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DarkShadow420
1 13,458 M Pacing Forward 9
Falling back into the hole I fought so hard to get out of
PathStep 27 Compassion hearts271 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes42 Current upvotes42 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceJuly 19, 2020
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Drunk words are sober thoughts
Depression Support / by DarkShadow420
Last post
 May 2nd, 2024
...See more "Drunk words are sober thoughts" I never wanted to believe this quote but I know it's true. I found out it was true at the age of 9. My father was a drunk and addict my whole life, before the age of 9, I had believed my father did love me, I had never asked him until one day. He was completely drunk and almost passed out when I asked him "Daddy do you love me?" and I believed he would say yes since he was drunk but he laughed, it was the hardest he had ever laughed, I had never seen him so happy, when he caught his breathe he said "Why the *** would ever love you, you useless brat!"  Drunk words are sober thoughts, he was telling the truth because a lie would never come out as clear. That's the moment 9 year old me realized I was blind and my image of my father was false and his love was going to be impossible as long as I was alive. Drunk words are sober thoughts, do you agree?
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I don't know what to do anymore, this is too much
Depression Support / by DarkShadow420
Last post
 August 26th, 2024
...See more TW mention of suicide, domestic violence, and sexual assault I'm going to rant a lot here, pretty much my whole story, which is triggering for some so I understand if you turn away from this but, thank you If you are taking the time to read all of this and give me some form of comfort or direction. I grew up in a very abusive household, my father was abusive towards me physically and emotionally, My mother was both emotionally and mentally. I'm the oldest of me and my 3 siblings, I practically raised my siblings since my parents lacked in that department of parenting. At the age of 6, I was already taking care of my little brother, when he was 2. I fed him, changed him, bathed him, etc. I grew up learning quickly that my parents didn't love us, thought I didn't realize that till I was 9.  This abuse from both my parents went on for years, constant and never ending, most would ask me why I never told a teacher or called 911, and I wish I had a valid reason. Between the ages 6-9 I believed that what he did to us was out of love, the abuse was never that bad in the beginning, just a slap, push, belt, etc. Once I got older it got worse. I took most of the pain for my siblings, I made sure as much as I could that they would never get a scratch on them, and when they did, I felt a wave of guilt that I didn't protect them as much as I should have. Once I got into middle school and High school, the abuse got to the point I was sent to the hospital a few times. Me and my siblings were in and out of foster more times than I can count, but we were always sent back to him. One day when I was 16, last year. He had finally gone too far. He got caught.  All these years, I had started to give up on the idea of freedom, or getting a choice in anything that happened to us, I was in a really dark place, and you can't blame me. I don't think you do. Right? He had been arrested for attempted murder, We had gotten into a really bad fight and ended with him on top of me with his hands around my throat. My blood was everywhere and covered him, I'm shocked I survived that night. My brother called the cops and I spent 1 1/2 week in the hospital. With a concussion, broken ribs, broken wrist and many bruises and cuts. It had been a year since that happened, and I guess I should catch you up on what's happening now, or more recent events. After a few months of that happening, My mother had regained custody of me, but 3 days ago her and her boyfriend got arrested for putting me in the hospital again. My two younger brother and sister are living at a foster home with two good people, but me and my brother lived with her simply for the free rent, free food, etc. Friday night we got into a big fight because my mother found out that her boyfriend was sexually assulting me and r@ping me for 2 weeks, She blamed me for coming onto him, so I grabbed my brother and some of our stuff and went to leave, but her boyfriend pushed me down the stairs and I hit my head really bad.  I am now living with my best friend, She is taking care of me as much as she can along with her parents, they are patient with me and support me. My body is in pain but my head hurts more, all this stress, and adult problems and causing me to panic, I've been having seizures due to all the stress and my concussion. Thank you for reading all this If you did, I didn't go too much into detail but, This is the short summary. You don't need to give advice, I was just venting, hoping someone will read this.
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A year already.
General Support / by DarkShadow420
Last post
 December 11th, 2023
...See more TW // *** & SA December 15th, It's almost been a year since I was raped when I was 15. I wanna say that I've gotten better but as the date gets closer and closer I feel all the emotions again, the nightmares, his touch. It's all coming back and I would be lying If I said I wasn't frustrated, unfortunately I'm not frustrated at him, I'm frustrated with myself. I know It was not my fault, but I can't help but blame myself, I froze and everyone tells me it's a normal human reaction, but still. I knew what was happening, I didn't want it to happen but It did, and I still feel like I did nothing.  I'm getting the overwhelming guilt all over again, that he didn't get caught, he ended up changing school and the school couldn't do anything. It's been a year and I can't help but feel he didn't stop doing this to girls and this has happened to other girls, i can't help but feel like I made that happen. I'm crying as I write this but I don't know what else to say, this was just a rant.
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What's wrong with me?
General Support / by DarkShadow420
Last post
 October 4th, 2023
...See more I came home to my dad drunk (this is often), I offered to make dinner for him to get him in a better mood for the day. He got mad and yelled at me, he said he hated me and wanted me dead, he threw a bottle at my head. What did I do wrong?
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Still here.
General Support / by DarkShadow420
Last post
 August 23rd, 2023
...See more Reminder (I guess): TW Su!c!de mention // my best friend killed herself 3 weeks ago. She called me on the phone in the middle of the night and shot herself, I didn't have her address or parent's number. I'm still here.. I miss my best friend, I feel guilty for living on without her, I can't help but blame myself for her death, I can't eat or sleep, I have no energy to do anything, I feel I deserve these feelings, it should have been me instead of her, I wish, she should be able to live her life and learn to be happy again.
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How do I cope with this?
Grief & Loss / by DarkShadow420
Last post
 August 23rd, 2023
...See more TW mentions suicide I'm 16, in high school, I just lost my best friend to suicide. We hadn't talked in a while and she called me in the middle of the night, I was happy to talk to her and I picked up. We chatted for a bit a caught up with each other then she started to apologize for a bunch of stuff, i knew where it was going and begged her to please not do anything, i was crying and shaking at 2am, begging her. I didn't know her address or her parent's numbers, i wanted to help her so badly, send police or something, anything. I heard a gunshot and she stopped talking, i heard her parents banging on her door and yelling for her to open the door. I couldn't save her, i blame myself so much, i wanted to save her, i'd killed my best friend. I feel so guilty to live without her, knowing she can't live on, she is stuck frozen in time, never growing gup or turning 18. Doing the small fun things in life. I don't even want to eat or sleep knowing she can never eat her favorite food ever again. How do I cope with this..? please help.
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