My journal-all comments, thoughts, or even support very much welcome.
Im starting this in a bad place. Partly starting it *because* im in a bad place. I was struggling before the lockdown and virus were issues. Now Im struggling more. I had a bad childhood thanks to my family I no longer have contact with, except for rare essential moments. My whole life I have struggled with extreme social anxiety and anxiety generally, because of my upbringing. The last few years I had finally begun to change, began to stand up for myself, assert myself, state my needs, found a couple of support groups, a possible therapist. Started trying some self help groups. Started the very beginnings of socialising. Began to express my creative side more openly.
Then the lockdown came and took the socialising and support groups away, and the therapy is now only online video based. And my family became worse. Saying nastier things about me, being even more nasty and unfair. And Im having bigger and bigger realisations about my childhood, and how badly they treat me-and Im struggling with it.
I am the dog that is beaten by its owner yet keeps returning to them when I feel scared. Even though I know a lot of my fear comes FROM my owner (ie, family of origin) mistreating me as a kid. How can I be so aware of something yet struggle to break the pattern?
Anyway-right now, because my parents are old, I was already worried about them dying before I got any kind of resolution, closure, or even reconciliation or apology from them (not that they ever showed signs of doing that-and I had tried everything, bent over backwards, and spent my whole life previously trying to please them, keep them calm, sorting things out)-now thanks to the virus issues, its even more impossible. My support structures are gone, life is so much more hassle anyway due to anxiety about caution over distancing, handwashing, short supplies, future fears due to the economy, etc, etc. And the notion of family therapy is even less practical than ever, and a distant thought if my parents both survive the virus risk and are around when face to face therapy is happening again. I tried it once before with them-the therapist badly let me down, my dad sat there lying on the few occasions he did turn up, and my mother, the main emotional abuser in my life, just acted her usual self. I have been badly let down by many therapists before.
I have one now, who has been of SOME help-but Im concerned her aims for helping me ultimately dont fit with things. I never had the courage to stand up to my family and say what I really felt. For most of my life I even agreed with them, hated myself, pleased them, and thought they were right. Now, I strongly feel I must say some things to them and stand up to them finally-while there's time. I feel like its an essential part of my journey. But my therapist seems to want me to avoid that and just tell her everything, with her belief being that, if I 'want it bad enough' (whatever that means), that through this process, I will come out the other side simply not CARING what my family think, feel or say to me/about me, and will no longer feel any need to say the things I feel a need to. All I know is; the more I began to speak up and find my voice with them, the more I felt able to go out into the world and feel less afraid and stand up for myself. So this issue is causing me a lot of worry and is a huge dilemma-and I'd welcome any and all thoughts, suggestions, alternative views, support-anything, as I feel kind of stuck right now.
I dont have a support network now, and as I grew and changed, my so called friends quickly abandoned me once they realised I was no longer their dogsbody but actually had needs and emotions myself. So I find myself in this weird world we currently live in, struggling really badly these past few days especially, and unsure of where to turn for support or empathy or alternative views-or even just contact and connection.
I used to use forums like these often, but it fell away for a time. Now I feel I need to use them again, as I am really, really hurting. I feel angry at my family, and yet also a yearning for them to be kind to me and show me support and love. I feel lonely, worried, anxious, stressed, and unsure where to turn. I feel depressed, and am finding it very difficult to do even small things right now due to all of this. Lastly, Im struggling to get out of my home for simple walks, because I live on a high floor in a building with a tiny cramped lift, and many, many flights of communal stairs and am worried about catching the virus that way.
So-Im not in a good place at all right now, could really use some contact, or just views on my attempts to write a journal as and when I feel up to it/the need for it.
@powerfulCup3720 nothing that had happened to you is your fault. Sometimes, though we want resolution, the only thing we can do is to stay away from family. It sounds like the struggle is only hurting you and it doesn't sound like they will change. You do have a support network in 7cups, we will always be here for you. I'm so sorry all this crap happened to you, you don't deserve any of it. You are s a good person who deserved happiness.
@selfconfidentMelon5824
thank you. I appeciate that. it helps to be reminded of these things right now.
Feel like im being gaslit. Just wrote long post about how so many of my electronic items (monbile, tablet, laptop, dekstop, home phone, etc) seem to al be doing bizarre things/going wrong at once. Many doing inexplicable things. Tried virus scand, cache clearing, updates, etc, etc. Things restarting on their own, crashing-just now wrote long post on this and submitted it to this forum-and got some weird thing that meant the post vanished! Then when started writing this one, the battery suddenly dropped despite being charged and fine. My other devices arent connected and dont share accounts, are not synched, do not share content-yet all are also behaving very weirdly.
Im not even going to speculate on why this is happening, save to say that all this rubbish Im having to deal with ON TOP OF the difficulties Im having emotionally, are utterly driving me crazy and wearing me out. So sick of this nonsense. Just want things to be a BIT easier for a little while. But having what is usually a 20 minute online food shop turn into a two hour slog due to mysterious laptop crashes and restarts and passwords sudddenly not working and phonelines going dead when I try to call and so on and so on is not exaclty fun.
I HATE this.
Bit better today. Had good bike ride last night, went to a place hadnt been before, really enjoyed the empty roads. Realized some things also about what I want more in my life. Some good aspects from a support group did also.
Had some good moments the last couple of days, some really nice times. Bit of a rollercoaster regarding things emotionally, but better. Today Im just wiped out, feel incredibly drowsy, difficult to focus, quite forgetful.
Finding the notion of switching from a lockdown to what is basically not one, difficult. I dont feel its safe to go out generally, especially since so many are now acting like nothing happened, and theres no question the virus numbers are going to shoot through the roof again as a result.
Is anybody out here? Feel **so** down and hurt today. Uncared for, Unheard. Many thoughs of pain ffrom my past with my family, worries about what to do, confusion about what I want, self doubt and blame. I try using the resources avilable such as forums like these, but it seems like im talking into a void sometimes. Are people even reading this? I could really use a 'virtual online safe forum hug' or something. Something to know others are seeing this.
@powerfulCup3720- yes once again I am here. Reading your open sharing of feelings. Always wanting to write something profound- so bittersweetly wonderful to lift up the sadness and loneliness you feel. Would a great big virtual HUG help. I am a better hugger than writer.
Well, Im posting again today after a long gap. I dont know what happened, but I saw no replies for a long time after, and only now have some earlier ones shown up.
Im hugely greatful to people who did take the time to reply to my last post. I was in a really bad place and felt very alone and uncared for. So all replies were helpful to me.
Seperate to that, I felt hurt by the lack of replies overall regarding my journal. Its just that, from other areas on the site, it seems that people who are really struggling are getting largely ignored by others, getting far fewer comments. Its as though theres a lot of the sites users who responded more to people doing pretty well or who are improving, rather than those in downturns in bad situations. I understand some of that, but its very painful to feel people dont want to know at all specifically because you yourself are struggling at a particular time.
The result was I felt too down to face the site anymore and have to see another week had gone by with nobody replying or reading the journal. As I say, some of this seems to have been down to some kind of site issue, but it was deeply upsetting. Its taken me a lot of courage to check it today and to come back and try again for a while longer. And as I say, im glad to see there were a couple of replies after my last post.
Im feeling a bit worn today, so I'll respond more another time. But I'll just mention I found both useful and constructive.
Im meant to trying an initial assessment session with a new therapist online tomorrow, to see if things could work there. I am very nervous, and hate having to go over all my past in those initial first sessions. I did one last week and it was awful and painful. The therapist was very chaotic, asked me how to sort her email ntoifications for her, had distracting things going on in the background while the online session was happening, etc. Not encouraging at all.
Im aiming to submit some photos to a competition today (deadline is midnight local time). Apprehensive about the preparation work I need to do first on photoshop as Im very tired today, and tbh, I'd be surprised if my pictures meet the technical standard needed, but I'll have a go. After a LOT of online researching, I'v also chosen the type of camera Im upgrading to. Boy was it complicated-theres a crazy amount of types. Before digital it was mostly just regular or medium format. Now you have to pick from medium frmat, APSC, Micro four thirds, full frame, 1 inch, etc, etc. And each changes the power of any zoom lens you use as a result. Crazily complex! But I finally picke one with my limited budget, though theres none currently for sale where im looking just now. I HOPE it will be quite an improvement in technical quality over my current camera, and thus allow me to enter more competitions and submit work to more places. IPhotography is one of the few simple things that I get some pleasure from.
Im very dispirited by the government where I live regarding their handling of the virus. They look like theyre covering up the numbers by no longer even announcing them daily anymore, and over the weekend it was crazy with new rules allowing almost all activity. So there were many bars with over 200 people in small places, no distancing, no masks, for hours. It upsets me to think how those people may get hurt as a result of these things weeks from now. It seems this has been the pattern in nearly every country. Lockdowns, then numbers being played down, then lockdowns ending, then numbers shooting up again, so more lockdowns, etc. Myself, Im feeling it necesary to be very cautious, so im basically taking a lockdown approach, regardless of official advice, until things become clearer in a few weeks, when we can see what the end of distancing etc means for things.
Hope everybody is well and safe
@powerfulCup3720
"but its very painful to feel people dont want to know at all specifically because you yourself are struggling at a particular time."
That came across wrong-I meant its painful to feel people may have not responded to my journal, specifically because I, myself, was in a bad place at that time.
Very worried about war lately. So many extremists in power, using extreme language, not talking face to face but using social media (eg Britain, America, North Korea, Australia, Russia-everywhere). Dark events happening globally that arent getting covered in media. Tit for tat actions between naions that are obvious, esclation of tensions and the breakdown in diplomacy evident. Throw in the new economic fallout from the virus, and its a recipe for disaster. I was concerned about htis happening months ago. Though I am very worried about the virus, and saw it coming when it was just a small news item about China, I am far more worried about where things will end regarding was. I felt even back then things were incredibly bad. Now they look abysmal. This is how wars always start-poor communications, extremism, economic crashes, tit for tat hidden attacks on each others country, trade and economic sanctions, breakdowns in diplomacy.
Any war today, however small, with todays technology, has the likelihood of inevitably becoming an inevitable global war. And we all know what that means. I dont want to sound like a conspiracy theorist-im really not. I know somewhat about previous historical events and such. I am also very much not an extremist. I just know that in any war, its the average common people that get hurt. And in a global war involving nuclear weapons, that would be on an unimaginable scale.
I just felt an urge to offload about these worries. As you can imagine, its not straightforward trying to have a conversation about this with people without the average person thinking you are crazy, unless they happen to similarly know a lot about politics and certain historical events.
Im not talking about ideology, or taking sides, or blaming-im just worried how far it may all go unless cooler heads prevail. But Im not feeling very confident about that at the moment, and havent for months-and things have only gotten more extreme, and events worsened, since then.
I'd be greatful for any soothing notions or ways to adjust to cope with having such painful knowledge that is worrying.
@powerfulCup3720
I am a lot late in replying, but I wanted to let you know that I share a lot of your worries. It's particularly disturbing when people in power are speaking to their sides alone, as opposed to speaking to each other. I hear your fears and I hope that rational thought prevails over time. I'm kinda optimistic (xD Darned if I know why)
I think something that helps me cope-is speaking or observing the actions of people across communities (for example, here on 7Cups)-and a large part of their actions tells me that they don't necessarily subscribe to hateful beliefs. I like to think that at the slightest hint of a war, we'd have a bunch of influential people ridiculing the idea of it 
, and I like to believe that people in countries that participate-would prefer peace.I mean, I'm sure that people I have spoken to would not hope for the destruction of the place I am in...So, it's just a lot of faith in them, I guess.
I will say this though, that people in power often don't seem to recognize the ramifications of their statements, and I sometimes feel like giving them a bump on their head with a pan, anytime they say something that's outlandish or provocative. I do get why you feel anxious on hearing their statements.
*sending loads of hugssss
*
Take care!
(I'm sorry I wasn't online earlier)
