Space for Space?

Why is everything so hard. I feel like I'm broken. idk how I'm supposed to get over a months worth of schoolwork done in less than 2 weeks. I try so hard everyday, its never enough. I'm not enough. no one sees the work i put into things. No one sees how much I care about things. I don't show it (or say it) but I care so much. Im not good at expressing myself or my feelings and idk why people cant accept that. Everyone thinks that I'm just lazy and don't care about anything. They may not say it but they don't have to. I can see it in their eyes... the way they talk to me. I've had to shrink myself into someone I don't even recognize anymore. I've lost myself. 

I feel so dissociated every single day. I cant remember things. I cant remember what happened yesterday or the day before... or last week. I can only remember bits and pieces, and even that's foggy. I do things and immediately forget what I did or it feels foggy like it happened but I didn't do it or that it happened a long time ago. I don't understand why... its scary. I can barely remember things from when I was little even the happiest memories I have feel foggy. I haven't felt like myself in forever. Life doesn't feel real. nothing around me does. people, places, names, faces, events, it all feels so far away. like I'm watching life happen on a screen trying to run towards it but never getting there. 

idk what's wrong with me. Im scared. I'm so scared. I tell myself that its fine.. that this is fine. but I cant keep lying to myself. I know its not okay. I think a part of me knows this isn't normal... but I'm terrified to ask for help or to admit to others that I'm hurting. I try to keep a smile on my face and act normal but I cant keep up the act anymore. Its exhausting. I'm so tired. so so tired. I just wish I had someone who actually cared. maybe it would make things easier if I knew I had someone with me. But I know that either way I'll still feel like a burden. I always feel like a burden. That I'm not worth it. that everyone would much rather be somewhere else and doing other things rather than to talk with me. And I guess I understand it, most people just hate me anyways. No one really wants me around. 

Love you <3

Im so tired of having to deal with family already. I cant do it anymore, its exhausting having to put up with them every single day. my mom snaps as me over nothing. And look I get it I know things probably aren't easy for her, but she says she'll change and that she'll try to do better but it never happens. She says sorry then just moves on and doesn't try to change things or make things better. And I forgive her for yelling every single time. I'm just done though. I've tried seeing their side, tried to understand why they do the things they do. But no matter how hard I try I still don't understand why they treat me like this. Why they make me feel small, why they make me feel like I don't matter, why they guilt trip me. I don't forgive them for they've done, and I don't trust them anymore. They've broken my trust so many times. I'm just done. both my mom and my dad have said things to me that really hurt. and that plays on repeat in the back of my mind constantly. They've even flat out said that they don't trust me. And tbh I get it, I wouldn't trust me either. Im nothing but a screw up. I cant ever just do something right for once. I just don't understand how they expect me to trust them when they don't even trust me. It just doesn't work that way. I don't feel like a person when I'm around them, I feel like I'm always being controlled by them. I have no privacy. When they read my journal that was the breaking point. I've spent the past year hiding how I feel from them because they used how I felt against me. They always have. They've always expecting me to talk to them about how I feel but how can I when they've always just used it against me. They don't accept me as a person. they never have. Im so shy and introverted and they get mad at me for that. They get mad at me because I have trouble talking to people, they get mad at me because I cant just walk up to someone and start a conversation. They think I'm like them and that its easy for me but its not. It never has been, and I don't understand how they don't see that. I prefer to just stay to myself and be alone. but they take that as a sign that something wrong with me. I'm the type of person that you would never give a second glance to if you passed by me on the street. I just feel so trapped in this place. 

and don't get me wrong my parents overall are great people. That's why I'm so confused, that why I feel like I'm just overreacting. That I'm making a big deal out of nothing. That compared to everyone else this is nothing. I feel like this isn't a valid reason to be upset about. its pathetic really. I just feel so alone. :/ 

Today has been better... But I still feel like I'm falling apart. Even on my "good" days I still feel this pain. I still feel this ache in my chest. It doesn't go away. It just stays and lingers. I still feel dissociated. Nothing around me ever feels real. It's like it's all just a simulation. No one real, I'm not real, nothing real. Life feels like a dream. Idk why but I've felt like this ever since I was young. I cant explain the feeling but I know what it feels like. It wasn't as bad and didn't happen very often but I still felt it. Now it's so much worse. This may sounds stupid but I've always wondered what would happen to me if I was never born. Like I know I wouldn't exist, but how would that work. What would be of me if I was never born. Idek how to explain it but I know what I feel. 

I wasn't supposed to make it this far, I didn't think I would. I didn't think I would make it to see my 16th birthday yet here I am 4 months later still barely alive. Still holding on to the false hope that things will get better. I honestly stopped believing that things would get better a long time ago. Don't really know why I'm still here tbh. Nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me want to be here. It all just feels so pointless. But I'm not in as dark of a place as I was in 6 months ago. I don't believe things got better because I still feel the same way about things. But maybe I just don't feel it as intensely. Idk it doesn't make sense to me. I guess just add that to my list of things that doesn't make sense. 

I feel like I go through these weird phases. Like I go through these really bad patches and then things start to feel better then it gets really bad again, and then repeats. Like rn I'm in the phase where things feel better than usual. I guess a good thing is is that I don't feel as dissociated, so that's good I guess idk. Maybe I've just had a lot of things to distract me today. But tbh I've just stopped letting myself believe that this continue. Bc it always gets bad again at some point. It lasts maybe a week then gets bad again. I wish my life would make sense. But tbh when I start feeling "better" It makes me feel empty. Not like emotionally numb bc I can still feel things but I feel numb is relation to the fact that I don't feel the usual pain I always feel. Idk if that makes any sense at all tbh. It scares me in a way, bc I'm so used to feeling pain and hurt all the time it doesn't feel right for me not to feel it. I've forgotten what it feels like to just feel happy and to feel like okay. That's a reason why I don't know if I want to heal from things bc it scares me know what it feels like to constantly feel pain. Ik that probably sounds selfish of me but it's true. 

I've always felt like I'm an attention seeker tbh. Like when I talk about how I feel I feel like I'm always looking for attention or for someone to just care for once or that I'm looking for pity. And maybe that's true. But there's a part of me that believes that I'm not an attention seeker bc I hide how I feel. I bury it and push it away. And when I do share how I feel that's bc I feel like I'm at my breaking point... That all I want is just someone to talk to. And for someone to listen without judging me or dismissing me or trying to solve all my problems for me. Idk. Idk idk idk. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I'm always questioning something about myself. Idk who I am anymore.