Hello, new here.

Hello,

I'm not sure if I'm doing this right, if not, please correct me. I've experienced both loss and grief on a large scale and continue to experience both. I say large scale, but I guess that is subjective. I think any loss is a big deal. I lost my dad 10 years ago and I continue to miss him every single day. He was funny and kind and loving. A year after losing him, my only brother was killed by two police officers. A case of mistaken identity. There was a lawsuit that my sister-in-law won. But, that doesn't bring him back. My brother was much like my dad. Very caring, intelligent and sensitive. During the time span of losing both my dad and brother, I went through a divorce. I was married 20 years and I was not ok with the divorce. While I was out of state at my dad's funeral, my ex husband managed to get the divorce hearing moved up so, when it occurred, I could not be present. He got everything by default. I was left with absolutely nothing. When I returned home, I became severely injured and was forced to go on disability in order to take care of myself. About a year later, my only nephew, my brother's son, was found dead in the home he shared with his mom, my sister- in- law. He was 20 at the time. When I say I couldn't speak for a week, that isn't an exaggeration. I lost my 2 best friends the same year. Fast forward a couple of years later. My son was working on cruise ships and was home staying with his dad for a short time before returning to work. One morning he came to my house, very early. I opened the door and I saw my son's face and immediately knew something was terribly wrong. His dad, my ex husband, had been arrested by the FBI for child pornography. He had his issues during our marriage, but, I never knew that to be one of them. I used to say, I saw my son literally change that day, but the truth is, so did I. I'm not sure I fully understood empathy until this happened and I saw the effect it had, and continues to have, on both my son and daughter. My ex husband is serving 15 years in a federal prison. To look at my children and know the hurt they feel is almost more than I can handle. After my ex husband's arrest, my son was staying with me. One evening, I noticed he pulled into my driveway but stopped at the beginning of the drive. It's fairly long. He sat there long enough that I felt something wasn't right I walked down to his car and opened the driver's door. My son was blue and barely breathing. I pulled him out and started CPR while calling 911. The medics came and after a couple doses of Narcan, they were able to revive him. Heroin. This was the night before Mother's Day. That same weekend, my daughter, who was pregnant with my granddaughter, started hemorrhaging due to placenta previa and we almost lost her and the baby. Presently, I am facing the loss of my mother. She has end stage dementia and on a good day, remembers me. I am remarried but struggle on a daily basis to be who I think I should be. The truth is, I am so incredibly hurt so deeply, that as hard as I try, I fall short. There you have it, the Cliff Notes version. I'm here because I feel lost. The sadness is overwhelming. I try to stay busy so as not to think about things. I strongly believe the best thing to do to help yourself is to help someone else. But, I find just leaving my home is too much for me. I want to be the person I know I can be. The person I was. I feel like an empty shell full of emotions. I think maybe taking this step is a start. Thank you for listening.