Overwhelmed is an understatement

*trigger warning cause my thoughts arent super nice*

I'm so tired of everything. I'm in constant pain and i don't know where it comes from. I went to multiple doctors about it once and "nothing was wrong with me". Since then, it has become more constant and wide spread. Idk its terrible for me to say but i hope that its a terrible disease like cancer that will *redacted* me or something. Im sorry for being insensitive like that. Everyday is a constant struggle. Ive always got something to complain about and sometimes i just cant stop myself from doing so. I know it annoys everyone around me. I dont want to bother people. I want to d!sappear but I can't do that so im stuck in this little hell for another 50+ years if im unlucky. I dont want to be in pain. I want to get out of my head. I want to enjoy the little things without feeling guilt and regret for whatever syupid reason it is that day. I wish i could ignore the news. I dont want to hear about all the death and hate but i also want to be aware and be part of the change for the better. But also i dont care. But i do? Im tired. How do you find a neutral position in life the way it is? im getting whiplash from jumping from one extreme to the other. Im losing my patience with others, with myself, with inanimate objects. I want to scream and break things and lash out and tell people what i really think. I dont want to do any of that. I want to be at peace.