RIP Daddy
My dad passed in Feb this year and well it was hard. He had cirrhosis of the liver however he wasn’t a heavy drinker. The constant misconception that this only happens to alcoholics was extremely traumatizing because he was never an alcoholic. I’ve since let go of the idea that he’d still be here if they would’ve just helped him vs just assuming he was an alcoholic and leaving him for dead.
I wasn’t able to be there all the time (I live in MD and my family is in TX but I got several chances to see him and I got to hear him say I love you before he passed. The funeral happened and when I got back home it felt like it wasn’t real. It still doesn’t but his belongings tell me otherwise when I see them. My stepmom gave me some tshirts to use for a quilt for my son.. still haven’t done anything with them and now I’m worried; what if I wait too long and they go to waste. I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of attachment to an object because I just really miss my dad. I know grief comes differently for everyone but I’m not sure I’m doing ok. I feel like a faucet, and the water is my grief. I let it out every now and then. Some days it hits harder than others. Then I look around my life and see how much I need him today and every day. He provided something no one else did, comfort and safety. My daddy was my protector and now he’s gone. I can sit here and remind myself he’s with me and he’s a part of me.. but I don’t want that. I just want my dad. But daddy is.. dead dead dead. (I was thinking about Golden Girls when Blanche goes through the loss of her father; fortunately I still have humor intact. Dad would be proud).
Just needed to get that out. Can anyone else relate?
@Blueemoroses01
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May your dad rest in precious peace. I am so sorry for your loss and that he wasn't mistreated due to misconceptions , made it unnecessarily harder for you all. I'm glad you got to say goodbye, it would be nice to make that quilt, it's not about attachment to an object, so much, as it is, feeling closer to him, grief is hard and its hits us st unexpected times, it's hard because he mattered, he left a big impact, he was loved and he loved you 💜💕
Thanks Amanda. I really hope I can find the energy to get that done. I was hoping to have this be a project for my husband and his Grammie (she’s the quilter in their family) but things have taken a turn in their family. Grammie is ok but their aunt isn’t. I just hate how as we age everyone else dies. I start feeling like I can finally relate and ask for my parents advice but at least I have my mom. My thoughts tend to block those who I still have around me. I often get flooded with thoughts about what my dad’s missing out on. And how I wish he was here to experience it. I think about how I wish I would’ve had that wedding just so he could walk me down the aisle. And most importantly I wish he was here to see his grandson grow up. I know I have to accept that life doesn’t go as planned and we just have to roll with the punches. Keep moving forward. I just don’t have the energy so I stay still while everyone else is rushing around me.
@Blueemoroses01
The hardest thing about grief is that while we are falling apart, everyone else is going on as normal around us. Its important that you don't push people away, you've lost enough 💕💜 It's only natural to want your dad at all future events and the realisation that he won't be, is truly heartbreaking, but the love you have fir him, will never be extinguished 💕💜
I feel like I’ve done the opposite lately. I’ve been reaching out but everyone is busy. I end up feeling like a burden just like I did as a child. Either way, I hope and plan to continue moving forward or at least try. Thanks ☺️
@Blueemoroses01
You are not a burden here 💜💕
I appreciate that. It’s been hard lately trying to pick myself up and piece everything on my own. My husband isn’t able to help much because he’s going through something similar within himself. We just don’t talk because it doesn’t end up being productive. We just end up arguing about each other’s flaws; I’m the guilty one for being explosive. I mean explosive as in, while upset, I slam things and it becomes passive aggressive. I tend to say that I learned that from my mom being that this was her reaction each time she was upset with my dad. We’re both just trying to survive while raising our son. Since I have the luxury of being a stay at home mom, I’m working on my mental health. I didn’t get a chance to work through my postpartum depression or anything else before pregnancy.. i just wish I could be more consistent. That’s my biggest flaw aside from how quickly my mood changes. I guess with grieving my dad, a lot of my childhood memories come up for me. Those are the memories I suppressed to convince myself my childhood wasn’t bad; going back to what I said about changing my perspective “things can be worse. My pain is small.” That’s when I’m harder on myself as I mentioned and begin to feel like a burden. It makes me feel better to have someone to talk to.
Thank you for sharing this. I can feel how much pain and love are intertwined in everything you wrote. Losing a parent feels like losing a part of yourself, and it’s so hard when there are misconceptions about their illness on top of the grief.
I lost my mother and grandmother, and I’ve learned that grief never really goes away, it just changes. Some days it feels lighter, other days it crashes back like it just happened. What you described about his belongings holding so much weight really resonates with me. It’s like those objects become anchors to the people we’ve lost.
It sounds like your dad gave you such a strong sense of comfort and safety, and holding on to that quilt project might be your way of holding on to him. There’s no timeline for when or how you do it.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. How have you been getting through the harder days lately?
Thank you for sharing this. I can feel how much pain and love are intertwined in everything you wrote. Losing a parent feels like losing a part of yourself, and it’s so hard when there are misconceptions about their illness on top of the grief.
I lost my mother and grandmother, and I’ve learned that grief never really goes away, it just changes. Some days it feels lighter, other days it crashes back like it just happened. What you described about his belongings holding so much weight really resonates with me. It’s like those objects become anchors to the people we’ve lost.
It sounds like your dad gave you such a strong sense of comfort and safety, and holding on to that quilt project might be your way of holding on to him. There’s no timeline for when or how you do it.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. How have you been getting through the harder days lately?
@syntaxofscars I’m glad you were able to relate. I was raised with the mentality of not letting the bad change my perception of life because “it could be worse”. I was often reminded that things could be worse. On my hardest days, I suppress the urge to cry until I can’t. It’s like on my hardest days I’m harder on myself because I can feel it affecting me. The constant battle of “I know I’m not ok” and “I NEED to be ok to continue” is exhausting. The more I try the worse the outcome is because of that constant back and forth in my head.
