Grieving me.

I have been finding it quite sad lately when I see memes about spontaneity or doing something stupid just for the fun of it or being the unpredictable fun friend. I miss that version of me. After being diagnosed with lupus a few months ago, I have had to take time and stop and listen to the small changes in my body to avoid getting sick or having a flare-up. I have given up so much that I have completely shut down my identity, I know who I am, but my health won't allow me the be her anymore.

I was the girl to run up the mountain, smell the roses, jump in the lake, get my hands dirty, do it all myself. I used to dance, play sports, hike, paint, read, create, build stuff, you name it. Now... I get lightheaded when I fold the laundry. I am so tired at the end of a work week that I sleep the whole weekend and still get up Monday exhausted. One remotely social Saterday and I am drained. I struggle to keep up with playing with my nephew because I get tired so easily. Dancing, ballet, its completely out of the picture, my body has been broken down to the point that I physically can do the thing I love most anymore.

Some symptoms realy scare me, my hands might go numb, twitch and drop things unexpectedly. My feet go blue and feel dead yet painful, some nights I can't breath for no reason, I get headaches and dizzy and pains in random places that scare me because I dont know why it is happening.

There is this long list of co-illnesses that just keep growing. Asthma, Raynaud's, tachycardia, IBS, eye issues, nervous system dysfunctions, mental issues, and so forth. It is just really draining and I miss the me before the lupus who could just live.