Space for Space?

///Trigger warning///

I know I shouldn't really be talking about this here but I have no where else. so if this post gets taken down I guess its fine. This isn't something I necessarily talk about a lot, nor do I like talking about it but I guess I just needed to ramble about this somewhere. I've been thinking a lot about this... A few months ago I almost commit. I wanted to, I had a plan and had a general date of when I would. Things were really bad, like really really bad. I just wasn't doing good at all. Its scary think now that I almost did, there were some days when I got dangerously close. idk why I didn't do it, maybe I was just too much of a coward to actually do it. All I wanted was a relief from the pain, I just wanted it to stop, I wanted it all to go away. And I know that suicide is never an answer, I hear that way too much, but when your in the thick of it you cant see that, you cant think clearly, you just want a way for it all to stop. Idk how I got to that point tbh, things rn feel so much worse than it did then and I'm not as suicidal anymore. I just wanted to feel so much pain and hurt and anger anymore. there wasn't anything that made me happy, nothing that made me want to be here. And tbh there still isn't anything that makes me happy or makes me want to be here. But I cant explain why I'm not as suicidal anymore. Maybe rambling in this forum everyday has helped. Actually I know it has helped. When I used to journal I loved doing it, but when my parents found it I just stopped writing all together. Im still paranoid about writing in this forum, I'm worried of my parents finding it here. but I think that if its at least somewhat helping me than I guess it's worth it. 

I feel like disappearing for a while... Idk how safe I feel being here rn. I'm scared of him finding me. What if he sees this. what if he knows its me. The girl from 5 years ago, the girl he almost got his hands on. Ik I am safe here, but there's always a part of me that's constantly on alert. every single day for the past 5 years I've had to protect myself. I was so so stupid to tell him a general location of where I lived. So freaking stupid, what was I actually thinking. Ever since I joined 7cups I've always been paranoid of him figuring out who I am. What if he has an account here, What if he knows who I am. What if, what If, what if. Even the friends I have here I don't fully trust, and I hate myself for that. I want to be able to trust ppl without the constant worry. I keep people at arms length becuase I'm scared. so so so scared. No one would believe me if I told them, I have no proof, no evidence. All I have is a name that I don't know if its real. My parents didn't take it seriouly when they found out, kinda just dismissed me and moved on. Which is whatever, I didn't want them to find out anyways. They're the ones who went through my things and forced their way into my life. Why did it have to be me, why. why, why, why. What did I ever do to deserve this. Why cant I just be normal. 

Maybe I'll just disappear for a while... 

///trigger warning///

Things are getting bad again... I would rather go back to feeling numb than feeling everything. It's too much. It seems easier to feel nothing rather than feeling everything. I feel so alone. I try doing things to distract myself and it helps in the moment but it seems to make everything come back worse. Im not good at coping either. I try doing things I enjoy, but nothing really makes me happy anymore. I only have unhealthy coping mechanisms, funny how that is the only things that ever seems to help. 

Last night I had bad sh urges. Somehow managed to not do it though.i know it's only a matter of time before I do it again tho. Having bad urges already today so probably not going to last through the day. I think I'm like 2 weeks clean idk I lost count, but I can't ever make it past 2 weeks before urges hit me again and I relapse. Idk why I keep track tho tbh. Idk if I really want to quit sh. Ik it's bad, ik it's not good, but it's the only thing that helps. I just hate looking at the scars on my wrist and leg. I hate seeing them, it makes me sick. It's hard to hide them. I guess that's kinda why Im trying not to sh for the time being. It's so much harder to hide it during the summer. And this is what I was scared of too when summer started. I knew I wasn't going to be able to hide it. I cant get caught with this, I can't let my parents find out. They almost found out once I'm not letting that happen again. 

It's just hard I guess bc I have no one to talk to about this stuff. Idk if I really want to bc it's so hard to talk about sometimes. But it would still be nice if I maybe just had someone who understand would listen without judging or dismissing me like everyone else does. I hate talking with crisis lines, it just seems so like automated sometimes. And I feel like it's mostly for people who are in need immediate help or who are actually in danger. People say you can talk with them even if you aren't actually in danger but it doesn't feel that way. And it's not like I have anyone irl who I can't talk to so it doesn't matter anyways. I'm just alone. 

Ughhh I'm so conflicted. How am I supposed to choose. Choose between the two things I love. I want to go visit family, I really do. I need to get away from this house for a few days. Even if it's not much better there it's at least better than anything. At least my mom will treat me better when she's around her family. My aunts uncles, cousins, Grandma, at least they treat me with respect. But I also have obligations with soccer and school. My dad wants me to stay here and focus on finishing my school. And ik I need to. It's my fault I'm in this mess and I need to fix it. But my dad said that if I miss soccer tmmr and Thursday then I can go to visit family. I'm considering doing that. But I'm also a little scared about how my coach might react when I tell her imma be missing two days of practice... If I do this then I need an excuse for missing tmmr. What am I supposed to tell her. That I'll be missing tmmr bc of school? That I'm missing bc I got myself so behind that I haven't even finished my 10th grade of school? Im telling myself that this is fine, that if I miss two days I'll be there all of next week and I get to see family. I'm seriously considering missing practice and going to see family. Ik I have obligations but I have obligations that are telling me that I need to stay and focus on school and soccer. But I also really need to get away from this house. I want to get away. Ik I'll still be going with my mom if I do decide to go but at least she won't treat me like crap in front of her family. And I also want to see family again before soccer gets really busy. If I don't go now I won't see them for another six months or more bc I'll be so busy with soccer. *Sigh* I think I'll probably make the decision to skip practice and go see family for a few days. At least I'll have a bit of a break from it all. So I have like 2.5 days to lock in and get most of my school done. If I can do that then it will all be worth it. I have to try. I need to. I think I'm gonna go see family and skip practice for like two days. 

Well... Today's been better. A lot better actually. Ik it won't last. Slowly getting through school. I finally let my parents help me with it. Bc I'm way to stubborn and think I can do it myself i had to kinda force myself into admitting that I needed help with it. And it's been going good. Hopefully I'll be done by next week. Hopefully. I've just been so tired today. Woke up at 6:30 to do school and I'm not used to it so just been so tired. But I did also keep waking up so idk.  But then again my sleep schedule is also completely wrecked. I used to stay up evernight till around 12 to 1am and get only 6 or 7ish hours of sleep. Now that I can't stay up that late anymore I'm getting like 10 hours of sleep give or take and I'm just not used to it at all. I also decided to skip practice this week for soccer to focus on school. My coach didn't seem to be mad about it so I guess that's good. Next week is "tryouts" week so it's kinda mandatory to be there. Which is fine I'll b back from visiting family by then anyways. It's not really a tryout tho bc no one gets cut bc we literally have like 9 ppl total on our team so far. Everyone kinda has to make it or we don't have a team. Well tbh we don't really have a team anyway. 9 ppl is reallyyy not enough since we need 11 for a team plus a couple of subs would be nice. But also last year we had our first game with only 9 ppl starting so... Anyways I'm happy today has been a bit of a better day. Tbh probably one of the best days I've had in a while. So I guess that's good. 🙃

Why am I scared? I shouldn't be scared... I have nothing to be scared of. Yet there's this fear just sitting in my chest. Today has been an okayish day as well. I think that's the problem... I think what I'm scared of is not feeling the pain I feel on a daily basis. It doesn't feel right. I guess after feeling so much pain for two years you kinda just forget what it feels like to be genuinely okay. You forget what it feels like to not have your chest feel heavy all the time. You forget what it feels like to not feel hurt. And I have forgotten what it feels like to feel happy. I cant remember the last time I smiled or laughed and genuinely meant it. Even I can tell that my smile doesn't reach my eyes half the time. 

Another conclusion I've come to is that I don't think my dad is the villain as much as I thought... Yes he has treated me in not so good ways and has said some really really hurtful things to me. But he isn't as bad as my mom. My dad is so much more patient and just more calm when it comes to things like my school and soccer and other things. I have learned to absolutely hate reviewing my school stuff and going through grades with my mom bc she gets so stressed and overwhelmed when she sees how far behind I am. And she stresses over how I'm going to get things done. She yells at me and just makes me feel so bad about it. And Ik she lashes out bc of her stress and I just so happen to be the one who she takes that out on. Ive had to postpone going through my work  and make excuses bc of how much I dread doing it with her. And tbh when she said she was going to bring my dad Into it I was so worried he would react in the same way and be mad and upset... But he wasn't. He was so much more calm. And he somewhat believes that I can get it all done. My dad takes it a lot better which i think helps. I still don't trust my dad tho. And I doubt I ever will. But if I had to choose between talking with my mom or dad about things I would choose my dad every time. 

I hate being sick, I hate it. I'm feeling a lot better today but I still feel like tired and just run down. It's not even that bad it's just a scratchy throat and my nose is really stuffy. I just still hate being sick. I was just sick like last week and now I'm sick again. 

I've loved being able to visit family though even tho I'm still kinda sick. Buttt I think I'm ready to go home now. It gets a little overwhelming dealing with everyone after a few days. I just want to go home and just hide in my room for a while. Hopefully I'll feel better tmr for soccer. Well actually it doesn't really matter I don't have a choice either way. All next week practice is mandatory. So that's fun. 

I've been able to keep myself distracted a bit this weekend. But I've had to much time to think today. I just feel like a waste of space. I feel like such a burden to everyone. I just hate everything. I hate myself so much. So so much. I haven't been feeling as dissociated except for maybe a few times. But even when I'm dissociated I still can't remember things. It's not as bad as when I am dissociated but I still can't remember things as well. I remember what happened yesterday... Sort of. It's already kind of fuzzy but I can still remember. I cant remember what happened the day before tho. I know we were traveling and on the road but I can't remember anything that happened. Idk why. Why can't I just be normal. Why why why.  I'm just so tired. So tired of everything. I probably sound like a broken record at this point but it's not like anything ever changes. So it's just that same stupid problems I'm always dealing with. It's fine, I'm fine. It doesn't really matter anyways. 

im kinda freaking out a bit rn. I think I probably triggered myself... so that's great. I cant think, I only see the images he showed me. It wont go away. I need it to stop. why is this bothering me. it shouldn't be. its not even that bad compared to everyone else. I need to stop comparing myself to others. ik I need to, but its so hard to do that when no one ever took this seriously. Maybe if people didnt just brush me off all the time it would make it easier for me to stop comparing myself to everyone. I shouldn't be here, it wont go away. the images. it hurts too much. I cant do this rn.