... or if it happened for whatever other reasons. And I won't ever find out unless they tell me about it one day - of course that hasn't changed, either. So I won't judge them before they explain things to me... and in case they never will, I'll never know anything, but I'll never be in a position to judge them either. 

So on the one hand, not much has changed... but on the other hand, a whole lot has changed. Mainly, as stupid as it might sound, I'm super glad relieved. Because I know for sure one of them isn't dead and it's at least somewhat likely the other's still alive, too. So nothing's over for good. If both of them are still alive, they might still have each other, which would be the most important thing really. :)

And if they're still alive at least there's still a small chance we'll continue our friendship one day. Maybe it won't happen... but maybe it will. And just this small chance is all I need so I can keep hoping, I guess. And it's all I need to make the grief ease off cause this might just be a temporary break. And even if they'll never return... at least I can live my life knowing they're still in this world, they're still around and we might talk again one day. :)

It doesn't really need to happen, I just need to know the option exists. It's way easier to come to terms with things like this. Trying to get used to the thought that they're really dead and that there's no chance I'll ever get to talk with them ever again hurt so much more.

As long as they're still alive and they got each other... nothing's lost. I just want them to become happy, or at least as happy as possible, to find happiness in life, to have a future together. I can accept everything else and find ways to handle the situation and continue to find my own happiness for myself, knowing they're doing the same somewhere. :) 💗