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Grief Groceries

User Profile: jesusredeemedme2425
jesusredeemedme2425 August 14th, 2024

My mom sent this to me <3



Grief Groceries!
I saw this letter today- as a funeral directors son, I have been around this for years. This is some of the best advice I have ever seen.
“Hey there, Thanks for writing. I’m really glad your friend has you in her life.
I get it. Grief is a funny thing. It’s the time in our life when we most need help, and also the time when asking for help is so hard. Not because we are ashamed to ask for help, although that happens sometimes too. But mostly because our brain just sort of shuts down.
When my Dad died, I looked functional. But I wasn’t OK. Not at all. And when the news got out, the ton of people flooding me with calls, texts, and DM’s was overwhelming. I really couldn’t function. I sat on the swing in our yard and just stared into space. People called and asked what they could do to help. I had no idea.
“Well, anything you need at all, let me know, OK?”
“OK”.
They hung up. I stared into space some more.
I had no idea what to do. What I needed. I didn’t even know what to ask for.
Then a friend sent a text. This friend had met Dad once but didn’t really know him. But still, she knew I was hurting. I saw who it was and almost put the phone down without reading the text, but I saw the message and it stopped me:
Will you be home at 8:30 tonight?
What’s weird is this friend lives 12 hours away from me.
Yes, I replied.
“K.”
10 minutes later, she said, “Instacart will be there at 8:30. Open the door for them.”
“What?”
“Grief Groceries.!!”
When Instacart showed up, they put two large bags of groceries on my porch. Frozen pizzas. Ice cream. Oreo cookies. Tinned soup. Stouffer’s lasagna. A gallon of milk. Like that. Things I could heat up if I needed a meal, or pig out on if I needed fat and sugar. Sometimes, you just need to eat half a box of Oreos.
Notice she didn’t ask if I needed any food. I would have said no. She just asked if I would be home.
Grief groceries.
Another friend, who lives out of town, asked Renee to name a restaurant near our house where we like to eat. There is a local chain near our house that is sort of a deli. When we eat supper there, we spend about $25. Renee told her the name of the place.
An hour later, there was a gift card in my inbox for $250. Yes, that is a lot of money, and I understand not everyone can do that. But the wonderful thing was that because it was enough for multiple meals, we didn’t try to save it for “the right time”. We ate there that night, and take out from there several times a week for the next month on nights when I just didn’t have the spoons to cook.
Both of those gift-givers knew something I didn’t know – that when you are grieving, you don’t want to make decisions. No, that’s not quite it: You can’t make decisions. You hit decision fatigue really fast.
So, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t ask grieving people to make big choices or decisions. “How can I help” is a big choice. But “Can I take the kids this afternoon so you can have some time to yourself” is a much smaller one. “Will you be home tonight?” is a small choice. “What restaurant do you like” is a small decision. Just showing up to cut their grass because you noticed it needed cutting is loads better than asking, “Do you want me to cut the grass?” Or, “I’m going to Target. What can I get you while I’m there?” is better than “Can I run any errands for you?”
It won’t always be like this. If you stick around, eventually they will surface and ways to be helpful will make themselves known. But in the first few days, especially, it helps to remove as many decisions from their plate as you can!”
Original Words from: Hugh Hollowell Jr.
16
User Profile: Tinywhisper11
Tinywhisper11 August 14th, 2024

@jesusredeemedme2425 ❤❤❤

User Profile: Kristynsmama
Kristynsmama August 19th, 2024

@jesusredeemedme2425

yesssss!!!  Grief groceries are the best!  I had someone do this for me and it was a lifesaver.  I ate a few too many Oreos though!

1 reply
User Profile: jesusredeemedme2425
jesusredeemedme2425 OP August 20th, 2024

@Kristynsmama

I mean... You can never have too many Oreos. ;)

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User Profile: jesusredeemedme2425
jesusredeemedme2425 OP May 23rd, 2025

Boosting... This is an inspiring reminder <3

1 reply
User Profile: DemiMondaine
DemiMondaine May 23rd, 2025

@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm very glad you boosted this as it gives more people, myself included, an opportunity to see it. I was reading a book recently on how to support people who've been bereaved, and it covered precisely this sort of gesture - get their groceries, mind their children, help with paperwork. Very often, when we're deep in grief we don't even know what we need, but practical support never goes amiss. 

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User Profile: mytwistedsoul
mytwistedsoul May 23rd, 2025

I wish someone would have helped me with things like this. Or just been there

6 replies
User Profile: jesusredeemedme2425
jesusredeemedme2425 OP May 23rd, 2025

I would have if I could have… <3

hugs

1 reply
User Profile: mytwistedsoul
mytwistedsoul May 23rd, 2025

@jesusredeemedme2425 Aww thank you! 🥲❤️

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User Profile: DemiMondaine
DemiMondaine May 23rd, 2025

@mytwistedsoul exactly this! So often, people avoid those who are bereaved for fear of 'saying the wrong thing' or they mouth platitudes that strike the wrong note, when there's a very easy way around both of those occurrences: do something - anything - of practical value. It helps more than any of us ever realise.

3 replies
User Profile: mytwistedsoul
mytwistedsoul May 23rd, 2025

@DemiMondaine Oh my gosh yes! The platitudes did hit wrong.  At the same, those  platitudes were slightly better than the absolute total silence from some people I thought would understand better. 

2 replies
User Profile: DemiMondaine
DemiMondaine May 23rd, 2025

@mytwistedsoul I agree, the platitudes ring hollow but the unwarranted silence screams piercingly. Sorry to hear you've had to deal with this; I always tell people it's ok to say "I don't know what to say". 

1 reply
User Profile: mytwistedsoul
mytwistedsoul May 23rd, 2025

@DemiMondaine I've come to the conclusion that it's best to just not talk about it with anyone. I'll have to remember to say that though if it would happen again. Thank you! 

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User Profile: CaringEzra
CaringEzra May 25th, 2025

I love this, I can relate to not being able to make the choices and not wanting to bother people, but food is always appreciated and needed. sometimes making food is just not in the cards that day. really appreciate all the people that support in this way. its a nice gesture when someone is struggling 

3 replies
User Profile: jesusredeemedme2425
jesusredeemedme2425 OP May 25th, 2025

And especially bring junk food too. Grief needs comfort food <3

2 replies
User Profile: CaringEzra
CaringEzra May 25th, 2025

@jesusredeemedme2425 

I need a gallon of ice cream lol

 lick-ice-cream.gif

1 reply
User Profile: jesusredeemedme2425
jesusredeemedme2425 OP May 25th, 2025

Same lol

Are you dealing with grief atm? *hugs if you are* <3

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