How do I cope with this?
TW mentions suicide
I'm 16, in high school, I just lost my best friend to suicide. We hadn't talked in a while and she called me in the middle of the night, I was happy to talk to her and I picked up. We chatted for a bit a caught up with each other then she started to apologize for a bunch of stuff, i knew where it was going and begged her to please not do anything, i was crying and shaking at 2am, begging her. I didn't know her address or her parent's numbers, i wanted to help her so badly, send police or something, anything. I heard a gunshot and she stopped talking, i heard her parents banging on her door and yelling for her to open the door.
I couldn't save her, i blame myself so much, i wanted to save her, i'd killed my best friend. I feel so guilty to live without her, knowing she can't live on, she is stuck frozen in time, never growing gup or turning 18. Doing the small fun things in life. I don't even want to eat or sleep knowing she can never eat her favorite food ever again. How do I cope with this..? please help.
@DarkShadow420 plz get in touch with a listener
@DarkShadow420
My heart reaches out to you and your best friend’s family. It’s tough. No doubt. I also had a beloved classmate end their life and I remember so distinctly the deep grief, the sleepless nights, the heavy pangs of guilt “what could I have done better to prevent this tragedy from happening. For a while I grew bitter and cynical towards the world. It seemed ridiculous that the world kept turning and people proceeded to mind their own business. The world felt like a cold and impersonal place.
But dear, looking back, I really want to encourage you with a few things. Grieve as you need to. Let your body do its physiological catharsis- you loved your friend, and your emotional pain is a testament to that love. But know that however horrible it feels now, it will pass. The pain will lessen, you will grow stronger. As trite as “ Time will heal” sounds, it is tried and true.
know that you aren’t alone. Don’t isolate yourself like I did, hiding in a dark corner of self pity and sardonicism. reach out to people who have been there, who understands the pain. Draw strength from these people. Stand with your friend’s immediate family and friends—cry on each others shoulders, recollect beautiful memories together, remember, carry on.
It’s ok to move on. It’s ok to let go of your guilt, shame, pain. It’s not just ok, it’s the best way to move on. Not in the sense that you are irresponsibly removing/ numbing yourself from the tragedy, but in the sense that you are going to take that piece of your friend with you to face the future with confidence. You are going to live and love to the fullest— that’s the gift that your friend has given you. Turn your pain into power. You might not realize it but when you feel like all is lost, you are actually bestowed with a new clarity and sentience, with a new life. You become cognizant of how ephemeral life is and what you need to do to treasure it. You become aware of the suffering your peers are experiencing, which you can now offer to walk with them. Life is worth living, trust me, that is the message that you should come away with most after your friend’s passing.
Stay strong soldier. I’m with you if you ever need to talk