No longer able to see my therapist
This may be an unconventional, or uncommon, kind of loss and I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this. Please remove if necessary.
I won't attempt to not take responsibility for my role in why I can no longer see my therapist. I did send her an email requesting to no longer work with her. I was also quite angry with myself at the time for feeling like I was not doing enough to help myself and then I turned that anger on her where I got mad at her for not doing more to help me. This resulted in me being in a fairly self-destructive frame of mind which led to sending the email. I did note this to her several times and that I might feel different once I returned to a more baseline frame of mind. None of that is meant to excuse anything I said and is just meant to provide information on the situation.
Unfortunately, I never got to have a conversation about any of this with her as she replied to my email and told me we were done working together. She also has refused to respond to any of my attempts to try to explain, make amends, or better understand what exactly happened. This was not the first time I had pushed her away and later wanted her back, nor was this the first time I expressed concerns about us working together. Neither of these seemed to have been a problem before so I've been left really confused as to why this time was different.
My stance about no longer working with her also did change before she responded, as I anticipated. I didn't say anything about feeling different and that I still wanted to work with her, but maybe I should have. I was trying not to be annoying by sending another email and thought it was better to just wait for her to reply. Since receiving her email Monday morning, I have felt lost, hurt, confused, and deeply sad. I would do anything right now to hear from her, just to understand her decision more if nothing else. I've begrudgingly conceded at this point that I will not be hearing from her at all and part of me feels I deserve that. It doesn't help with the waves of sadness and tears that keep coming knowing that I can no longer work with her and that I have no one to blame but myself.
The thought of working with someone else feels impossible right now. I don't trust myself to not say something wrong or incorrectly again and hurt someone else in the process. I also don't think I'm willing to be open and honest with another therapist right now because I don't trust my own words and actions nor do I trust that they won't end up hurting me, again. I know I struggle to communicate with people often and I say things wrong. This situation only seems to be reinforcing those thoughts. I already feel like I'm failing in this post to communicate what happened and how I feel. It seems to read as defensive, whiny, or like I'm playing the victim, instead of conveying the facts, taking responsibility for my part, and still being hurt and confused by her part. I think we both got hurt in this situation quite frankly but I have no way to confirm if that is true. I also have no way to know what part of what I did was the issue or what her thinking was so that I can learn and change my words and/or behavior.
I'm just sad and feeling extra alone again. I've already been reverting back to trying to lean on my mother again which I know is a lost cause because she has never been a support person for me. I don't really have anyone else though. I have 1 friend but she is drowning in her own life stressors so she does not have the ability to offer support right now and I understand. I know I should find another therapist but that feels too scary for many reasons and just not a realistic option right now. I'm not really open to the idea and I don't want to waste their time by trying to force myself to do what I "should" do.
I don't really know what I'm really trying to say at this point. I'm sad, hurt, confused, and feeling alone. I don't know if others can really relate to this or not. I'm hesitant to even post this with how bad it reads to me. To put it simply, I messed up pretty bad, am dealing with the consequences of my actions, but also really hurting and upset.
Hey, I'm sorry to hear this happened. Even if it's not something that's commonly talked about, it's okay to grieve having a falling-out with your therapist. After all, they're someone who you've shared very vulnerable things about yourself with and it can be hard to accept that they just know that about you forever now but won't remain in your life.
All you can really do is respect the boundary and move on. There could be all kinds of reasons, and I hope she reaches out to talk about it, even if it's just one last official goodbye message, but unfortunately you can't wait around expecting that it will happen and have to accept that this is probably all you'll get. It's okay to take time to yourself before reaching out again to a new therapist, but please don't let that discourage you entirely or isolate yourself further. When you're ready to try again, here's some things that might help:
* Find a therapist who specializes in BPD, avoidant personalities, mood disorders, and rejection sensitivity. It's not my place to diagnose you as an internet stranger, but a lot of what you've described sounds like the brutal emotional cycle that comes with mood disorders and such. Even if that's not what's actually going on, a therapist trained to recognize and treat that may still have some helpful coping strategies for you.
* Write a letter to your new therapist explaining why you're no longer with the old one, and give it to them when you feel up to it, maybe a few sessions in after they've gotten to know you a little but not so far in that you've built a deeper relationship. It's scary and takes a lot of vulnerability, but this will help them understand how your mental health issues impede your life and help them be prepared and come up with a plan for you in advance of ever possibly repeating the behavior. Also though, to give some tough love, it will get the awkwardness out of the way early if it's something they're not cut out to handle so you can part ways before you've shared anything else super delicate.
I hope things get easier for you. It sucks pushing people away when you don't actually want or mean to.
