I lost my grandma 12 years ago
Not a day goes by when I don't miss her, or think about her. I'm so afraid of forgetting her that I'm not able to move on from the grief, from the pain.
I tried to push myself but I realised that by remembering her, I feel the love that she made me feel. I don't really have anyone else in my family who loved me selflessly. And after she left, the void created and started growing. I realised how lonely I am. Even tho my parents were present, they never loved me selflessly. I know it's harsh to say but it's true. And then it was followed by a lot of abuse - physical, emotional, and mental.
So whenever I miss her and cry profusely, I let myself go. I let it happen. Because I realised I don't cry just because I miss her, I also cry because I feel that love, that care, and I miss that so much.
I hope and pray that every child is loved by their family because for someone who begged for love and respect from her parents, I know how painful it is to live a life where now the one person who loved you is also gone.
I started finding that love within me. I'm trying to practise self love. After all, the only constant in our life, is us. Ourselves. I hope my grandma is proud of me because I sure always am proud of her 🎀
@InsomniacPerson
I'm sorry for your loss 💚
I'm sorry you didn't experience love from anyone else.
I'm glad you had her, and I've no doubt she is proud.
You deserve to love and be loved 💚
Thank you for your kind words. You're so sweet. I really appreciate it.
I hope you have a great life! x
@InsomniacPerson
A pleasure 💚
@InsomniacPerson
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't only understand you, I feel you, what you wrote touched me in a personal way because I went through my very similar version of your experience, only it wasn't my grandma but my grandpa instead.
My parents don't love me, they never will. I never could fully make peace with it, but I had accepted it. How I learned and received unconditional support was through my grandpa. Thanks to him, I know what it means to be a family to someone, to love and be loved unconditionally. I miss him, and I also miss that feeling very much. I remember what it was like being with him even after many years of his departure. Currently life is very challenging it hurts so much to not find this kind of love anywhere. I feel lost, hurt, hopeless.
I searched for a family in all my friendships and relationships. Most people do not need it, because they already have it. There was times I believed that I found it, but I lost that and it hurt more than I can explain.
I feel you. I am here for you if you need someone to understand. We can share memories and share how it feels to live without it or we can sit in silence, that is fine too. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to reply you late. When I read your words, it touched my heart. I needed a minute to respond, I was so emotional. I cannot express in words, how good I felt when you said that my words made u feel not alone. I believe in the power of empathy and sharing stories, and I am glad that you are here and we got to share this moment. I also don't feel alone after reading your story. So thank you for that xx
I hope you find all the love in this world because you deserve it.
Love and positive vibes x
@InsomniacPerson
Every time you reply, I feel the same. Thank you for being here for me.
I hope as we go life will be kind enough to us to bring people we can resonate with as it offers so much comfort and relief. You are not alone and I hope you find love and happiness. I am genuinely rooting for you. I am here for you, to gently hold you with my thoughts and encourage you. I am not religious therefore it is not a prayer, I will silently light a candle tonight just to honour your grandma with my own grandpa because they were beautiful people who deserve to be remembered, honoured and cherished.
Hi lovely. You're so thoughtful and kind. Once again I am in tears and I appreciate your words so much.
I want to share something with you. I am not religious as well. I do visit cathedrals and churches for their architecture beauty. And whenever I do, I always silently light a candle to honor my grandma.
I am so touched by your kindness. I will do the same tonight to honour your grandpa and my grandma x
Among billions of people, I am glad to have come across you and I hope we both find love and happiness too. I have been trying to practise self-love because I know that's what my grandma would've wanted for me. I hope you find that love too.
Sending positive vibes your way my sweet x
@InsomniacPerson
You are incredibly kind. Thank you so much for doing this.
How did lighting the candles feel?
It was very peaceful. And i don't find a lot of peace in life, so it was very special. Thank you for asking :)
How was yours? xx
@InsomniacPerson
I don't find a lot of peace in life either. It makes sense, given what happened and how we are both feeling. I can imagine that our experiences are not very different. I'm sorry that it has been our reality for years. It's unfair.
As for my experience... It felt like doing the right thing. It was good to think of them vividly and be close to them in a sense. Good people deserve to be remembered in best ways. I appreciated both of them and thanked them.
I also made a wish about you and me, I wished that we both will be alright.
You are so kind. I appreciate you sharing your experience. And you are right. Good people deserve to be remembered, always.
Im so scared of forgetting her you know. I lost her when I was a kid. And no one took care of me to process the hurt. So here I am, trying to figure it out one step at a time. It's nice to not do it alone. Thank you again, for sharing your story x
Your wish for both you and me made me feel so blessed. I hope we feel better and find more and more happiness in life :)
@InsomniacPerson
Dear InsomniacPerson,
I don't think you will forget her. Unconditional love is not something we forget. Even if you process your pain and free yourself of it. You will remember her, and the memories with her.
I have an idea! Why don't we make sure that they stay with you just in case? If you are down, lets grab a pair of pens and something to write on. Ideally something nice to look at, take your time to find and purchase it if you don't own it yet. And then, write down what she was like and your memories with her. Everything you can remember. You can add details and memories that aren't even that important, special or touching. I'm sure you will cry, laugh and process some of it in the end. It should be both a freeing experience and a way to ensure that she was there, she loved you and cared for you. Once you are done, put a photograph of her there. Ideally at the beginning so that if you remember something later on, you can keep on writing, adding. You could add things she liked there. Did she like daisies? Put daisies there. Did she smell like lavenders? Cookies? Sky is the limit, you can capture these as much as you can.
By doing this, you are both making sure that you will remember the things that happened, and free yourself. If you don't think it's for you, we can find other things too, to process things and heal from your loss, but not forget.
What do you think?
You know, I spent my entire evening sobbing. I am missing her so much today. And the thought of forgetting her was making me more anxious than I usually am. And then I read your reply. You have no idea how much better I felt. I never thought of this idea. Idk how! This is such a beautiful suggestion. I would love love to do this. It will be such a heartwarming journey.
I know it will be difficult to start it cuz it could get overwhelming but I will make sure to take out time to do this.
Idk how to thank you for being so thoughtful. You're such a kind person. Sending hugs my lovely x
@InsomniacPerson
I feel much better now after reading about you felt. My purpose was entirely to make you feel better, but I do too now thanks to you, I even told someone about how you helped me get some of me back.
I was sitting and thinking what I could do if I was scared of forgetting him. And I thought that there might be a beautiful way of securing our memories and process emotions at the same time. My hand writing is awful but I want to do the same thing one day. I will be searching for the right tools whenever I can get out of my situation that I am in now.
You are right, the experience will be difficult, overwhelming, emotional but you have all the time in the world to do it. Once it's too much, take care of yourself and step back. No need to feel guilty for doing so and it's okay if it takes a long time.
You could do it step by step, I would get the notebook/journal, put it somewhere I can see and start imagining what it might look like when I work on it, if I wanted to encourage myself. Life is busy and again by all means it's a heavy-in-the-heart thing to do but I have a sneaky feeling that it could be rewarding especially when you feel lonely, when you miss her and when you are afraid of forgetting her.
You are also very polite and kind, I can tell. I wish more people were like you. I appreciate you :)
Also, I read that you said you don't find a lot of peace in life as well. And I'm so sorry to read that. You deserve all the love, peace, and kindness in this world. Maybe our life experiences are similar. I have been patting my back and wiping tears off my face since I was like 10 and it's just how life has been. I live and love with a broken heart but my memories with my grandma make me feel better. I hope your memories with your grandpa make you feel better and loved too, especially in moments of sorrow and hurt x
Even if there aren't lot of ppl showing love, you have yourself and I have myself. Afterall, the only constant in my life is me. I learnt it the hard way but I know it now.
And we have each other in our memories too :) Dear stranger, I will always remember your kindness when I feel lonely.
@InsomniacPerson
Yes, our life experiences are similar. You said "I have been patting my back and wiping tears off my face since I was like 10 and it's just how life has been" and that was enough for me to know.
You are right about self love and it's importance. I am very curious about what you learned and how it made a difference for you.
And of course, I will also remember you when I feel lonely.
Perhaps I can offer you an ear too? Maybe a shoulder if you need that? I volunteered here as a listener for years, I think I still have it in me. I am happy to keep in touch with you here too, if that feels better. Just leaving the door open for you. You are welcome to share your good and the bad and seek comfort from me.
Hiya! I really appreciate you being so open and expressive about feeling better because reading that makes me feel better haha. I guess empathy is way more powerful than I had thought. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better now. I wish more for you! xx
My self-love journey has been very up and down tbh. I guess just like healing, practising self love is also not linear. I am only starting now, because no one taught me to. But I cannot express fairly in words how much better I felt after prioritising my happiness and needs, especially over ppl who weren't being kind to me. I was/still am a people pleaser lol so I never knew the power of self love. But like I said, it's not linear. I make one mistake and i abandon myself immediately and start questioning if I'm even a good person lol. So yeah it's a struggle but i think self love is probably the most powerful thing one can possess or provide for oneself. And it's free! But difficult lol. Sorry idk if that helps I think I just started blabbering at this point. But thank you for asking. It was a very kind question x
I didn't know you were a listener as well! No wonder you suggested me such a nice way to preserve my grandma's memories:) if you are still volunteering, I would love to connect with you. But I know you are also going through so much. So I will also keep it open ended! Whatever you want x
@InsomniacPerson
Everything you said so far made sense, don't you worry. I will have more to say to you directly.
I'm glad you are open to connecting, it would be unpleasant to lose touch with you :) we can support each other and cheer on as we go.
As for my problems... No worries, I am capable of being stable enough for you. Responsibility is good for me right now, I would like to welcome things to keep me connected with life so I can bear it until it gets better.
You don't really have to be my listener but if you have questions especially about our similar experiences, I will be transparent with you. We can share stories and see how it feels. I will get in touch with you soon.
I will leave the thread saying if anyone else is reading this and have gone through similar experiences, you deserve support and I am open to offering ear to you as well.
@patientAcai8660
Posting this to confirm that you are talking to the right person, Sail.
Thank you for offering nonetheless!! You're so thoughtful!!:)
