Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
Hey there. okay so I continued reading...and I eventually stopped because I'm on a schedule and realized Im not gonna be able to fit all that in. but I do have a lot to tell you. first of all as I'm sure you know, your not alone when feeling like this. but after "getting to know you" through this, I also realize that even though your not alone...you feel more alone, more unseen, more invisible than anyone in the world. every day seems to be the same. you wake up. tell yourself your going to motivate yourself, then when it comes time to put it into action during school (for me especially after school) you just....CANT DO IT. your mind is all over the place. and even though yk that you probably should take care of your responsibilities, but no matter how much yk you need to do it. no matter how much you try to convince yourself. . . you just cant bring yourself to do it. I really understand.
you seem to be trapped inside your own mind. not gonna lie, that's not your fault. youve been left alone, abandoned and everything along those lines time, and time again. anyone who's had this happen...its kind of expected to be trapped in your own mind. you seem to be beyond depressed right now. it seems like just waking up and making it through the day is the best you can do. I want you to know that this is okay. its okay to not be okay. I want you to know that your not ever really alone. this is a trial that is really hard for you. it would be hard for anyone. you are very strong. you've come this far. why not keep going? I would love to be your friend. and I mean more than commenting once on a post and calling it a day. I mean keep in touch. get to know you. there's a lot to help you with and I would love to be the one to help you. remember, you are loved despite how much you tell yourself that your not. your not alone despite how alone you really feel. and whatever it is....not all of it is your fault. no matter how much you like to blame yourself. your a guilt ridden person. that's what I think is the number one reason why you could care less about yourself. I want you to know its okay to love yourself. once you begin to love yourself (easier said than done) I promise your world will open up in ways you could never have seen from a mile away. I get that people leaving you really does not help your self loathing habit. but I promise right now. you can hold me to it as well. I ain't going nowhere till our tell me to go. :) I'm here for you girlie. I see you. your not as invisible as you think.
@EmmyMarie06
wow.. first of all, thank you. i’m surprised and impressed by how you decided to take the time and read the things i’ve written. it’s not a very bright place, is it? i’m sorry about that. you seem like an amazing person, sure i’d like to get to know you too. though i must warn you - i’m a very complicated and confusing person. even i don’t really understand myself sometimes. and i haven’t been that great lately.. i feel like i would start to burden you with all this negativity and darkness i seem to have in me. that’s the only reason i have second thoughts about it all. which doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be worth a try, i guess..?
@justmeeva I would love to try. I want you to know that you would not be burdening me at all. I already considered this but I really don't think so. I love to hear about other peoples life issues, and I love to give advice on how to help them. I want to help! I want you to have a friend. :)
ok I have some questions though
first I wanna get to know you!! tell me about yourself!!
second. what Bugs you the most in your life.
@EmmyMarie06
hmm that question is way more difficult than it should be hehe. my name’s eva, i’m 14,.. *has to think 15 minutes to come up with anything else* *searches google for guiding questions* *answers “idk” to every one of them* yeah i think ‘a 14 year old eva’ is all i am as it turns out.
what bugs me the most? ~me, myself and i~. my self-esteem isn’t very high…. at all. :D
@justmeeva
there's gotta be more to you than that. interests? what kind of movies to you like. do you like anime? (I do hehe) idk. do you draw? read? idk just tell me things you like! and I'm 17 btw lol.
also makes sense. what don't you like about yourself?
@EmmyMarie06
honestly, i don’t think there’s much i’m interested in at all right now. sure, i like music, but who doesn’t? i don’t watch movies that much (don’t really have the time), not that into anime, can’t draw, reading - only if it’s a very good book that fits(?) me which has happened.. about once in my life. i used to crochet but i lost interest in it after a while. i used to like arts and crafts of all sort, and i guess i still kinda do, but i don’t have the time or motivation or “crave” to do that anymore. hehe
what don’t i like about myself? well~ anything, really. i can’t think of a single thing i like about myself. i actually tried once, not even kidding, i spent actual 30 minutes trying to find anything i like about myself but *nothing*. 😬
i’m numb and lost touch with reality again. again.
that means all my words are meaningless. whatever i say, it’s not coming from the heart. it doesn’t have any emotion behind it. which doesn’t mean i don’t mean it, just- idk.
well girlie. we are gonna have to find things you like about yourself. honestly I think the way to begin is pick up a new hobby of some kind. I'm not telling you that you need to, but getting involved is a great way not only to build self esteem and confidence but it will also become something you like about yourself!
your a really kind person. you can hand that to yourself at least.
@EmmyMarie06
maybe you’re right. i just don’t seem to have the time, or energy (?) right now, as i’m busy with school a lot, most of my time, and when i get the chance - i tend to just rest. relax. forget the stress. hehe~
@justmeeva oh yea I totally get it. I REALLY do. only reason why I'm not "involved" is cause my fam is always broke, and I don't talk to my dad, and he would make the final decision as for yes or no. most likely no though
but hey. It could be as simple as a club.
@EmmyMarie06
oh i don’t really do people either right now. not in real life. not yet.
also, it’s nighttime for me now which means that my responses might be shorter and/or seem colder, if that happens, i’m sorry. my mind’s just kind of negative, hopeless and impossible at nights. i’ll just post some ~thoughts~ that don’t need responses, just to get them out of my head. just so you know <3
@justmeeva okay sounds good. where you from then? I'm from America.
@EmmyMarie06
from a small unknown european country called estonia. (:
@EmmyMarie06
i have to go, i’m very sorry. take care, and thank you 🩷
““we better really enjoy this summer then” that one boy in our class said. those words still haunt me. won’t let me forget them.”
@justmeeva @iloveyouxx *gives another hug before going to study*
*hugs for flowers if online/seeing this*
*tc <3*
@unassumingEyes
tag got nommed :0 *gives late tight hugs back* <33
you can have a different life. all you need is a book.
i was just gonna come here to post about this weird feeling of hope that randomly struck me..
and on my way to this forum, i saw something again
so nvm (:
@justmeeva
awwe nu :')🩷 im sorry frend.. >: wanna talk about what yous saw ? :c /nft at all tho.💜
also do you mind me replying ? :0 it’s just that now that I’ve talked here i get notifications from this forum :o but if you’d prefer it if I deleted them and kept this as your space that’s okie.💞
@iloveyouxx
no, it’s fine. i’m not even sure if i can talk about it.. at all, so it’s fine.
tbh, idek. now i want to make this clear - it is absolutely nothing personal or anything. i appreciate you so much, i really really do. lol i wrote stuff over and over again for like 10 minutes, everything i write just sounds personal or wrong or offensive. i don’t mind you responding, but i won’t expect you to run to me every time i say something. you’re free to read and respond, but don’t make it your duty. you can try removing the tick from “subscribe to this thread”, maybe that’ll help removing the notifications? you can try it if the notifications start annoying you too much. not saying you have to do that, but you can.
yeah even this which i managed to put together sounds so wrong and bad. i’m really sorry about that. i don’t know what to say, or how to say it. i’ll just shut up.
i love you 🩷
@justmeeva that happens alot 😔 hope and then smth happens 😔 we’re here if u wanna talk bout it <3
is it normal that i can feel my heart breaking..? like actually, literally, physically feel it breaking..?
…
i’ll just.. i’ll bbl.
@justmeeva
*sits with evabuddybeanie if okay* 🥺