imagine watching everyone getting better and you’re still all the way back here 

I’m gonna go sleep to subliminals (I’ve been listening to subliminals :0 to fix myself :> cause I need fixing. idk if I believe in them ofc but you know mindset and awnsjmanw)

goodnight <3 

a few seconds ago - love you

_{oh my god. oh my god-}

_{oh my god I’m actually such a *** human-}

_{a day after my birthday I started writing this thing in the private section of my profile thing} 

_{a- life story?? idk what to call it}

_{i got up to when I was 6 years old}

_{idk if I’ll ever post it} 

_{but when I was writing it I obviously didn’t imagine me ever posting it cause I got into a lot of -details, and it’s not post appropriate because with everything I’ve written in there like I might as well just leak my full name}

_{6th week of school starts tomorrow. so we’re still..a month and a week in.} 

_{until we’re 5 months in it’s still a new year to me} 

_{or at least until january} 

_{this weekend was long but I think it’s because I didn’t go to school the last 3 days of- last week- so I basically got a longer weekend} 

_{I’m never absent- in primary I went 4 years without being absent a single day (I used to be sick all the time I just always showed up) and then I didn’t come to school for 2 and a half weeks cause well it’s long but obviously it was really serious and only when I physically couldn’t come to school no matter how hard I tried that’s when I didnt come}

_{and after that I continued coming every day until quarantine and then I left the school}

_{and year 7 I remember really well that I was only absent 2 days out of the entire year because me and one of my classmates used to always try to compete (in things like who came to class earlier or we’d raise our hand for a question and beating the other would be getting picked etc) and they were absent 3 days by the end of the year so that’s how I remember :p}

_{and year 8 I remember being absent for a week out of the entire year and it was like- a full school week like the same 5 days because I was really sick} 

_{im not really excited about showing up this year. this year in assembly they talked about from now on by the end of the year if your attendance is below (something percentage I forgot I think it was 91 but I’m not sure) then you won’t be enrolled in- the next school year-(I forgot how to talk mb-)}

can I randomly switch topics. I showered today.- wait no- yesterday? I’ve been showering and washing my hair every week for like 3 weeks now :D I want to start exercising cause 

……….

_{i mean. it’s not horrible. it’s not bad it’s just it could be better} 

_{50% would be perfect and healthy but I’m sort of still on the heavier side-..and something like 40% healthy would still be healthy. or 30% or 20% 20% would be good.} 

_{I mean. I’m not overweight. I’m just. on the heavier side- I’m not at risk of being overweight.}  

_{bmi calculators aren’t always really accurate but thing is I don’t have any- muscle mass and idk what body composition is or bone density so basically it’s more accurate than not}

_{i want to build muscles :’)  I want to try the le sserafim thing cause I saw some people do it} 

I want to try doing 1000 jumping jacks for a week cause I saw someone else do it and they said don’t try it cause it takes all day it left them in a lot of pain and results were temporary but- 

I saw someone else do 1000 sit-ups a day but I can’t do a single sit-up 

oh yeah. we had pe like last week and I genuinely didn’t realize how weak I was and it genuinely made me really sad :’) 

why am I yapping so much. to avoid thinking about school :> *nod*^👍 

I got a heat protectant :> from my aunt. I was talking to someone and brought up something about how I’m gonna ask my aunt (I really don’t remember what it was about) and they went why is your aunt always the one buying you stuff and everything and (I didn’t realize it was that obvious-) I went. oh. no it’s just. my dads barely in my life and. my moms probably like dead. 

and they burst out laughing so hard- and then they started going I’m so sorry I’m so sorry it’s just the way you said it I’m sorry

i mean I know she’s not dead now but it’s still easier to say fsr :’) also I’ve known the person for a while now and I didn’t care about talking about it

but yeah. I straightened my hair. with the heat protectant. but then I realized I didn’t like how the heat protectant felt on my hair so I’m just gonna continue frying my hair off 

I woke up at 4am to straighten my hair. it’s so peaceful in the mornings. I slept at around 7 smiling 

tomorrows (…-) day at school. the day is something only specific schools have so I can’t really talk about it but we go home early :>

oh yeah! I’ve been taking brain activity tablets supplements thing!! I just found them. they’re chocolate flavored and unexpired they’re supposed to improve cognitive function and memory and neurological idk I don’t remember but idk if they do anything I just take 2 a day cause I’m insanely sleep deprived and my brain cells don’t like collaborating 

I’m so tired :’) if I went to sleep now I’d get 4 hours of sleep. but I’m scared to sleep because what if I don’t wake up I can set an alarm but I need to charge my device and the charger isn’t that close to my bed and I can sleep through anything 

I’ll figure it out :) okay byee<3

well um im obviously still here 

today I think morning (or maybe after noon- but definitely today) I got notified to a forum and I don’t remember the name of it but it was a forum to tag and check in on someone  

and I was like aww and I had two cups tabs open and I kept that there in one cups tab so I could go back to it and reply since I didn’t have the notification anymore 

and I forgot about it and at some point I was going to do something else and I don’t normally but I decided to close all my cups tabs so I don’t get distracted and now I can’t find the forum :’)

all I remember was that it had a photo at the end and it said something like 

"

are you okay?

ofcourse.

are you lying?

ofcourse.

"

and that the forum had 2 pages 

and……..that it was today. :’) I tried looking for it like I scrolled a lot through all the forum category things and recents I scrolled all the way till like 2 days ago and up and I can’t find it does anyone know what I could be talking about😭thankyou🩷

_{okay now I’ll go :3 byebye<3} 

_{so a lot has been happening but I can’t really apologize for not being here because I made sure I sent something to enough people before I was gone and like} 

I mean it’s fine I don’t really care about cups as much as I used to but kind of in a good way because I can’t explain how addicted I was like I didn’t sleep for days I was always on here and if there’s no one to talk to or no notifications I’d still just be refreshing the page over and over and over again until something happened and I remember one time when all the devices were taken and I wasn’t sleeping again I started panicking and looking around and I got out a really really old phone and it barely worked but I managed to login to my account and just being on there helped and I remember when the teacher would be right behind me or something but even at school I was always on cups like every chance I got even in tests if anyone remembers that or even when people could see my screen or even in breaks when I was late to a class but I was on cups I’d be late because I was talking to someone or idk and another time it was a weekend and my dad really did take all the devices and. you’d think someone just died

im gonna stop yapping but I wasn’t being dramatic tho I was just not in a great state of mind :’)? cups sort of does more harm than good to me tho and not being on here is kind of easier now because it doesn’t really feel like there’s too much making it worth it or much to expect and my irl is kind of a mess and I don’t have the time anymore..

idk. saying that makes me kind of sad because I really don’t have the time for anything anymore I’m trying to get time to sleep and I can’t I can’t go on walks or exercise or sleep or do anything I want to do and my brains always active and tired I’m just so drained 

mkay so i’d say like 2/3 days ago I went in the queue again not expecting anything but the listener was really nice and such a vibe and I know it was only 2/3 days but we kinda got close at least to me maybe just cause I’m friend deprived but yeah they felt like a friend to me so today morning I pmd them before going to school and I got back a while ago but I just logged in now because I wanted to pm them again and I logged in for no other reason and 

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why’re they censoring more stuff people come on here to get help or help others ofcourse negative things are gonna be said but getting censored or whatever this is just weird imagine typing up a long post wanting to get help and getting censored if I wasn’t on here for so long i’d delete my account and leave like oh *** it’s not all sunshine and rainbows first it was more serious topics or words that would trigger the censors or the minimizing but I don’t really know what’s happening it’s just annoying and dismissive why does it feel like you could always say the wrong thing now why does it feel like some people are being silenced it’s not that big of a deal there’s no way anyone can tell me what I’m going through is valid after this because if how you’re feeling is valid why are certain issues opinions and experiences so often downplayed and overlooked and now random words are getting censored and I always noticed how when one person on cups is more..cups popular or has been on here for a while at least and they talk about what they’re going through everyone is there especially if they relate not everyone but I’ve just noticed and also when I open up about a lot and then something someone might relate to they show up after like two months but yk and not always but even if a lot of people see a post about someone talking about what they’re going through some things could lead them to just ignoring it like I won’t mention them tho 

oh okay so I refreshed my cups page on another tab and they’re working on it😅nvm then :> I’m fine. I’m not mad I’m just like- idk.