What not to say!
Hi everyone! As we have been discussing that grief is an unavoidable part of life. You have either experienced it, will experience it, or are experiencing it. As saddening as that reality is, it is something we need to be mindful of. But also it's important to acknowledge that sometimes what we say is hurtful to a person experiencing grief.
What should a person avoid saying when comforting someone experiencing grief?
@Hope
When comforting someone experiencing grief, please be mindful of not sharing your encounters of grief. It is a moment of deep sorrow and gloom. By adding stories of your own personal experiences, you would only end up making the other person drown in the darkness than heal and recover. They need words of empathy and not discouragement. Let them have their space and don't overburden them having to acknowledge your emotions.
◇ "They are in a better place"
(let's hope they really are but at this time, those left behind aren't in a place to even accept their loss and this wouldn't make them feel any better)
◇ "Nothing else could've happened. Relax"
(Sure fate is in play, and things may or may not be different, but do *not* tell them it's not okay to atleast feel sad about what happened, and no, your suggestion to relax is more aggravating instead)
◇ "Its been a long time."
(Riiiight! Because we love people setting a time limit, mhm? ~ Does *not* matter how long it has been or how "happy" we seem now, the love one isn't here, the loss is felt, the grief is valid)
◇ "You'll be okay."/ "Everything will be fine."
(This one I've heard so often, it does come from a place of concern and an intent to comfort the person, but I feel instead of telling people they'll be okay, one should ask "how are you feeling?" and validate how they *are* feeling, not encourage what they "should" feel and certainly, everything will be fine, life goes on and the inevitable sad truth but are you really sure everything will be absolutely "fine"? Are you? You aren't, you cannot be sure of what's gonna happen the next second, let aside forever ~ I feel a better way to say this, or something that I'd prefer more is "i hope everything gets better soon"~ hope is better than an uncertain fact!)
Please don't tell me to be strong. It makes it feel like any emotion I show is a sign of weakness. I struggle with this already
Don't tell me you know exactly how I feel. Because you don't. We may have gone through something similar but everyone grieves and handles things differently
Don't tell me they're in a better place. Because how do you know?
Don't tell me it's a part of life or that life goes on. It sounds cold and insensitive. I'm already painfully aware that it's a part of life - it doesn't help me feel better
Don't tell me God is or had called them home. Or that it was Gods plan or will. Why would God want someone to suffer? You don't know my relationship with god and I'm angry so as far as I'm concerned F God
Time doesn't heal. It just passes
Don't say things like "I know exactly how you feel"
Don't say "you should be over this by now"
Don't say "at least they are not suffering
In my opinion it is important to just be there with the person. Words can rarely help when someone is grieving, so avoid saying too much overall.
Try comforting them with your actions, like bringing some food over, help with housework if they need it etc.
"Life must go on"
I understand that when people say this they're trying to help especially if it's a particularly heartbreaking loss and the person grieving is having trouble moving on but it's quite invalidating. The grieving person is aware that life goes on but that doesn't mean they should bottle up emotions. You can go about being there for the grieving person so much better than that.