My journal-all comments, thoughts, or even support very much welcome.
Im starting this in a bad place. Partly starting it *because* im in a bad place. I was struggling before the lockdown and virus were issues. Now Im struggling more. I had a bad childhood thanks to my family I no longer have contact with, except for rare essential moments. My whole life I have struggled with extreme social anxiety and anxiety generally, because of my upbringing. The last few years I had finally begun to change, began to stand up for myself, assert myself, state my needs, found a couple of support groups, a possible therapist. Started trying some self help groups. Started the very beginnings of socialising. Began to express my creative side more openly.
Then the lockdown came and took the socialising and support groups away, and the therapy is now only online video based. And my family became worse. Saying nastier things about me, being even more nasty and unfair. And Im having bigger and bigger realisations about my childhood, and how badly they treat me-and Im struggling with it.
I am the dog that is beaten by its owner yet keeps returning to them when I feel scared. Even though I know a lot of my fear comes FROM my owner (ie, family of origin) mistreating me as a kid. How can I be so aware of something yet struggle to break the pattern?
Anyway-right now, because my parents are old, I was already worried about them dying before I got any kind of resolution, closure, or even reconciliation or apology from them (not that they ever showed signs of doing that-and I had tried everything, bent over backwards, and spent my whole life previously trying to please them, keep them calm, sorting things out)-now thanks to the virus issues, its even more impossible. My support structures are gone, life is so much more hassle anyway due to anxiety about caution over distancing, handwashing, short supplies, future fears due to the economy, etc, etc. And the notion of family therapy is even less practical than ever, and a distant thought if my parents both survive the virus risk and are around when face to face therapy is happening again. I tried it once before with them-the therapist badly let me down, my dad sat there lying on the few occasions he did turn up, and my mother, the main emotional abuser in my life, just acted her usual self. I have been badly let down by many therapists before.
I have one now, who has been of SOME help-but Im concerned her aims for helping me ultimately dont fit with things. I never had the courage to stand up to my family and say what I really felt. For most of my life I even agreed with them, hated myself, pleased them, and thought they were right. Now, I strongly feel I must say some things to them and stand up to them finally-while there's time. I feel like its an essential part of my journey. But my therapist seems to want me to avoid that and just tell her everything, with her belief being that, if I 'want it bad enough' (whatever that means), that through this process, I will come out the other side simply not CARING what my family think, feel or say to me/about me, and will no longer feel any need to say the things I feel a need to. All I know is; the more I began to speak up and find my voice with them, the more I felt able to go out into the world and feel less afraid and stand up for myself. So this issue is causing me a lot of worry and is a huge dilemma-and I'd welcome any and all thoughts, suggestions, alternative views, support-anything, as I feel kind of stuck right now.
I dont have a support network now, and as I grew and changed, my so called friends quickly abandoned me once they realised I was no longer their dogsbody but actually had needs and emotions myself. So I find myself in this weird world we currently live in, struggling really badly these past few days especially, and unsure of where to turn for support or empathy or alternative views-or even just contact and connection.
I used to use forums like these often, but it fell away for a time. Now I feel I need to use them again, as I am really, really hurting. I feel angry at my family, and yet also a yearning for them to be kind to me and show me support and love. I feel lonely, worried, anxious, stressed, and unsure where to turn. I feel depressed, and am finding it very difficult to do even small things right now due to all of this. Lastly, Im struggling to get out of my home for simple walks, because I live on a high floor in a building with a tiny cramped lift, and many, many flights of communal stairs and am worried about catching the virus that way.
So-Im not in a good place at all right now, could really use some contact, or just views on my attempts to write a journal as and when I feel up to it/the need for it.
Had a tough night and a very hard day yesterday, partly spent just lying curled up in a ball on the couch, in a daze, half asleep.
No idea where today has gone... I had a bad session with the therapist earlier. She keeps using certain terms incorrectly, and asks me to be honest, yet when I mention those incorrect terms, she tried to blame it on my personal issues-My background is in psychology,and she claims to know all about that, though she has no qualifications-where I have some qualifications myself. So when she uses basic psychology terms incorrectly then states she 'ttotally understands psychology',and asks me to be honest, of course I mention it. I dont feel its a 'defense mechanism',its just a healthy logical, calm pointing out, thats all. I felt she started getting passive aggressive about it. And also made some very strange, bold claims too. Its left me confused and concerned.
I've been thinking of spreading my 'support network' wider. Searching online more for UK online support groups that use zoom/skype etc (its where I am), maybe see if theres even social anxiety groups that 'meet' online etc. Basically trying to diversify my support and move away from her more. But Im terrible and 'moving on' from people, especially when I have doubts. And I always have doubts, always automatically switch to blaming myself, and as usual, I have that old anxiety in me, whereby the kid in me now yearns even more for my parents(!)
So wish I was free of this. I think the virus has affected my world a lot more than I thought it would-in that things that seemed to work 'enough' for me before, no longer do, and as a result, I maybe need to start making difficult changes in my life to adjust to the new stresses and difficulties.
Today I'd been up just ten minutes and somehow my laptop wouldnt connect to an online support group I use, so I missed half of that, I was supposed to have a picture I took published in a newspaper (not as huge as it sounds as it was one of 50 from other people-but I had looked forward to it), only to find today that they 'lost the picture' so it wont happen. I also had a slight incident last night and both my feet are now very sore to walk on as a result. I feel SO low, so lost, so hated and unloved. I'd really appreciate any support or views. Just to know this journal is at least being seen.
@powerfulCup3720 It is being seen—I am subscribed 
I'm in the UK too, but unfortunately I don't personally know any support groups to recommend.
Your therapist sounds…well…I don't know what to say about a therapist who pretends to know more than you do but really knows less, and who's against you standing up to your family when that's something that's been helping you.
By the way, if you'd ever like to chat feel free to message me.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
@RarelyCharlie
Hi-thanks for the reply. I'd like to message sometime. Im feeling a bit raw and afraid of rejection right now, so I'd probably better skip that today though. Appreciate the thoughts on my therapist-it helps me to get an outside opinion.
@powerfulCup3720 Of course. Message me when you feel the time is right.
Charlie
@powerfulCup3720- also read your journal- my heart goes out to you. Am simply another member- but wanted you to know- others are here for you. Hope today goes better for you. THe other response did offer to listen- what a gift. Take care.
@barncat
Hey, I appreciate the heads up. Good to know others see this.
Saturday reflections
Struggling at the moment. Feel more emotional than yesterday. My heads been going round and round over what to do about the therapist. I;ve had such bad luck with them. Im in such a state Im even tempted to call my family of origin, even though their the ones who gave me such a miserable childhood, and are partly why I feel so afraid to rely on myself and not instead want validation and love from them (which will probably never come in any healthy way). And yet I suspect I will call them later. I've been crying a bit on and off today due to how I feel.
Theres something else thats really troubled me lately. I used a support group before the virus, which helped somewhat. It ran a few times a week, with different peole going to each days meeting. One of the days had people I'd become familiar with, but we had a sort of falling out just before the virus. I liked and got on with other people there though, and really want to use that resource again. So-now those groups have gone online since the virus, so I do a certain days meeting-but I want to do other days, especially the one I previously mentioned. But Im really, really afraid of running into those people I fell out with-when I say afraid, I mean that I feel so emotionally wounded already, partly due to the recent thing with my therapist, etc, that I cant handle the thought of those people snubbing me. Its in my nature to try to make up with people, or be polite, civil, or friendly at least. But I hate the idea of being hurt by them.
But I've been struggling with this for weeks, and I really feel a need to make use of those online groups-and I just dont know what to do. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place...... It has the potential to help me. But also to result in me feeling more hurt or alone. Again, any thoughts or alternative ways of looking at this problem, are welcome. I know I sometimes lose perspective when Im feeling like this, so any outside views are often helpful to me.
@powerfulCup3720
I have not sought therapy, and to me-seeking therapy has always been like a utopian dream. Perhaps, it is the TV series that have conjured up an image as such-but to me, it has always been a place where you enter, and feel comfortable pouring out yourself,and being you. Being that emotionally invested in a system, I would be pretty disappointed -if my therapist were trying to incorrectly label certain acts of mine. I'd be a lot shaken, if that system failed me.
I can relate to being that person who steps back, so that they can be a part of a relationship where they feel involved, I do not really know, if it is healthy-but I suppose it could be worse...
I have turned to writing abstract passages, which do not really make much sense-but are in some ways, an analogy to what I am feeling, to try and feel okay with myself. Sometimes, I am able to support myself too...
I am not going to pretend that I know what you are going through, but I suppose, I can feel some aspects of what you are going through having lived a bit of my life. I've subscribed to your thread
@loyalTree3713
Hey, I just read your post, and I appreciate it. I feel the same about some of the things with therapy. Feeling mislabelled often is something I really have gotten tired of, and it hurts. I like the notion of creative writing. I struggle to find healthy forms of expression of what Im going through. I guess for me journalling, and posting it too, is something I do. Also, where possible, and where it feels safe, support groups. But I feel like Im doing something wrong because Im also into creative things like music, creative photography, etc-yet I can never channel my pain and feelings over my past into them.
Maybe its enough I have healthy creative outlets, as enjoyment is important. I dont know. I guess I have a lot of self doubt generally. Im glad to hear your approach is something you get something out of though.
I read what you said, and i can relate to how relationships in family affect our other relationships, i also can relate to having a therapist that is not so supportive and helpful, i can say that i feel your pain in regards to your relationship with parents, even though our situations may be a little different. My parents generally respect a person who has a certificate that they are professional, but even then it took a long time searching for good enough therapist and and willingness of all family members to change their behavior/patterns. I am glad to hear that you are actively searching for support, i think it shows that you have courage to ask for your needs to be met in some way.
@AntonioCroatia
Thank you for that. Im glad you could get your family to listen and to try therapy. Im a little jealous to be honest! I appreciate your comment about me asking for my needs to be met-every therapist I met kept trying to push me to avoid doing that. Yet I have seen that in many well respected books on this issue, it is commonly advised. Its a contradiction I find confusing. Anyway-Im glad you have made progress with your family. I wish I could have that with mine. I guess part of the difficulty for me is realizing how that may not be practical/may not occur for me. I really wish it was different though.
I have had some ups and downs since the last post-I'll reply to the posts when I can-I just had to post right now because I have seen something that has shaken me a bit. I came across an online support charity, which was helpful, and they directed me to another site also. On that site I found a major, authoritative, offiicial, wide ranging study into parental abuse of all kinds, of children.
I just took a look at it-and something about it has really affected me. In looking at their definitions of abuse, I was confronted with a reality I didnt expect. I think, until now, I have always had some doubts about my own abuse from my parents/family. I always feel awkward when talking of it because I always think "well, it wasnt as bad as for others/maybe mine was just 'how things were' in those days/maybe it wasnt that bad". And I guess I have trouble seeing my abuse as a whole too-I often recall specific moments-but recognising the overall pattern is hard, and I usually cant recall it until it pops up as isolated moments.
Reading the list of well researched, official definitions has shaken me-I was abused. I was shamed. I was neglected in some ways. And more. I feel a bit overwhelmed. It feels sort of freeing to have so much of the doubt removed. But its also upsetting to realize how badly my parents treated me, and cant help feeling hurt, rejected, unloved, and somehow 'unworthy' as a result of that.
I felt I had to write here of it as it literally just happened, and that I needed to get my thoughts 'down on paper' so to speak, and to communicate them with someone.
I guess self doubt is common in abuse. And I suspect that, in a few days, old doubts will resurface-but I've not been faced with something so clearly showing me what I've sort of known, deep down, for so long. Its very emotionally confusing-a part of me feels like its been vindicated, and like celebrating as a result. And another part of me feels deeply upset at the implications of my parents as people, there lack of care or acceptance or love for me as a child and now.
This was really unexpected, and Im not sure where to go next with this. I guess Im also a bit scared that, being so badly treated, Im a bit worried about my chances of reaching a healthy place, a healthy, good enough life, as I know that the earlier that abuse happened, and the more ongoing and all pervading it was, the harder it is to 'recover'.
Feeling very sad and alone at the moment. Had a lot of big realisations about my past lately. A lot of unresolved pain I was completely unaware of. What a time to realise these things. I wish I had more support, someone who couudl sympathise without trying to push their agenda or views on me. Im tired of every therapist insisting their way is the only way and that every other therapist's way is wrong. It leaves me in a spin, wondering who is 'right' and who I am supposed to believe. Im just sick of it. The whole field is such a joke.
Im hurting. Im recalling the past and my first love, and nowI look back, i feel sort of stupid, and feel she was not at all what I thought she was. It was also a very painful time regarding my family, and they made me feel unloved and acted like they wanted to get rid of me as much as possible. Nothing I look back on seems to be what I thought it was at the time. Its so shocking to see how little I had in terms of love or support or encouragement or interest or consistancy.
And its SO hard to be going through this right now at a time when I cant really even build new bridges or broaden out my life by trying new things or new grouups or new people. Something I struggle with anyway.
Again, Im worried my parents will pass of age or illness before I this age of the virus passes and so before I am able to get more support and help and be in a better place. I am so scared of dealing with their passing while feeling in this state and feeling such confusion, need, and doubt about my choices. Guilt. Etc.
I wish I could find more online support but I find it so exhausting trying to dig anything useful out from the useless search engine results out there. Its impossible to find anything oamong the useless search results. I want to find online support groups that work via video, eg by zoom or skype or whatever. But I cant find anything related to bad parents or bad upbringing or cptsd or social anxiety or depression that isnt hugely expensive. I feel there must be some out there but I just cant find it despite trying google, ask jeeves, yahoo, bing, duckduckgo, and loads of others. I just wish there was a safe group where people could share there difficult times respectfully and respecting each others privacy and each others journey-without trying to push any agendas or idealisms on anyone. Theres one I use-but it has such an agenda of idealogy. Its useful to a degree but sooner or later the ideology statrs getting shoved onto me and I dont want it, and dont really believe in it. Im tired of being pushed. I just want to be heard.
@powerfulCup3720 Hope you find your way
@powerfulCup3720- just letting you know you are being heard on this forum post. The time spent more isolated is bringing up the past front and center for many of us. Be easy on yourself and take each day one at a time. It would be wonderful if we could find the answers to our emotional turmoil in one fell swoop. Oh, I wish it for all of us. But I realize our lives happened one day at a time- hence our quest will also occur one day at a time. Take care.
Thanks-Appreciate the replies.
Todays entry
Woke from one of the most upsetting dreams Ive had. Dont want to go into detials but basically it was about being abandoned by my mother when I had nothing but love and hopes for things with her, as a kid.
I woke deeply upset, wrote it out, and cried.
I realized how much she always made me feel unwelcomed, unloved, unappreciated, and a 'nusiance'. No wonder I've spent most of my adult life worried people dont really like me and think of me in the same way. Even the times I saw her last it was the same. Her attention was on everything but me. Didnt even smile when she saw me-she never has. No warmth. No interest. No support or encouragement. Just coldness. Disatance. Detached yet controlling. Critisising. Accusing. Hypocrisy.
Everyone else has always come first in my 'relationship' with her. My sisters. My dad (even though she hates him and cheats on him). Even my sisters dog comes before I do. Not kidding. Even though my sisters both just use her for money and to get her to do things for them. Im allways treated as the black sheep in the family, even though I;ve always been the white sheep, getting good grades, behaving 'well' (doing what they wanted me too, etc). Meanwhile the rest of them cheat, lie, steal, gossip, and more to everyone, and even to each other-yet put each other way ahead of me and always have. I just dont understand that, and never have.
Part of me wants to try to reconnect with the therapist I wrote of before, out of 'need' and out of difficulty in dealing with this pain and sadness. But I cant see much of a way back with her after the things she said and did-and I think I'd just be re-enacting the dynamic with I had with my mum, of repeatedly endlessly hoping somehow I could make things different if I tried again. And again. And again. Despite the reality that she is just a bad parent. I dont know.
I would just like someone familiar with my backstory who I could talk to about my recent difficult pain, who I could trust not to blow up or become aggressive with me.
Right this moment, its about 3pm where I am, and I dont feel too bad , but I feel like this is a wave type thing, or perhaps an earthquake is a better analogy-and Im scared of the aftershocks, particularly when the ngiht comes again. I find nights are harder times for me to deal with these emotions-I feel isolated more at those times.
Message from my scheming conniving sibling claiming she's basically seen the light and realises I've been right all along. Heard similar stuff so many times, which is then followed by her usual selfishness, etc. Yet of course part of me is thinking to get in touch, hoping that 'this time' she will have changed or realised.
Another part of me is considering using this to finally tell her what I think where I've been afraid to all these years. I dont know.
Im concerned about the 'lockdown end' thing in Britain, obviously because I know it will lead to countless people getting hurt and also because I persoanlly think its crazy to do, and do not feel comfortable risking this myself-but I am also fed up and tired of feeling isolated, and concerned that the support groups I have found online will now go back to physical meetings only. I really hope that isnt the case.
It was a message either from a month ago or from last year. Dont know why my phone did that and gave the wrong impression, but its left me feeling p****d off fed up and let down.
If was from last year, shows it was all lies since she then did her usual nasty stuff soon after anyway.
Hang on in there, i am trying to make sense of this life, maybe there is a hope for better future, more coherent one, where there will be no lies
i dont know what i am talking about, i havent made sense of life yet
@AntonioCroatia Im having a rough day. Even your simple post means something to me right now.
I feel so bad today. One of the few support groups I could acess basically didnt happen today as it was supposed to. Added to that it looks like it wont be going ahead in future. I also saw a news article about how some of my favourite bands that meant a lot to me were actually vile people, abusive, selfish, using, etc.
I tried my best to take carre of my self yesterday and had an early night, rare for me. I slept ten hours. But it was full of painful dreams and I woke physically exhausted. I dont get it. I had a rare good day yesterday. Then I tried to take care of myself today and do the right things, and now I feel worse than I have for a long long time. Really, really, really low.
With the lockdown changes here it also seems like everyone is acting like things are 'back to normal' yet I feel still the same and therefore stuck by comparison.
Also had an important piece of equipment break today too. It feels like every single day of my life is 'one of those days'. I feel so down I just dont have the words.
