I want to let go but I can't
Since early 2014, I have been hurt because I was betrayed and deeply hurt by someone I wasn't compatible with. She told me about a year and a half later that she faked a friendship with me for her interests. She also admitted that the friendship was one complete lie and that she everything I knew about her was a complete lie. Since then, she's shown me her true color by revealing that she hates me and thinks she's better than me and stone walls me now.
Though I appreciate her coming forward and admitting what she did, I don't think she fully realizes that lying like that is very serious and have long-term consequences as. Rather, she seems to think she can still skip through a rose garden as if nothing happened.
I wish I could just let it go but I feel like some serious and traumatic damage was done because I have felt nothing but anger and hurt toward this person. Though I would love to just move while I am forgiving them, I cannot be around this person without feeling serious discontent toward her. Therefore, I make every effort to ignore her.
While I am starting to reach a point that I will eventually forget about her and the nasty things she did, there are others where I still feel haunted by the past and how she treated me.
@Summershy i could really relate to you and i just want to say that it is so so important right now to let yourself feel. she mistreated you, hurted you in so many deep ways, and you have to reach to a point where you say enough is enough.
its hard tho, easier said than done. when we get attached and see that the whole relationship was a lie.. its difficult. you got this! rooting for you!
Thank you for your kind words and I had been praying to God a lot about this and also speaking to a counselor. Meanwhile, there are days where I am starting to forget about her and while associating with people in my life now. Meanwhile, I am haunted by the other mean things she would do to me in the relationship.
@AmyMir6
I have an update:
I worked through the anger and the hurt last week and I decided not to dwell so much on what she did to me but how she treats me today and how she is.
@Summershy yaaaaaay I'm very proud, that's a huge step for you!
Yeah I figured that I need to accept her for who she is today but not who she was during the fake friendship.
@Summershy I'm so sorry that happened to you. You did not deserve what you were put through. She is not better than you, and you don't deserve hatred from her. I agree with the other response that says "it is so important to let yourself feel." I understand how it feels to be haunted by mean things people have said and done. For anyone it's a long journey to feel good in our own skin, and we can be so set back by direct negativity from others. Your feelings are 100% valid. You were hurt. Sounds like you are taking all the best steps to heal. I hope that you don't have to be around this person, and that you find people who build you up. The best way to get over someone toxic is to cut them out completely and find better people and experiences that fit and encourage your personality and strengths. Sending supportive thoughts...trying to do this in my own life right now. It's so hard!
@ClayGiraffe
I agree with you but in the mean time, I think it's okay for me to acknowledge that no one is forcing her to hate me. Rather, She made that decision a long time ago over some personal issues because it's how she feels about herself and that's her problem. In fact, I am pretty sure she doesn't like anyone, she only thinks she does. Another one of her problems is that she is very full of herself if not self-centered.
Also, one more thing I thought of that has helped me. I know different things help different people, so maybe it's not useful to you...but maybe it is? When I think of something mean someone said to me in the past, I actively try to tell myself "They were wrong" or something to that effect. Or I attempt a compassionate exploration of why someone might say what they did (Example: they were projecting on me how they feel about themselves.) Another creative thought trick is imagining that they actually are sorry and they are giving a genuine apology (even if perhaps they aren't actually sorry right now). It's a visualization technique. I feel if they were in my shoes, they would be sorry. But I know that no one can completely know what it's like to be in another's shoes. It works for a visual person like myself. But maybe not for others.
I really like the first two tricks
@Summershy
Hugs to you . It would had been not easy to face this situation. Still you are managing with brave face. I liked how you are aware the way you feeling and don't want to stuck in the situation. You understand so well that though she wrong but forgiving her for oneself is important ,so resent and angry become less.
Hurt, anger, sad and helpless are natural to feel ,as we are human being. what you had gone through was not easy situation. If it take some time in healing it's seem okay. Back and forth in process will happen. Maybe you can try mindfulness.. whenever you feel thought of past hurting you.. or thought pop up.. say yourself "oh thought came up again . Fine. I heard it and now i let it go." I hope it reduce the impact the thought give you.
You little heart need your care and love the most in this moment. Take care. Eat well.
@blindHeart12
Hi:
Thank you for your kind words because I knew that I needed to forgive her right after she rejected me. I was in the process of healing but what really threw gas on the fire was when I met with her over a year later to try and reconcile and rekindle the friendship. Not only did she make it clear that she didn't want to be my friend but also proceeded to manipulate me by hiding her true feelings about me behind other people in her life. I was very hurt at what she said to me because she made me feel like there was something wrong with me. For four years, I questioned whether it was really her or me who was the problem.
However, I eventually started talking to the right people and one of them said that she is the one who did bad things to me because she didn't get her way. After talking to my current counselor and listened to other resources, I have also recently learned that she is communal narcissist who is incredibly manipulative.
However, she did a number on me during the friendship and afterwards as well.
@Summershy
When we are hurt or someone just cut off without proper reason or closer. We are left with question.. we keep looking answer for it. I had been that place many a time and i learn it who wrong not important is that we don't carry burden of breaking.. even if we made mistake (sincere apologize we can do ). We are just left to learn n grow. If someone else mistake than it their perceptions n way of living it out. They are responsible for it. It good we are out of relationship.
I am happy you did not try to jump into another relationship to fill the gap.
i am happy you met right people to help you.It good time to know yourself more better more deeper, such situation tell us how we behave hpw we feel and what length we go to save relationship..and many thing.
Take care.
No, I tried to re-kindle the friendship but it didn’t work.
Actually, I did get into a rebound friendship for two years with a married couple in her place. I soon learned that they were not good friends either as they were extremely toxic as well. For example, they would criticize me for everything and would make me feel bad.
For example, one of them criticized me for talking about forgiving my former friend and said that I was the one with the problem.
People will treat us according to the reflection of their internal image. Essentially if they treat you with contempt, they feel contempt for themselves.
A willingness to invoke negative emotions in others is nothing more than a projection, and while they seem to be "getting away" scott free, in all honesty they are living in a state of agony disguised as peace and serenity. An illusion it is, a carefully constructed one.
@miraculousParadise2759
Thank you for your kind words I had a chance to pray about it and this came to me. First of all, I think the best thing to do is not accept her for who she was and what she did but accept her for who she is today.
Second, I need to accept that she can't stand me and also thinks that she's better than I am but that's just who she is and how she feels.
Third, She's not likely going to change her mind about me and nor is she likely to change anytime soon,
Fourth, that's sad but it's really her problem and not mine.
Therefore, I am planning to live in the present today and just enjoy my life and my friends today.
the same happened to me@Summershy
@Summershy
I think by our Indian that God has made a special person for you but he will not give her suddenly you have to spend sometime in this also and had to be more good to deserve.
Believe me your next partner will be more good than ours all and you will be very happy. I understood your feelings but try to avoid it as much as you can. Don't try it as compulsory as it will hurt your brain nerves. So all the best and try to begin a new life.
@Mustfir
Hi,
This wasn't an intimate partner, rather it was someone who I thought was a close friend when she wasn't. She turned out to be a narcissistic abuser who wasn't getting what she wanted so she dumped me.
@Summershy i went through something like this. it's so hard and hurtful. i am so sorry. just know you aren't alone and don't deserve that kind of treatment.
@lordhuronfan
I agree and no I don't deserve that kind of treatment but that goes to show that she isn't a nice person. However, she wasn't a good friend to me and admits that but also blamed me for getting mad at her all the time. However, she is very manipulative and probably knew that I saw right through that and knew that I didn't have time for games,
