Presence: A Skill that Nurtures Your Relationship with Yourself
Sometimes it can be easy to push down emotions, distract ourselves from them, or even intellectualize them by engaging with them only on a head-level (I will be the first to admit I have plenty of experience with all three!)
It makes sense that we might try to avoid being present with our emotions at times, especially if they feel intense or unpleasant. But what's the alternative to this, and how does it benefit us?
For a few years, I have been on a journey of learning to be present with emotions in my body, with acceptance and compassion. Because of how much this has helped me in my mental health journey, Presence is one of the skills that stood out to me in the Inner Development Goals Path.
Presence is described in the IDG path as "being fully engaged and attentive to your thoughts, emotions, and experiences in the present moment without immediately evaluating them as good or bad. Instead, it involves observing and accepting them with an open heart and mind. This relationship with oneself cultivates self-acceptance and compassion. It allows individuals to explore their thoughts and emotions without self-criticism, leading to a deeper understanding of their inner world."
Though all of us are unique, one thing that has been helpful for me in this journey is to take time to maintain compassionate attention on where I feel emotions in my body (e.g., areas of tension, feelings in chest, feelings in stomach). Sometimes, if the emotion is unpleasant, I even place a hand on my chest or stomach (wherever I'm feeling the most) and imagine I'm sending warmth and care into that vulnerable place inside of me. When I do this, sometimes the intensity reduces, and I feel comforted.
Sometimes I also try to view myself as a parent to the little hurting parts of me (if you're familiar with the concept of your 'Inner Child', I like to think we have many inner children, so-to-speak). I wouldn't push a child into a basement to get it away from me, but I used to do that with parts of myself! The hurting parts of me also appreciate my presence much more than they liked being pushed away. They are comforted more quickly, too.
What is one emotion (or part of yourself) that you struggle to stay present with or accept? Remember that acceptance doesn't mean defeat; it's a starting point for healing and self-compassion. Once you've thought of the emotion, if you imagine it as belonging to a little child under your care, what is one thing you would like to say to (or do for) this child as you stay present with it? I'd love to hear your answers or anything that you want to share about your own journey in this area! 🌻
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(If you're curious, though I am deliberately trying to use accessible language, I am an avid fan of Internal Family Systems and also dabble in Polyvagal Theory)
@SilverWhiteWinters
Thank you for this inspiring post! 💗
One emotion I have trouble accepting is sadness/grief. I think it's because society tells us that crying and sadness is weak, and we should avoid crying at all costs.
I would tell a child who is feeling sad that sadness is a natural emotion, and sadness is representative of the love we have in our hearts. When we are sad it means that we love someone/something so much that we are sad to see them/it go.
@endearingPup1029
Thank you so much for your response! You're so right - negative or shaming cultural beliefs about emotions like sadness can definitely make it harder for us to accept those emotions in ourselves. Which is a sad thing, because as you said - emotions are natural! And I absolutely love what you've said about sadness being representative of the love we have for something that we've lost, that's beautiful and so true.
@SilverWhiteWinters Thank you for this beautiful post. One emotion I struggle to stay present with is shame. I tend to avoid it or distract myself instead of sitting with it. If I imagine it as a child, I would want to tell them, “You are still lovable, even when you make mistakes.” Just thinking about it this way helps me soften and be a little more accepting toward myself.
@nicolka2004
You're most welcome, thank you for your response 🌞 shame can definitely be a hard emotion to sit with. And what you've said is so true - we are all human and make mistakes, but are still worthy of love and compassion 🌻 thank you for sharing those beautiful words. I'm so glad to hear imagining it as a child has helped you to feel a little more softness towards it; I find that with emotions like shame in particular, having a little distance like this (like imagining speaking to a child) can really help me feel more compassion/acceptance inside myself too!
